My wife recently told me that she used to do sugar dating, specifically older married men. She said it wasn’t for money or gift’s specifically more posh experiences in London and fancy hotels. Since she told me though I cannot get it out of my head. I was shocked when she told me, but the reality is what she did in her past is nothing to do with me, and because I reacted a bit poorly she says she doesn’t want to talk about it again so as not to upset me. The problem is every time I am alone I am filled with horrid images and feel completely inadequate. We have a great sex life, quite adventurous and look after each other really well. She says she is happy with me and so on but I can’t get these thoughts out my head and it is making me depressed. I just want to be able to acknowledge what happened and move on but I’m stuck. Please help.
33 comments
Are you bothered by her past or by the lying ?
Why on earth did she tell you this. If she was a sex worker, she should have told you before marriage, not afterwards
I would encourage couples and perhaps individual counseling. This is something you need to talk about and not rug sweep.
Why would she tell you*ONLY* now…? What’s the catch? Is she assuming that this “small” detail will surface soon?
And… Didn’t you set some rules in this regards from now on, regarding past “fellows” in case you both meet them? Or they are so old that no chance at all…?
It’s basically dropping your pants for gifts, trips, jewellery etc so yeah she was basically paid in some form for sex. People judge prostitution as a career path (I don’t, people have to earn), don’t really see much difference in this. You’re providing a service for financial gain of some sort. Not my cup of tea and you have to ask yourself wether you can be with her knowing this.
Your wife was a sex worker. Those decisions inform how she views sex and relationships. You are right to be having second thoughts. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be married to her.
I mean, of course this is something in her past but it does teach you a lesson about her morals… She didn’t have a problem with being a homewrecker and sleeping with married man, for me that’s the main problem
I would feel pretty terrible being in your position. Your wife’s sexual expression and affection was for sale. It was a product. She didn’t sleep with these men because she liked anything about them, but because she liked what she could get from them.
If that doesn’t devalue intimacy, then I don’t know what does. It’s completely cynical and self-serving.
But at the end of the day, you know your wife and we don’t. Maybe she’s since changed her values and the past truly is the past… or maybe this is an indication of her true views on sex and affection.
Telling you she was a prostitute after 10 years together is a big lie by omission. There is no surprise is causes you a shock and affects you.
A professional will be able to help you out. Now, I think you have a bigger problem and it is with your wife, her lie, and the fact she considers this normal and that you have to suck it up.
Good luck
That’s a total dealbreaker for a lot of people. I would feel very betrayed and deceived. I would be getting divorced. That’s something that should be disclosed before a marriage.
It’s frustrating when people say their partners past doesn’t matter it certainly does and no one can tell us whether or not we need to be okay with stuff like this or anything for that matter no one should be forced to be with someone due to lies of omission you have every right to be upset about this and in all honesty I would leave her after finding this out nothing is going to take that feeling away I’m sorry for the position you’re in I would be extremely upset but don’t allow her to tell you you cannot be upset over this because it was in her past
Your wife was a hoe sorry that she told you so late
A lot of people consider sex work to be a dealer breaker. Sugar babies are just sex workers with extra steps. I don’t know why she waited until now to disclose. I couldn’t be with a person who was willing to sell their body like that. It’s not even like she did it to pay her bills or put food on the table. It was literally for luxuries.
I have a partner with an exciting history too. I think I’ve always framed it as a way to bond and understand who she is. What I mean is we talk about it (I’ve even seen pictures), but the same as we talk about stories of childhood friends or fucked up things her parents did. There’s no judgement, it’s just stories about how we got to where we are now.
I get your imagination is running wild, and it sounds like what you said to her, made her want to shut off the conversation. I imagine it’s going to be healthier to have the discussion than to stew on it and create scenarios, but for that to happen you are going to have to walk it back and give her a place where she feels like it’s ok to tell you about it.
She did it for ‘posh experiences in hotels’. How fucking stupid does that sound lmfao. Damn, sucks that OP got saddled with this chick.
Just cuz no one else said it. Got get yourself tested if you never have.
Sugar dating is sex work. Essentially a quid pro quo, exchange of services. It’s whether that is something that bothers you?
OMG the ridiculous shaming in the comment threads and the volume of people who equate being a sugar baby with prostitution is ludicrous and embarrassing. Y’all have internet access, educate yourself!
I hear OP crying as if his wife cheated on him when she did not, that she has a past, as if he doesn’t as well, and that she knows how to negotiate a relationship based on more than what her genitals are telling her to do. Why is everyone so disgusted? She’s not doing it now. Does her SO think he’s so rich that she’s graduated from sugar baby to trophy wife and he’s got buyers remorse? Everyone is presuming she slept with every person she dated when that’s not what all sugar relationships are about. Lots of people just want arm candy for the night or someone to pay attention to that isn’t a complicated part of their life, and all sorts of non-sexual things. Is OP jealous because those dates were with people who are wealthier? Would he feel better knowing his wife was chaste or that the only people she had sex with were impoverished but willing? Even if she had sex for money, why the stigma? Guys – are you or are you not throwing money at dates just so you can get laid? You buy meals, gifts, luxuries…all to seduce your date into sex, so why all this drama?
OP, if you are just so disgusted by her past that you can’t stop obsessing over it, do her a favor and cut her loose before she wastes her life trying to make someone who thinks she’s trash, happy.
Grow up.
