I (F24) was on my boyfriend’s (M28) phone the other day and saw an unsaved number in his messages. I was being nosy, and I’m not going to defend my behavior but I went through the messages. He had been chatting with his ex-girlfriend during months 2-3 of our relationship, saying that he missed her and made a mistake.
Some background; we got together pretty shortly after him and his ex broke up and at the time, I had a suspicion he still had feelings for her. Him and I were also going through a rough start of the relationship. I was trying to move too fast, and when I started dating him I wasn’t sure if he was ready. He tried to break up with me during month 3 but I didn’t want to so we pushed through. Now, over a year later, things have completely changed. He’s open and honest with me, he’s shared his location with me, I know all of his passwords, and we signed a lease for next month. We have been together for almost 1.5 years at this point.
I know that he hasn’t talked to his ex since, other than a happy birthday a month ago (which is how I saw the unsaved number. The only exchange there was “happy birthday” and “thanks”). I know he isn’t talking to other girls, as we basically live together now and spend all our time together. I’m not really worried about that. But I am upset about what I found with his ex, as it confirmed some of my worst fears when we started dating.
I haven’t confronted him yet about the messages because I’m still figuring out how. Is it possible to move past this? Does it seem like he’s actually changed and is trustworthy today?
TL;DR: discovered boyfriend emotionally cheated during months 2-3 of our relationship. Now, at 1.5 years things have changed but wondering if we can recover from this.
5 comments
He wanted to split at the time. You wouldn’t let go. He’s let go of her since.
Bury it and quit snooping. Enjoy what you’ve got and stop inventing problems.
Don’t bury it. Come clean that you went through his phone. Admit to him why you felt the need to look – is there part of you that’s still scared to lose him? Apologize for the invasion of privacy and lack of trust you gave him.
If you want to move forward and are truly happy with him, you have to choose to let what happened early on go. You knew how he felt, especially when he tried to break things off, but your relationship has since grown in a positive direction. You either continue down that path or subject your happiness to something neither of you can change from the past.
the almost broke off in the 3rd month part, was him, knowing he had fallen short, wanted to do you justice by breaking it off.
he had the intentiin to move on with you, though he may have fallens short. but it should not be looked upon as premeditated deception, both of you knowing he just broke off from an emotional relationship.
your being dissapointed about it, is only normal reaction by someone emotionally involved, your relationahip with him matters to you.
come thinking about it. you ought not to continue feeling something close to a grudge with him.
but what had happened now, the stage you bith are in, is a different situation than when you first decide to be in a relationship.
first fact, he oreviously did not know if he ccan move on or not. now, he can make a fair esrimation of his feelings with his ex and with you.
second fact. is you re-evaluating your own feelings of what had just happened, and contrasting it with allowances that could happen, knowing what you know now. and your resolution about, what are you personalky gonna decide?
in the end. you are in a better postion now to see things better to decide. and so will he.
it will help, if both of you now speak honestly how yyou bith feel. so false assumption are not made, and their is least likely a dissapointment to happen. in other words. you and him must both decide, not one person deciding for both to make it happen
See this is why these situations are so difficult, once the trust is broken, it’s almost impossible to feel comfortable.
I’m wondering why he feels the need to stay in touch at all with an ex that he was dodgy about. No reason to stay in touch.
Let him know what you found so he can understand that you’re still not comfortable. If he’s given you access, he must expect you’ll look at some point.
you said that he has changed in the past year with him. it sounds like he first wanted to jump ship but then decided to stay. i think that if he was texting his ex after things improved with you-that would be weird