I’m in my mid-30’s and married for one year. We dated for 5 years prior. We’ve moved a couple times for work/covid WFH situational stuff over the past 2 years (when we were engaged & married). Prior to that we had been in the same place. I think moving created new challenges with family, friends, his job, etc. he’s going through some health stuff and is currently on leave from work. He plans to make a career change this year and we plan to make one more move closer to family and “settle down”. He’s been unemployed before and frankly the unstableness is destructive. We both really want kids soon.
For the past 8 months or so we’ve had these serious fights, half ass makeups, move on, do it again. We work, eat, watch tv. Occasionally one of us plans something but our life is so stale. We’re both in therapy and working through the root cause of these issues, past trauma, etc.
I’m not looking for advice on my specific situation – therapy is helping me work through that. I’m looking for what others have gone through. Please be kind.
I keep seeing red flags screaming at me to cut my losses, divorce, and hope I can work on myself and hopefully live the life I want and eventually have a family. I’ve been day dreaming about a partner who I could be obsessed with. Dumb i know. I love my husband but idk. On the other hand, all marriages take work right? He’s a good guy, I’m a good lady – we’re still learning and growing and we’ll be fine. TBH I’m terrified of having a kid with him and then it blowing up. But I’m even more terrified of never getting to be a mother. Our problems aren’t deep, maybe consistent therapy works. But the clock is ticking on my motherhood
TLDR: should marriage be this hard this early? It’s all the little struggles and the daydreams of what could’ve been. When you had a baby were you 10000000% this is my person forever?
3 comments
Babies exacerbate marriage issues. Do not have a child when you’re unsure about your partner.
It seems like you guys just got caught with life just lifing as i like to put it.
The first year of my marriage we moved away from home for my job, then started trying for a baby only to be told I’m infertile with a whole bunch of grief, anger, chaos, and built up resentment then throw in a pandemic and a job downsize in the middle of buying a house and now here we are 4 years later stronger than ever with a house and a newborn. There were times where her and I both were just going through the motions. Walking on eggshells. Existing together. And we realized we both wanted this to work and both wanted to do life together.
I say that to say, the work is alway going to be there for a marriage to be successful. It may take tears, cries, yells and some soul searching to get it to be successful but i don’t think I’d rather go through life without my wife by my side. I’ve been with my wife now 14 years. Married 5. We both have changed, we’ve both grown into different people bedside circumstances have forced us to adapt and change over the years. We’re going to be different people now too because now we’re also parents.
When we had our daughter, our foundation was strong. The love i have for my wife jumped immensely throughout her pregnancy but even moreso watching her in labor and delivering our daughter. Babies imo don’t wreck or save relationships, they just highlight the strengths and weaknesses imo of relationships. You’ll really be able to see how your relationship is when you add a baby
The first year of marriage is extremely difficult. My husband and I dated for six years before getting married and the daily life together was a shock to the system. We waited to have kids because we knew we were not stable yet and still needed to figure our marriage out. It takes time. If there are no glaring issues like cheating or abuse in whatever form, I’d say to stick it out and see how it goes. The pandemic really negatively impacted everyone and you guys will need to learn what is baseline for your marriage and start from there.