Sorry of formatting is weird. First reddit post
Edit: Thank you all for the advice. Ive been feeling feeling the same way for some time but ive been telling myself its wrong. After seeing the same thing being said I need to make a big change. Thank you all!
A small intro. I 25 year old male currently work full time and overtime in the security field. Not much to note other then overworking myself.
My gf 23 year old with a list of self diagnosed isses a mile long. Including claiming to have DID but only when an adult talk comes around then she acts like a 5yr old. Or passes out when confronted with her own behavior.
I have been with my gf for almost 2 years now and she is my first partner. Things were going great at the start but like a love blind youth with my own family issues, she talked me into getting an apartment together with her after only 6 months. At the time we both had Okayish jobs and the promise was to split the bills. Well moving time comes and she doest want to work her gig jobs alone so I ride along on them. No biggie more time together
Jumping forward a year. Ive jumped jobs for better pay and career advancement, working 60 hours a week and cleaning house. While she quits jobs faster then she can get them cause they are hard (retail) or they dont respect me (she they tell her what to do). We have a joint account for bills but she spends the money on fast food or game streaming supplies, claiming she wll make that her job. Being supportive i get her set up but make the rule she needs a normal job until streaming makes her more Then her day job. She agrees.
Jumping to today. Our lease is almost up, she lost a cushy manager job I pretty much handed her (whole blown out resume which the owner loved) on the 2nd day cause she agreed to 10 hours then told them she cant work more then 6. Shes been without a job for 2 months and does nothing but make messes and play vr chat. She will sit in piles of trash and whine at me to clean it up. I currently work 2 jobs 7 days a week to make ends meet and am dead at the end of the day.
I do love her very much but the effort of caring for her and keeping things afloat is causing enough stress my liver is struggling (according to my doctor) and my hair is falling out. Im not sure if i should ask her to move back home when I renew the lease or what. If i bring it up to her she starts crying about me being just like her exs and i hated her this whole time.
TLDR: First time relationship has turned rocky after moving in together and I dont know what to do.
31 comments
> We have a joint account for bills but she spends the money on fast food or game streaming supplies, claiming she wll make that her job.
So why are your finances still joint? I would have immediately separated them after realising how she handles her money.
How would she act if she was single? Would she simply live at home?
> Our lease is almost up, she lost a cushy manager job I pretty much handed her (whole blown out resume which the owner loved) on the 2nd day cause she agreed to 10 hours then told them she cant work more then 6. Shes been without a job for 2 months and does nothing but make messes and play vr chat. She will sit in piles of trash and whine at me to clean it up. I currently work 2 jobs 7 days a week to make ends meet and am dead at the end of the day.
Yeah, time to live separately. This will help your finances AND mental health.
> Im not sure if i should ask her to move back home when I renew the lease or what. If i bring it up to her she starts crying about me being just like her exs and i hated her this whole time.
Stop letting her emotionally guilt-trip. The issue isn’t her exes or you, SHE is the issue. SHE’s an adult and should be able to support herself.
She needs to get professionally diagnosed. Otherwise, self-diagnoses are often loaded excuses.
[deleted]
She sounds very naive. If she wants to make streaming a job, then she needs to treat it like a job. It needs to be a daily grind to get that viewership up, and brainstorming on how to draw people to her content. You *need* to have a magnetic charisma. Just sitting there playing a game isn’t good enough unless you’re godlike. Simply having the equipment doesn’t make you pro. Unless you have the numbers to pull a living wage, it makes you a poser.
Until that takes off, she needs to do something on the side to support herself. She sounds like the kind of lazy person that is continually working towards their “startup” that will never happen, while constantly stringing along the loved ones in their life so they can financially leech off of them.
I’d ask her if she knows how all of the top streamers got their start, and what kind of work ethic and drive it took to get where they are. All of them streamed for *no money* at one point with viewership in the double digits for years sometimes. It. Is. Hard.
Why are you still with this woman! Hopefully you have no plans to marry her. You need to step away from this relationship and she should seek therapy and go stay with her parents.
