my bf (M22) and I (F20) started dating 4 months ago and we are long distance. Right now I’m visiting him. This is his first real relationship and this would be my 5th. He is from Iran and I am American. We agreed to be abstinent.
we have a pretty healthy relationship, the most healthy I’ve been in (history of abuse from exes). We love each other and talk almost everyday. We go on dates often and we give each other gifts. I feel excited to see him.
he does not like it when I wear revealing clothing and go to raves. I stopped doing both. This is something I can do for him since we have a bit different cultures.
He told me recently that he doesn’t see us long term. It broke me. Since it’s been going so well, I really thought I could dream a little. Now I’m worried when it will all end? We are so young tho, so I feel a bit foolish. He explained that he wants to grow together and learn. Someday I want to be married, not this young but for some reason I’m drawn to wanting to connect deeply in that way. What do I do?
TL;DR: my bf (M22) and I (F20) started dating 4 months ago and we are long distance. This is his first relationship. He does not see a future with me. Is it wrong for me to hope for a future with him? Why am I so heartbroken even tho we didn’t break up?
12 comments
You decide what, if anything, you want with him given that it sounds like it’s going to be a pretty casual relationship. But short-term relationships that aren’t that close can still be beneficial – if it is right for both people. Is that what you want? Is it something you think would be good for you? Personally, I haven’t had an interest in that, so I have never stayed in a relationship when I felt the long-term potential wasn’t there. But that’s me. I know other people who have quite enjoyed short-term relationships that were never meant to be anything more. What works for you? Because only you can answer that question.
The most healthy relationship….
He doesn’t like when I do X and Y so I stopped doing both.
Pick one, my girl… It can’t be both
Run run run… He’s not even seeing a future with you? But already controlling how you live your life?
Stop being naive.
The only way you’ll ever have a future with this man is if you convert to Islam and let him be in control of your whole life.
So because you’ve only dated scumbags before and this guy seems less of a scumbag then the others??!!
You are very young. Please move on from this man.
It’s interesting, My ex and I got back together in June of 2022 and in July I received a text from a mutual friends saying she was hanging out with a guy that had caused some major conflicts between us in the past.
Rather than addressing it she refused to work through the conflict and let me make my own conclusions based on the information I was receiving.
After which she came to the conclusion that “her and I are not meant for each other.”
So I understand exactly what you are saying when you say you’re heartbroken. All the optimism that you had poof is gone.
I would strongly suggest asking if he doesn’t see a future with you why are you still exclusively dating?
A person that has negative confirmation bias will make sure that their bias and unfortunately it’s negative in this case is proven correct. They will act in ways that actively prove their negative bias was valid. That’s a lose lose.
You both seem to enjoy different things true you change yourself for him but in the long run this might cause a lot of resentment to build up and lead to many problems. You should think about this and if you feel that you don’t want to go through that then leave him.
He’s geographically unavailable. This isn’t his first real relationship, it is an online fantasy. Neither of you knows each other and you can’t until you date in real life. You have to actually live in the same area and see each other very regularly for many many months before you have any idea who the other person is and whether you’re compatible. Vacation romances are too quick and occur outside of the routines and pressures of daily life and digital based dalliances are so unbelievably limited that much of what you think you know and have is coming from your own imagination.
Don’t sacrifice a real world social life and the experiences that come with it for daily text messages and a few long weekends a year.
Four months of text messages, some video chats, and a social media relationship status update isn’t enough of a basis to form a relationship and it certainly isn’t enough to plan a future. Don’t stop going to raves, become celibate, or retreat into the virtual world based on the intercountry sweet nothings a boy thumbs into his cellphone.
Get away from him… u r setting yourself up for a failure that he’s already admitted will happen. That’s why he doesn’t see a future w u….
Run run run
It’s been four months. End it now.
You may enjoy the LDR and have good communication, but he’s plainly told you that you are not the person he sees building something with long-term. The four to six months window should be about the time to ask these questions, and the answers should be one that is compatible with your own feelings and goals:”Yes! I’m hopeful and excited to keep growing in the direction with you, towards marriage and a life-long commitment.”
That is not where he is at. Not how he feels or what he’s choosing with you.
It’s not wrong or evil to hope that might change, but it’s foolish and it is unlikely.
You’ve stopped doing something you like (going to raves) because he doesn’t like it. You’ve changed how you dress because he doesn’t approve. I mean, these behaviours would be gross in a any length relationship, but I’m confused why you’re throwing your own preferences out the window for a guy… let alone a guy who doesn’t see a future with you…?
You’re 20. You’ve barely begun your adult life. You will meet other people and they won’t require you to change what you love. It will be okay.
Im in the same situation. Im 22 he’s 33 and we’ve been dating for 2 years now but still no sight, and he was engaged before but he backed out and 2 yrs after that we met…. Lol not gonna lie. Because of the age gap, I thought I’d be married soon. Cos I imagine myself to be married at at least 23-26… but I don’t think it’s happening with him haha… no signs at all… but he does treat me well and really committed… but idk haha marriage is still different commitment… and we talked about like what if ai get pregnant, we’ll keep it but still not get married… so yeah I feel the same, and I have the same question haha
And it completely. Plus he already seems controlling
End it. Because it is over.
You are prolonging the break up, dragging it out, tormenting yourself, but it has already happened.
You can connect deeply with someone who will want to be with you and have the same visions for the future you have.