Hi. I (23F) have a very wonderful boyfriend (25M) of almost 8 months and a good friend (25M) of about 4 years . Usually, I see my friend about once a week. We also text every day. My boyfriend has explicitly stated that he dislikes him. I think the dislike is mainly due to these things:
One is that I get into arguments with my good friend somewhat regularly (less so these days though). So my bf probably thinks my friend is the type of person who instigates these arguments, since me and my bf don’t argue.
The other main issue for his dislike is the fact that my bf thinks my good friend is “weird” and is also “disrespectful of our relationship.” I think this belief is kinda valid. Since we are so close, my good friend will sometimes share TMI things with me, like about sex or masturbation. (I don’t share much these days, but when I was single I would share some info about my sexual encounters with people from dating apps). For example, he’ll tell me how his masturbation habits have improved and how he’s been discussing it with his therapist. Another time, about to hang out and he said he had to go do something first, but that he shouldn’t say what is is. So of course I asked what it was, and he said he was going to masturbate. That felt kinda weird so I mentioned this conversation to my bf, but maybe I shouldn’t have, because now he dislikes my friend.
(My bf has this belief that most men are bad people who will “do anything to get their dicks wet.” He implies that he thinks my friend shares these things because he has some sort of desire to be with me sexually, but this is almost certainly not the case.)
My first concern is that I acted poorly by revealing these private things that my friend said to me to my bf. My second concern is that I still see my friend once a week, and I get anxious when I do because I feel like I’m making my bf unhappy by doing this. How can I fix this? Maybe I can correct my friend’s behavior and then my bf will stop disliking him? Is there some other solution?
tl;dr: The fact that my(23F) boyfriend (25M) dislikes my best friend (25M) makes me anxious when I spend time with that friend. He dislikes my friend because of some things about my friend that I shared with him. How can I fix this?
7 comments
How do you respond when your friend mentions sexual things to you? Are you able to set boundaries with him and let him know that it’s not appropriate for him to share that kind of information with you? That seems like the most simple way to help your boyfriend feel more comfortable with the friendship.
Not the question you were asking, but FYI, the only guys who think that “all men will do anything to get their dicks wet” are… the guys who will do anything to get their dicks wet.
Your bf doesn’t have to like your friend. He just needs to be able to tolerate that you are friends and if he ever sees him, he needs to be able to be polite. None of us likes everyone.
I think you’re right that you need to stop repeating private stuff about your friend to your bf. There is no reason to do that and it’s just adding fuel to this situation. If you’re uncomfortable with how much your friend shares with you, you need to tell him that. It’s really not up to your bf to decide what your friend tells you. He’s not a part of those conversations.
Yes, it’s possible your bf decides that you have bad taste in friends and it might be a deal-breaker for him. That certainly would be anxiety inducing. But there’s not much you can do about it other than dump your friend. I probably wouldn’t be willing to dump a good friend after only 8 months of dating unless I felt that there was a problem with said friendship.
Honestly, I think this is kind of your bf’s problem. I think he has to figure out whether you and he share core basic values and whether he can tolerate the areas in which you disagree.
And while I haven’t seen you and your friend interact, it IS possible he DOES have feelings for you that you are not aware of.
Your boyfriend doesn’t have to like him, and you shouldn’t drop a friend, but you should set reasonable boundaries, such as telling your friend to no longer talk to you about his sex or masturbation habits, which includes alluding to them by saying there is something he shouldn’t be telling you – he should just keep that to himself. Tell him to, and if he is a real friend, then he will stop talking to you about those things.
Don’t share things your friend says that you wouldn’t feel comfortable with him sharing about you. Especially if it makes you BF unhappy.
And if he is telling you things that you aren’t comfortable with regardless of if you were previously (consent can always be withdrawn) then tell him. If he is a true friend he should understand.
As for your BF’s attitude about other men, it speaks more to his thoughts and behaviours than your friends. Men who think that way also tend to have trust issues. I’d take a good look at your relationship – is he actually worried about your friends intentions or yours.
It could be that he is insecure and thinks you might cheat on him, which is a red flag. Love has to involved trust to work.
You will not “correct your friends behavior,” so throw that one out the window now. Why is your friend so argumentative? I have friends of the opposite sex and we don’t argue… in fact, very few people in my friend groups argue with each other and those that did have stopped being friends.
What you say about your boyfriend is actually the most concerning part about the whole post. He believes men are bad people who are just out to get their dicks wet? That sounds like projection to me. And immediately made me think your boyfriend is the problem here.
Think hard about your relationship and if your boyfriend is presenting his misogyny in other areas. Because that mindset is wildly outdated.
Your partner comes first. Not your friend.
You agrees that your ‘friend’ disrespects your relationship and sometimes has sexual conversations with you. And you don’t correct him. Why?
Your BF has valid reason for disliking that man. And if you truly love your BF, then you should put him first.
Ask yourself this. If your bf had afemale best friend and they ahd the exact same conversations, fights you 2 had how would you feel?? Especially her telling him she is gona masturbate.