Even though I have special interests I can go on a rant about for an hour or so, and I have a pretty unique fashion sense, I still fail to carry on conversation or even start it. Pretty much the only times I can make good conversation is whenever I make it all about myself or when it’s about a subject that’s deep and philosophical or no one really seems interested in. And to top it all off, I’m terrible at making people laugh. This makes me feel isolated among my group of friends, because although I’d love to engage in meaningful conversation with them and crack a few smiles, I just can’t think of anything to say. This makes my social life very dull. I just feel like I don’t make a good enough impression on people, and this leads to me not really being close to anyone in reality, despite having a few people I’d consider my best friends. I’m not invited to any of the more private events at someone’s house, like a sleepover or party; I’m really only present when most of the group is meeting up, like a perpetual third wheel. I don’t know what to do anymore; I used to be good at this kind of stuff, but now I’m so inept and awkward.
2 comments
You don’t need to stand out, just pleasant to be around. So practice a lot of active listening and summarising. Once you have that down ppl will be more open to have deeper conversations with you.
Since most people are fairly average and are desperate to fit in, it doesn’t take much to stand out. But I think you’re going about it in the wrong way.
So first of all rest easy in your uniqueness — having a cool and unusual fashion sense is a gift, and you have other unusual interests on top of that, so you’ve got the internal aspect covered. You don’t need any more unique traits on the inside.
It’s the external that’s got you bogged down. Part of it is that many people don’t have to confidence to be secure in their value and lean in to their unique traits. They’re too busy worrying about other people’s reaction to them. (This isn’t just you. It’s a LOT of people! It’s me as a kid. It’s even some of the confident people who are secretly worried.)
I’ll start with the humor aspect. Don’t worry about telling jokes, being funny, trying to entertain. That stuff will ramp up once you get more fully comfortable in your own skin. But there IS a secret to being fun in a group without necessarily being ‘the entertaining one.’ That is based on ATTITUDE. The key word for the Attitude you’re aiming for is PLAYFUL. That sums up in one word the type of aura that will carry you far in any social situation. If someone is PLAYFUL I want that person at my events! I want them at anything I’m attending. Those type of people make life worth living!
So, how does one become playful? It starts with mindset, an ability to relax and realize even though life is at times: hard, boring, repetitive, drudgery, annoying, even heart-breaking, for the most part it’s hilariously ridiculous. The traffic, the weather, the food, the things people say and do…it’s just common humanity trying to be ultra serious when life simply is not. We all die in the end. Kick back, laugh and enjoy it!
Another way to sharpen your humor skills to contribute to the Playful Attitude is to find some comedians on youtube and watch them. Take some of their jokes (which are mostly stories!) and see how you can apply their point of view to something that happens in your own life. They often talk about silly things: how we eat, how we do errands, ridiculous things that happen in their lives. You can do the same and make it a little story! I’m often talking about my crazy cats, or near death experiences in traffic. I love Nate Bargatze, but any comedian will do.
Next: pick a celebrity that you love that you think is interesting and fun. Find some interviews with that celeb and watch a few. (They often tell repeat stories but it’s still fun and informative to watch.) On the second run-through of the same interview, pay special attention to HOW they deliver their info. The tone of their voice, the body language, the gestures, how they laugh/smile. How OFTEN they laugh/smile. Imitate some of the bits you especially liked. Take it over the top. Have fun with it. Pretend that you’re a celebrity.
Okay step 3. Becoming more fun/playful TO YOURSELF. This exercise is done at home. The purpose is to give your mannerisms and voice more social energy. More fun. More vibrancy. You start by narrating your mundane daily activities AS IF you were a sports announcer on TV. Do it with passion, with fun, take it over the top. “She’s brushing her TEETH now, wondering what TOOTHPASTE she’ll choose, her DENTIST would be LOVING THIS!” etc. You do this for a bit at selected times of the day, maybe morning routine, or in the car, or when you’re out walking, or anything you to at home.
And you exaggerate it, and add in some fun cheerleader type body language. The idea is to get you used to the sound of your own voice being a little ‘out there,’ bringing some fun enthusiasm, being over the top and silly. (Plus as an bonus it’ll help improve your mood each time you do this.)
Practice stuff like this at home until it starts feeling like a part of your persona. Think of yourself as the fun one, the Playful Person that ANYONE would want as part of their group.
Then practice having a new, more enthusiastic fun and PLAYFUL persona to strangers, people you bump into during your day. Store cashiers, teachers/professors, random service people. If you tease someone, tease them about something NICE, not something mean. Etc.
It’s really true that practice makes perfect, but in this case Practice Makes PLAYFUL.
Good luck!