She waits to tell you after now she’s entitled to half your shit. If you can’t work through it consult a divorce lawyer.
That’s a huge deal breaker, if this is actually true I feel sorry for you OP but as Tom Arnold once told Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies “ditch the bitch”
If my partner out of no where told me they used to sleep with *married* men knowingly that would quite literally change my whole perspective of them. How can you trust them when they’re that okay with cheating
That is a horrible thing to do
This is not something that I could move on from. The fact that she specifically ‘dated’ married men indicates a callous and selfish streak where her material gain trumps the possibility of breaking up a family. I have no doubt that she would take a dim view if you were caught with a sugar date! There’s also the fact that intimacy was reduced to a purely transactional level.
This is the type of thing that should be told at the beggining of the relationship
I think the bigger issue here is she was willing to be a mistress to a married man. To know that a person is married and actively hurting their spouse (knowing that the spouse would be devastated) and be fine with that as long as trips, money, gifts keep coming says something about her. What are her beliefs on cheating? Does she think it’s okay as long as no one finds out? Does she not see her part in contributing to a shit head cheating on his wife? I don’t have an issue with sex work specifically. I think the issue is she willing participated as a mistress and what her ideas on cheating are in general and how that relates to your relationship. Are you okay with her views with cheating in a relationship? I think this would bother me the absolute most. I’d rather my spouse have been involved with the swinger lifestyle or poly or whatever as long as it was upfront because everyone is consenting to the dynamic.
Sugar dating = escort, period, “buuuut it’s just dating blablabla”
A lot of escorts clients don’t have sex with them, they just talk and express feelings, they are still escorts.
“Ohh but what ir she just happen to date guys with money blabla”
Dating someone with money because You like the person is one thing. Sugar dating is fucking sugar dating because You are in it For the money not the person, is fucking sex work stop the mental gymnastics people, it’s like saying it isnt prostitution if the sex worker enjoyed the sex WTF, sugar dating is sex work, they just call it sugar dating because they can’t fucking cope with it and need to do mental gymnastics to accept what they do, theres nothing wrong with sex work, but fucking call it what it is, sex work, op your wife is an ex sex worker, and she should have told You, this is a relationship nuke, You had a right to make an informed decition, she has no ground to stand on and being all mad, You are the one who should be mad, this is relationship ending información, she acted in a very dishonest way and her attitude after is very disgusting.
This would be an, “I’m sorry, pause” moment for me.
“What she did in her past has nothing to do with me.” Mmm, I don’t agree with that. She was a sex worker (AND a cheat-ee)! I think partners deserve to know history like that, especially before it gets to the point of marriage! Of course, you’re questioning everything now, thrown off, and depressed. A lie by omission is still a lie, and these men were **married.** I’d feel lost and like I didn’t know this person at all.
“because I reacted a bit poorly she says she doesn’t want to talk about it again so as not to upset me.” This is bs and borderline gaslighting. Of course, you reacted poorly. She just told you she cheated with rich men for perks! That she used to be a sex worker.
Your feelings are valid.I’d recommend couple’s therapy. But this would make me second guess everything, honestly.
Of course she will tell you she didn’t have sex. To protect your marriage. Ask if she would be comfortable with you Sugar Dating a young attractive Woman? I bet not.
Your wife did more than what she said. She’s giving the friendly version of that.
To me, the biggest issue here is that she was willing to sleep with married men. To me, that shows a simple disregard for marriage. It makes me wonder if she takes your marriage seriously and what she may have done that you don’t know about?
The secondary issue, but also important, is that she sees sex as a commodity. Does she use sex as a bartering tactic in your marriage? “If you do xxx for me I’ll have sex with you.” Or “If you don’t do xxx I won’t have sex with you” Are these familiar conversations?
Honestly, I’m not sure how I would handle this, but I don’t think you are wrong for feeling bad about it.
Dude , quit torturing yourself , Like really. A woman has reasons why she chooses her man. Honestly she dated wealthy older men for the adventure. But later on realized she didn’t like that and found you ! She wanted you and cares enough about you to tell you . Honestly don’t let her past dictate your relationship.
As a man I would rather a woman have dated older wealthier men as opposed sleeping around a bunch of college frat boys . She at least had a reason , wanting to experience a rich lifestyle. And then , She realized money wasn’t what she wanted . That is a lesson many women don’t learn . But she has , so let it go mate.
It is totally your business what she did on the past. She lied by omission and you got married under false pretenses. You were sold a lie by a former prostitute. That is exactly what she is. She is only telling you now because she thinks you are a doormat beta that has no choice but to accept it and move on with her. She has shown you that she clearly thinks you are weakling. Don’t be the the weak disrespected person she thinks you are, kick her to the curb with the rest of the leftovers.
Yeah. She considers relationships to be transactional. As soon as she feels like she’s not getting a return on her investment with you, she’s going to dip.
I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you are upset at, if it is fixable and what outcome you think you will get by re-confronting this issue – in a marriage no less. She cannot change what she did, you really are not going to change how you feel (despite what some may say on here) so what is the point of banging your head on the wall. If you NEED to talk about it, I would advise a third party (i.e. councilor of some sort) and not family/friends who’s opinions and therefore relationship with your wife might be changed. End of the day there are just some things that you don’t want to know about your spouse and if you do, you don’t talk about it – unless it is grounds for termination of the marriage of course.