I (36F) have been married to my husband (39M) for over 15 years. We are deep in a rut that we may not be able to get out of. I’m realizing it may be because he is an avid debate-er. He regularly watches youtube debates, gets into big loud arguments with people about random social issues, etc. I don’t do any of that. I avoid conflict as much as possible.
Up until now we’ve worked ok because any time we got into a disagreement I would just let him have his way (for the most part). But 15 years of doing that has made me resentful, shut me down and I’m finally at a point of saying “I’m not ok with being treated this way. I need you to be open to really hearing me and meeting me in the middle, not just steamrolling over what I’m saying.”
I don’t know if we’ll be able to work it out, but we are both trying hard. I’m going through the book He Wis She Wins by Dr. Willard Harley ([TLDR here](https://memod.com/lynlovesbooks/8-tips-for-successful-marital-negotations-5788)) and it gives all these excellent guidelines about how to successfully negotiate in marriage. I love the ideas, but putting them into practice feels insurmountably difficult. I’m very prone to crying, admitting defeat and retreating rather than – like the book describes – continuing to negotiate until a win-win or mutually agreeable solution is reached.
Has anyone gotten better at staying firmly resolved and/or marital negotations?
1 comment
You have to know what you need, what you are willing to compromise over and what a satisfying end result will be. When you go in with a plan and know what you want, it is a lot harder to get pushed around or to overcompromise.
The next step is to be able to slow down. A lot if those debate lord types are loud and gish gallop. Gish galloping is when they list a ton of things that you don’t really have enough time to unpack or deal with and can overwhelm you. Slow it down and focus on one topic and one point at a time. If he changes the subject, change it back and don’t acknowledge the change in topic until it is resolved. This might mean you asking the same question multiple times. Do this in a nice way, but don’t let him derail or obfuscate your points.
If he yells or gets emotional, you need to stay calm. If you get emotional and yell, it encourages him to do so. When people are yelling or are passionate, they aren’t really listening.
With practice, it won’t be as scary. The key is to be confident in your own experiences and know what end result you want and what compromise you are willing to accept.