I have no trouble getting dates, but they never become a relationship

29 comments

1. super common these days. the good looking guys are always seeing multiple women and are very difficult to nail down. advice is to keep plugging away until you find a guy that will commit. you may have to lower your looks standard a bit.

2. My advice is just walk away from those who doesn’t have the same goals as you do. And he is also talking to other girls which already means that his options are open still and you are not that special for him. If he really cares , he will come around , if not. You can try more fishes in the sea(a saying in my country 😆)

3. >so I thought i would ask him what his intentions are with me/if he wants a LTR.

   Awkwardly put imo. You want to know if he is seeking a LTR, not if he wants one with you right now (which is how your question likely came across).

   And, you’re skipping a step. *Have the exclusivity talk, first.* Once he’s been dating you exclusively for awhile (1-3 months?), *then* is the time to bring up whether/when he’ll be ready for a LTR.

4. > I thought i would ask him what his intentions are with me/if he wants a LTR.

   you should be asking this in your first conversation with someone if you are serious about it.

5. Going to guess you’re matching with decent guys with lots of options. We’re currently living in an age where marriage and (by extension) LTRs are extremely risky for men so guys with options are reticent to settle down

   It’s not necessarily anything to do with you, he’s probably just hesitant

   That said stick to your guns, demanding decency and commitment before sleeping with someone should be the bare minimum

6. “So I told him i don’t have sex unless I’m in a relationship”

   This won’t get you any guy into a serious committed relationship… say you go on 20 dates then become exclusive and then when you do have sex you’re not compatible or have any sexual chemistry in the bedroom – what then?

   I’m not condoning those “hit it and then quit it” type of guys, but many men want to see if intimacy is there from the off, and not weeks or months down the line potentially wasted if there isn’t.

7. It’s an awkward talk at 3 dates. Yes I’m looking for a ltr, but at the same time they barely know you and if they are multi dating might not want to put all their eggs in that basket so early, especially if they have others lined up.

8. I am with OP, probably I am not a western person, but somehow I really don’t get it, here in my country, rarely a boy will asks a girl for sex just after few dates, i know the dating cultures differences here but frankly speaking, dating is all about finding the person, and he surely doesn’t really look for what he said online, brought up sex to a girl is always kinda a red flag for me unless the girl is also up for it. If not then I think OP should follow your heart. Feels what is right, and it’s not wrong at all to have sex in a relationship, here some have sex after marriage. Here dating is still quite traditional way. Rarely some players like to play. Hope it serves you~ OP.

9. If it’s not a hell yes, its a no. Don’t waste any more time and move on.

10. He sounds like he’s an emotionally unavailable player. Run, fast.

11. > He said he’s open to a LTR but isn’t sure what he wants. I asked if he’s seeing other girls and he said yes he’s talking to other girls. I asked if he sees forming a LTR with me and he says he isn’t sure yet.

    3 dates isn’t really enough to know this. It might be enough to go exclusive but you’re basically asking, do you want to be with me 3 years from now? Who knows.

12. Where did you two meet?

13. Sex has become such a casual thing that people do it now almost as just a pastime. Like “you’re decent looking and I don’t hate you so…..I guess we’re supposed to have sex now??” People that see sex as something that should be done between two people that genuinely care for each other are becoming more and more rare. Like I had a woman tell me she’s not into kissing as much because that’s something that you do with someone you actually love, and some guys just have good D but she doesn’t really care for them like that. I said why don’t you just fuck with guys that you genuinely care for so you don’t feel like you have to hold back on the love and affection? No response

14. Lots of people say they want a LTR when all they in fact want is a hookup. Saying they want a LTR is a way to get you in. That said, if someone went to your level of questioning on date 3, I’d find it a bit off putting too (I’m F)

15. I have my 3rd date in about as many weeks with a woman I met on Hinge. I would be over the moon if she just came right out and asked if k was looking for a LTR.

    I mean, it does say I’m looking for monogamy in my profile. But my point is a lot of guys love when women are this forward.

    Just walk away from this but keep the forwardness. You will get someone.

