My (38M) husband (35M) keeps using my deodorant. At first I thought he just ran out. Even after replacing the one he took he kept using mine instead. While we were at the store I asked him what brand he wants and bought a stick for each of us. He didn’t open the brand I got him, instead he’s just been using the one I’d just opened and used for myself.
I’m sure some people think it’s no big deal but some items should be personal. I don’t share his toothbrush, his razors, or use the same towel. If I did it’d be a one time thing due to special circumstances not on going. I don’t mind sharing non-personal items like spray deodorant or hair gel, but sharing a stick of deodorant can transfer germs, bacteria, fungi, and even cooties (j/k on cooties but personally I’m not into rubbing armpits).
Sharing deodorant is a little gross for me, but I don’t want to put it like that because he’ll take it personally and accuse me of calling him gross. The bigger issue is not respecting boundaries.
He has a history of borrowing things without asking, or commandeering things for his own use. Sometimes I never see them again or he damages them; usually by accident but sometimes by using them for something he didn’t want to risk his own stuff with (e.g., borrows my clothes if there’s a risk he’ll mess up his own). When I try to bring it up or ask him not to take something I need or has sentimental value he get really defensive and escalates quickly. He says things like there’s no mine or yours, it’s ours now (married 4 years now but he said this when we first started dating too). He accuses me of being TA for not letting him use it and says I’m overacting. Then he’ll jump to extreme statements, like well then we just won’t share anything at all then and oh so you think I’m gross. Sometimes he even threatens to leave or accuses me of not loving him. After trying to set the boundary he sometimes becomes passive aggressive and will pick petty arguments for a few days. If I ask him not to take something he’ll often do it anyways. It’s put a strain on our relationship.
TLDR: Partner keeps borrowing my deodorant and other things without asking. I think deodorant should be a personal item. How can I bring it up so he doesn’t take it personally (not wanting to share personal items) and handle extreme responses like well we won’t share anything at all then.
3 comments
He sounds like he doesn’t actually care that much about you or your boundaries. Especially if he wears *your clothes* without asking when he’s doing something that could (*fake gasp*) get him *dirty*.
This is definitely a red flag, and you need to take a closer look at other parts of your relationship. What other boundaries does he regularly push passive aggressively?
Legitimately just ask him not to use it if it bothers you that much. I feel like until you do that it’s hard to tell what other advice to give you. If you think even just asking for what you want will upset him to a degree you’re this stressed out by, there’s nothing we can really do to help.
Buy him your brand. I use so called ladies deodorant because the musky smell of the male variety makes my asthma react.