I (28F) am falling in love with a friend’s (27F), boyfriend (28M). I’m going to call my friend Sarah and her boyfriend Derek.
I met Sarah about a year after moving to NYC in 2016, and I see her at least once a month for brunch with other friends. I actually met Derek the first month of moving to NYC at a rooftop bar. We had a really great conversation and I really liked him but some craziness happened at the bar, we were separated, hadn’t exchanged numbers, and didn’t speak to him again. Until Sarah introduced him to me as her new bf September 2021. It took us awhile to figure out we had actually met before lol.
Derek is exactly the kind of guy I want to marry. He’s funny, smart, has exactly the face I find attractive, and is ambitious. I’m at the point in my life where I really want to find my person and dating is so hard. People have so many different qualities and it’s so impossible to find a guy that precisely matches what I know I want in a partner. Derek is by far and away the best option I’ve met in my life and it’s not even close.
And frankly I don’t think him and Sarah are even good for each other. This year he’s taken her on a 9 day trip to Italy, 5 day trip to London, 5 days in Cabo, a couple of weekend trips upstate, and to his families giant Hampton’s house over the summer. Oh and most of the flights involved those lay down first class seats. And yet she alwaaaays has things to complain about during our monthly brunches. The food in Venice sucked, the hotel in London was small, the train to the Hampton’s was overcrowded. Every time I’ve been somewhere with them she nitpicks at him over the dumbest nonsense.
A few months ago she made an offhand comment at his expense about how she overheard him listening to a nerdy podcast that basically re reads Harry Potter but with that premise that the series is bad. I realized I listen to the same podcast and this is something that MAYBE 4000 people listen to max! I think that this just has to be a sign that 1) she’s not right for him and 2) I am right for him. Also add in the fact that we almost dated in 2016.
I heard through the grapevine that he’s thinking about proposing to her this summer so I need to make a decision soon. We only have one life to live and maybe 90 years or so I don’t want to waste this time, I want to lay my cards on the table to him and try this.
I need an outside perspective though,is this dumb? Should I be doing this? I feel like before marriage actually happens everyone is fair game but I need advice, is it worth it to tell Derek how I feel?
TLDR; I’m falling in love with my friends bf and I want to ask him to leave her for me.
6 comments
This seems pretty wildly disrespectful. If he is thinking of proposing in the summer it sounds like he is maybe quite happy with the relationship. It sounds like you like that he is rich and you listen to the same podcast…like, okay, cool? I don’t think that means he wants to be with you. If I were in his shoes, I would also see it as a massive red flag that you would do this to a fairly close friend and not want to date you for that reason alone. You didn’t “almost date” in 2016 – you had one conversation at a bar and didn’t exchange numbers. I can’t help but feel you have built this up to something in your head that it simply isn’t.
I think you would be a terrible friend if you did this. Not only that, but I’m pretty sure Derek won’t leave this girl for you. He wants to marry her, which points to him actually being happy.
If you care for either of them, you would not want to destroy their relationship. Any time a person has a partner they are off limits. This does not just apply to marriage.
People vent about their relationships. Maybe the food in Italy was disappointing and the hotel room in London was small – that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her boyfriend?
There is no indication Derek wants you and there is no indication that Sarah is actually unhappy with him either.
Lol. It sounds like you want his money, the benefits of it, and you think she doesn’t deserve it. You met this dude 6 years ago at a bar, you didn’t almost date. You quickly realized he has a lot going for himself financially and that’s what you wanna hitch yourself to. Listening to the same podcast that she made fun of doesn’t mean it’s a sign that she’s not right for him and that you are. If you really believe that, then why did y’all get separated at that bar? What’s the sign saying there?
But go ahead, tell him how you feel and see what happens. I’ll bet you if you show him this post he’ll be able to see that you’re gold digging.
INFO: If this man wants to propose (a serious legal and financial commitment) what makes you think he’d be even remotely interested in you?
He knows you, he knows you’re there. He could have easily broken up with Sarah to be with you. He hasn’t and clearly has no interest in doing so.
I mean go and shoot your shot. Sarah deserves a better friend and Derek is going to for sure shut you down.
And I mean if everyone before marriage is fair game, then you wouldn’t be upset if a trusted friend made moves on him too yeah?
Because friendships and relationships definitely don’t mean loyalty to you.
Derek sees who you are OP, sounds like Sarah is a much better match.
You are a horrible person to try and break up your so called friend’s relationship. They should both never speak to you again.