Clearly she’s looking for you to take care of her and she’s not looking for an equal relationship. She brings no value, care, or life to the relationship.
DROP HER
You’re letting this girl walk all over you and spend your money. Take all your money out of the joint accounts and when that lease is over RUN, or do what you can to terminate it now. The fact that you’re considering even staying with her is crazy. You’re gonna ruin your life staying with this girl. It’s time to grow a spine man.
Maybe I should try passing out as well next time I have to make another adult decision
You don’t have a girlfriend; you have a mental-illness-faking (or at least exaggerating) mooch who will never be the partner you need in life. Don’t ask her to move back home; TELL her she’s got to get out of your home and that the relationship is over at least until she gets professional help and has been stable, in a job, and supporting herself for a minimum of one year.
Don’t renew the lease. Your gf isn’t equipped to be an independent, self-reliable adult.
Despite of her crying, you need to inform her that you are not renewing the lease on your end and if she wants to renew it, she can do it on her own. Meanwhile, you make your own living arrangements.
And this is when you need come prepared to answer the question what’s next for you as a couple. If it were me, I would part ways as I see no future but you need to think about what you want.
Open your own bank account. Like today. Seriously today. Then deposit the money from the joint account into your newly created account. Quite frankly if you can hack it, break the lease and find somewhere else to live. You need to get out of this situation asap. She is using you, as we speak. It isn’t your job to keep her afloat, its hers. You are only enabling the behavior, which will grow worse and worse.
Bro at this point what are you even getting out of the relationship? A little pussy and you make yourself her maid, provider and supporter?
she acts like a 5yr old
​
i understand this is your first relationship but we dont have relationships with 5 year olds dude, wait out the lease, jib off
Man we need a doormat emoji for people like you. Come on bro, what do you need advice on? Some men will run themselves ragged just to get their dick wet. 🙄 What value does she bring to the relationship? Pussy? Man if I was a women I would 100% find me a nice soft, spineless doormat like yourself and just coast through life no problem. It’s like my own personal servant and bank account.
Stop having sex with her right now, because if she can’t handle you not renewing the lease and sending her home, she may decide that getting pregnant is a good way to trap you.
3rd paragraph, 1st sentence. “She’s my first”
That’s all anyone needs to read. You are WAY overdue to find your 2nd.
Her mental health issues are not your responsibility. Break up with this leech. She is an immature little girl and you don’t deserve to have to finish the job her parents couldn’t be bothered to do.
Kick her out dude. Shes dead weight. Shes more focused on collecting mental illness like pokemon badges than she is on getting her life together. Do you want to marry her, live the rest of your life being a maid to a loser? Run
Run. Your lease expiring is the perfect time to get out of this mess. Having been in a very similar situation, twice, it doesn’t get better. Whatever you do, don’t sign another lease with her.
“does nothing but make messes and play vr chat.”
Oh my god that hit me out of personal experience so fucking hard. My girlfriend is addicted on VRChat too and it is annoying/frustrating as all hell. VRChat is like a realm to all the lazy/failed/problematic/LGBTQ+/Furry folk there is.
People gather there to run away from reality and live in a pure fantasy, people who have issue socializing normally chooses it and it becomes such a thing they can’t walk away. I wouldn’t even be surprised if she’s ERP’ing with others there.
Look mate, I’m guilty myself of staying in a bad relationship so do what I tell ya and not what I do myself: break up with her, focus on yourself, become wealthy, become healthy, become a good person and believe me a new better partner without such immaturity WILL come along.
OP. There is a balance between supporting our partners and enabling them. You have long crossed the line of enabling. Your partner is so far along the enabled line that I do not see a way out of this besides an ultimatum. Truthfully, unless this relationship was otherwise just a dream come true, I would think it’s too far gone.
Your GF will never grow up/change her ways unless she feels she needs to. If she is enabled to be the way she is, she is always going to choose the path of least resistance/least effort.
