Hey everyone. Throwaway for obvious reasons.
I’ve been seeing my bf for nearly 3 years now. I just got back home from college (I go 8+ hrs away full time, so I have to stay up there) for Christmas break a week and change ago, and we had a great Christmas and New Years together, but now we’re in our worst rough patch, and I’m not sure what to do here.
Just for context, I have some pretty difficult mental issues and I’m currently in the process of therapy for it (I go about once a month). I have issues with depression and anxiety and sometimes that has caused issues in our relationship. I often make mistakes with the things he’s asked me to change (repeating myself, not listening closely enough or giving replies with effort, asking the same question, not remembering things) and he always blows up in my face about it. I’ve told him repeatedly that I can talk it out like an adult, but not when he blows up in my face. Recently when he got a little upset about something, he told me he was going to punch me for it if I did it again. He meant it as a joke, but I don’t know how I feel about it.
Now onto the reason the rough patch is happening. My bf is suffice to say, a hypochondriac. He’s very nervous about various illnesses and he’s said before he refuses to get sick. I wore masks during and after the pandemic. I decided to stop wearing them a while ago and didn’t tell my boyfriend (we’re both vaccinated.) I understand him being upset about this to some degree, but he immediately argued with me. I tried to be amiable, saying I understood why he was upset and that I didn’t think I would get him sick (I still sanitize my hands, and I don’t go out very often.) I had also forgotten he had mentioned that one of his friends had died from it and he’s arguing that I’m inconsiderate and selfish, that I don’t consider him in my day to day life, saying that he’s considering breaking up with me over it. I felt completely powerless and bullied, but I also felt like an ass. I don’t think there’s anybody right in the argument. The last time we talked, I tried to arrange a time so we could talk this out, because it was clear that there was a problem, and he says he doesn’t want to “negotiate” with me.
There was a previous instance of him having, pardon my french, rather controlling behavior. I didn’t tell him that I was going to a party (a small shindig for my friend’s birthday.) I was a little drunk but I was driven home by a DD friend so I was completely safe, and he thought I cheated on him (I can attest that I didn’t even think about cheating on him.)
In short, I’m really upset and angry, and I dont know what I should do about this. We haven’t talked for the past couple of days. Despite everything, I still love him and I’m willing to forgive (we all have flaws, and I believe any mistake can be forgiven.)
Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.
TL:DR – My boyfriend is angry and considering to break up with me because I didn’t tell him I stopped wearing a mask. I didn’t think I have to tell him everything, and I’m unsure what to do. I haven’t talked to him for the past few days. I still love him. Advice?
3 comments
You have the distance and time away from his continual hysteria and threats of violence to see him for what he is. You have educational access to your uni’s MH services and feminist groups, and yet still cling to the precepts of a conservative family culture. “It’s fine. It’s all fine. I’ll just forgive him!”
You can’t forgive someone who has done nothing wrong, and he knows he’s done nothing wrong. You can’t accept an apology or amends that were never made. Your solution is to throw gasoline on the flames; you’re encouraging his escalation from threat to putting you in the hospital.
Make an appt with your school’s counseling office, contact a few women’s groups on campus, read some pamphlets about DV; start using your expensive education to build a better idea of normal.
You’re awfully young to need a set of false teeth.
if this relationship now nolonger matter as it used to. you can decide to end it, and save yourself the trouble of figuring out, attempting to arrive to a resolution.
but if you love him that much. you can now start on evaluating what can be done.
self evaluation and understanding yourself first is good. as it gives you awareness of your limitations.
then.
understanding his perception. is the next step. it allows you to communicate to him your side, in a very easier way for him to understand, because your speaking to him in his own perspective.
it would be helpfull too, to see it. that your attitude in conversing with him now is affected by your previous conversations together. you have now created a perception, an estimation of how he may act,
and realize more so, that he also has now formed his attitude of conversing with you, that it is affected by his previous experience with you and this iis based on that assumption.
this is very important. so you wont get suprised, why he is behaving as he is behaving now. and alk your discussion focused on that instead of something better.
him not being too responsive as you would have hoped, when you tried asking him to make a disucssion together, is a result of him, seeing you, that you refuse to talk in situations you disagree about in your previous interaction before. more especially if it had happened the same way a couple of tines before.
he might still believe, you may act the same way as you did before.
he does not know, you may be thinking differently now.
to suprise a person that your conversation together is not like the unproductive one as before is to tell him
that you understand his concern the last time.
you have to tell him clearly his own view, and how it is right in his perpecrive. tell him this in detail.
he will be suprised by it, and then he will listen what you have to say for yourself. then you explain your side of the story.
first about the party.
tell him you can understand his concern.
that by ommitting to tell him about it, he may have thought, you was hiding your plan, because you may have known he would refuse the idea, knowing he took seriously the idea of catching something and then passing it to him.
but that is not what had haooened – insert reason
that you, not avoiding getting drunk, might have been taken advantage of by men, should an explotative person hae been there in that party, he might have the oppurtunity if he intended to.
but their ought not to be concerned about that – insert your view
that you understand, couples who miss to say things bout partying and drinking, can make the other party concerned. concerned that even if their is no intentions, unpredictable things might have happen. undesired by both couple. and the other could not have avoid situations should he wish to express his concerns, because he only knew when its been done…
but such their need not concern about that as – insert your view.
that his serious with covid because, he might unknowingly passed it ti his parents who are old, or grandparents. and they might not survive as young adults do. and if he got sick. it would be very expensive. both time and money
—- insert your explanation here…
i believe if you have a good reasonable explanation, he may not like it. but logic always is convincing… should you apologize. you able to understand things as he does. changes things.
but if both your views are very opposit. you realize that.
for his and your sake.
you have ti amicably part ways.
their is nothing bad at people breaking up. if both were honest of their limitations. and they are just not compatible…..
Focus on self-love and your mental health,try to enjoy your college experience.