    But I’m having the same problem 😅

16. Don’t go to a man’s home if you don’t want sex. You don’t want their subconscious mind to put you in the easy/casual only category. 7h+ date are also way too long.
    Remember, dating is casual until it’s not. So if you want a relationship, you should be casual with the door open for more. That means you can see multiple people as well; you are honest and emotionally available; and you don’t do anything you only plan to do until commitment has been discussed, agreed, and acted.

17. So he’s pushing for sex on the 3rd date then when you ask if he’s seeing others he’s “talking to others” is he also having sex with others?

18. >So I told him i don’t have sex unless I’m in a relationship and the guy I’m seeing isn’t seeing other girls

    Has this always been your policy, and strictly followed, or is this a *new* rule in your late twenties?

19. How can you know you’re fully compatible before having sex? So you’d want to be in a long term relationship before having sex.. what if the sex is terrible and you have no connection and chemistry etc then what?

20. You are a unicorn these days to want that, you are the kind of woman I am looking for and I can’t find many of you at all.

    Where do you look for men?

    ​

    Anyway if after 3 dates and wanting to have sex can’t commit then he’s seeing someone else or be interested in you just for sex.

    it’s a classical trope, especially on dating apps, there is a minority of men that like you have access to dates, have access with plenty of opportunities for sex and they take them.

    I don’t think you can be the problem in this case at all because if he wasn’t serious about your chemistry he wouldn’t have asked to have sex.

    the fact that he didn’t reply confirms this.

    Learn to avoid those men, this bad experience will be very useful. Good luck

21. Here is a harsh reality.

    If you want to only have sex within a committed relationship (great!) you’ll probably be having this conversation more than you would like. But thats fine. Hold true to yourself, this awkward feels a lot better than hooking up and feeling bad about it.

    You have to be firm…. there are people who live for pushing boundaries.

    I’m in my 40s – trust me, nothing has changed. Its always been this way.

22. Its pretty simple really. The guys you are applying for as LTR prospects are out of your league for a LTR. You are being put in the friends zone (the male equivalent to a female friend zone but for smashing only). If you want a LTR, show the guy how useful you can be in his life. As a woman, you have to offer more utility in a relationship after you have had sex with a guy in order to get the guy to stick around and value you. Otherwise, you will be looked at like just another piece of ass. Best of luck.

23. If you asked him if he is looking for a LTR and he said he is not sure, you have to decide if you want to date someone who is seeing other girls and not sure if he wants a long term relationship.

    In terms of redeeming the situation, if he has gone cold after that interaction, that might be confirmation enough to you that he is not ready for a LTR. If you feel you want to try to have a relationship with him (LT or ST) you have to be able to live with the fact that he is unsure. Which is fine. But it’s really up to you with what you can tolerate. There is no problem with still trying to peruse this guy, but be prepared for the outcome that he does not end up being long term with you since he has shown his flag around this, which you can ascribe the color red.

24. You’re attracting and attracted to guys who don’t want commitment.

    You can change it. Ain’t gonna happen without effort, filtering, and romanticizing/sexualizing a different set of qualities in the men you look at.

    There are millions of men who want LTR, and are ready for it. Ask yourself why they’re invisible to you.

25. I set up boundaries clearly before the date and have no issues being assertive, stating my boundaries. I also don’t usually sleep with someone until we are a bit more serious.

26. I believe OP played it right. I look for woman who only have sex in a committed relationship. Of course if it is offered, I will take a ONS but will never get involved emotionally with her.

27. The dude is not worth it, move on. Don’t chase, don’t ask “but what if”.

    If a person is looking for an LTR and likes you a lot, he’d just go for it and not be like “I need to think more about it”, that’s not rocket science.

    It’s not like you were asking him to get married or get a mortgage together. Even when starting dating exclusively you can walk away whenever due to whatever reason, it’s really that simple.

28. Guys like that are waiting to fall into a relationship where they mull around because it’s comfy. Can’t have an LTR with someone who doesn’t know what they want.

29. Yes I am