She is using you. You are taking care of her and neglecting yourself. You need to leave. You aren’t even happy so why would you continue living this life you’ve created with her. At this point it’s self preservation because you are killing yourself. You need your liver man. New goals!! Go create a life we’re your liver is healthy.
When the lease is up, move out alone. Or tell her now to go back to her parents, but realize that it will be really hard to get her out of there, so you need to take some actions now and do not re-sign the lease until you know she is out of there.
So first, this is what the rest of your life will be like. She is not changing, she is not getting better, she cries when you try to talk about it. You will not be as successful in life in this relationship, and you will snap at some point.
Second, she needs more help than you can give her, and her current situation isn’t good for her. The best thing you can do for her is force her in to a different environment. She may not get better, but she certainly isn’t getting better living with you.
Cut off her access to the joint account, pay all the bills for now and when the lease is up, get out of there.
Trust me, there are better partners out there, and trust me, this will not get better.
Are you my older brother? (Can’t be his girlfriend is like 6 years older)
I’m going to tell you this from a loving sister prospective. Leave. She is your girlfriend not your child. You are partners. It’s sweet you want to help her but do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you want to be a cash cow caregiver? Do you want children? Who will take care of them and keep a roof over your heads? Would you want your son to date someone like her? We want nothing but your happiness and if she gives you that great! But if you feel like this is to much to handle it’s ok to leave. This is your life and no one else is going to live it for you.
What is it with people doing joint accounts with bfs/gfs? It’s risky imo. I mean, unless I’m out of the loop or something, and its the “in” thing today? Idk. My husband and I only got a joint account after we got married.
OP, you deserve better. There are women in this world that can pull their own weight. She’s acting like a child. Why are you even with her? If you’re stressing so much that your hair is falling out and your liver is struggling, you need to consider the relationship.
*Edit: also, I’m laughing at the part where she said she’ll only work 6 hours? And she has no other responsibilities?? The entitlement. She’s gonna keep losing jobs if she gets them, are you seriously okay with a moocher for the rest of your life? It needs to be a partnership, not a father-daughter sugar daddy relationship (unless you want a sugar daddy relationship… then idk).
She is so clearly not ready for an adult relationship. This is someone who needs to get their own shit sorted out pronto, and you should absolutely not have to pick up after her while she avoids any responsibility. She brings nothing to the table and you deserve better.
Passing out when confronted is a sign of narcissistic behavior. I used to date someone who did that, and she called it, “emotional narcolepsy.” Basically, she is the star of her own show, and when she’s confronted by one of the uncredited extras (that’s you, btw) with some issue that doesn’t advance her plot line, she gets bored and passes out.
That behavior does not improve. Ever.
Just leave.
So what, exactly, are you getting out of a relationship with someone who, in your words, behaves like a 5yo and fakes passing out when confronted?
All I can say is the sex must be awfully, *awfully* good. Because at no point in what you wrote did you describe anything she does in a positive light.
Let the lease expire and move to a new place and let her know the move is just you. She can figure her own shit out she’s an adult you are NOT responsible for her whatsoever. Whatever you do don’t let her move with you or tell her where you are going. Block her everywhere. She’s using you man. You’re too young for this shit. It’s your first relationship I know it’s hard but this is not what a relationship is supposed to be.
If she is crying that you are like her exes, that is saying something.
She wants a sugar daddy, not a boyfriend. Next time the lease is up, tell her she’s out. Don’t make it a discussion. Don’t leave it up to a debate. If she cries or curses, then she cries and curses.
Find someone better.
This isn’t going to get better.
People who are lazy in their relationships stay lazy in their relationships. She sounds like my ex sister in law..lol Who, by the way, was still like this at 32 when their marriage finally ended.
I’m not saying she can’t get better, but, she’s not going to get better with you because there is no motivation to. I should have dropped my spouse back off at his parents when he quit his job right after we got married and let me work three jobs to cover everything.
He’s never gotten any better and then he cheated on me anyways. It’s funny, because that’s what my sister in law did too.
Lazy people are self-centered. Let her parents deal with the problem they raised.
Not to be rude or anything but are you fucking stupid. Dump this parasite.