I’m 23F and my 30M fiance doesn’t want to have sex with me

34 comments

1. If he is watching a lot of porn, he could act like this.

   A doctor visit could be helpful yes, but not if he won’t go.

   Don’t proceed with the marriage unless this gets fixed.

2. Is he gay?

3. Do not get married until you sort this out. I would even give him an ultimatum that he confronts whatever it is that’s getting to him about this or you cannot marry him. This isn’t low libido, this is something deeply troubling him. We’d only be guessing what it is, it could be anything – medical problem, infidelity, sexual orientation, honestly its anyone’s guess. He needs to either seek therapy or open up to you about this so he can get the help he clearly needs.

4. Whoa.. a lot to unpack here..

   Could he be gay? He’s pretty jumpy just for being “tired”…

   Do you know what his porn habits are like?

5. He’s Gay…..

6. Another vote for gay

7. Something definitely isn’t right. It sounds some part of him wants to have a life where he’s married to a woman and has children or he thinks he should want that. Do not marry him and please make sure you have a place to go that’s safe and have your financials in order. I’m not sure if he’s gay, has a porn addiction, a medical condition he is too stubborn to deal with , a past history of trauma , or he’s cheating . You cannot continue with this relationship the way it’s going. He needs to be honest about what’s going on and take steps to fix it or you need to move on.

8. I also have this theory that he is scared and that this is too much for him. Before we got together he never had stability in relationship. He was the type that will use girl only for sex and that is it. His longest relationship was few months. And he got used to life of a fuckboy who spend a lot of money, goes out a lot and things like that. And now he realizes that he is getting in his 30s. All of his friends are married with kids. And I feel like he thinks there is some pressure on him to settle down. And I also told him that I don’t want him to think that he HAS TO GET MARRIED TO ME OR THAT HE HAS TO HAVE KIDS. That is choice. But he keeps saying like yea yea I want it let’s do it. So idk I feel like he is in some life crisis. Idk how to explain it.

9. gay

10. These woman really need to stop getting with these older men, tired of seeing the same situation play out over and over again online and in real life

11. >When I wanted to talk to him about it **he always says then when he wants to have sex I’m** sleeping or “**not looking very sexy**”.

    ​

    Dude’s probably gay or asexual but this also makes him an absolute asshole.

12. OP I agree with others, it sounds like he’s gay but is trying to pretend he isn’t for whatever reason. Is his family of origin homophobic?

13. I’m getting prepared to be downvoted to hell for this comment. It is just my opinion as a guy….. and also, IN NO WAY what I’m going to say should be taken as a shot at you, or that it’s your fault at all….

    Perhaps he doesn’t find you attractive. Maybe he loves the idea of a nice, quiet life with someone just like you where he and his family can be involved with all of his friends and their families and have that Pleasentville sort of life story. Maybe he is using you to achieve that but is just not sexually aroused by you at all any more. If that’s the case he is incredibly toxic and you need to leave. I don’t know how you go about finding any of this out though. I’m sorry. 😪

    I wanted to share this opinion because every other comment on here is “gay” and I wanted to share a different train of thought.

14. >if I moan he gets mad bcs it’s “deconcentrating to him”.

    He’s not having sex *with* you then, he’s using you to get himself off.

    I don’t recommend getting married to a man like that.

15. I thought of that too. That he doesn’t find me attractive. But then again since we got together I haven’t changed at all. And it’s so strange to me bcs (and I don’t want to brag or anything) but I really have nice body. And I have men and women always complimenting me. And I know that I’m beautiful and smart and good. So I don’t understand how everyone else thinks that but he myb not.

16. I think he might be gay/asexual. Or just tried of looking for someone that he’s into and just trying to settle with you.
    Definitely don’t marry him before sorting this out.

17. I was in a very similar situation. Boyfriend completely disinterested in sex and refused to tell me why. I was with this idiot for like 4 years because I just kept telling myself I could figure out what the problem was and fix it. It destroyed my self esteem, I was miserable all of the time. Turns out he was sexting some other girl begging her to have sex with him, when I was literally right there.

    My advice? Tell him he has to be honest with you or you’re breaking up. There’s obviously SOMETHING going on that he’s not telling you.

18. Maybe he realizes the age gap is going to lead to a bad relationship.

19. I don’t buy the gay thing. It could be many other things.

    You say he’s really kind and you will live him no matter what. He doesn’t seem to be that kind. He doesn’t engage in anything to make your relationship better, he’s avoidant.

    He masturbates at work but doesn’t have sex with you? He’s blaming you (not sexy enough) for that or says he’s tired? Bunch of excuses to not have sex. So he doesn’t miss it? What is he willing to do to solve the problem?

    Is there someone else? Does he feel bad about some erectile dysfunction? Is he depressed? Does he still have feelings for you?

    You can’t be the only one working in fixing the problem.

20. You’re too young to be dealing with this. I would break up with him and find a more suitable partner.

21. You’re not the problem. And, you’re 23. Run. No need to saddle yourself with this at your age. And by “this”, I mean his aversion to discussing an important topic and the way his dismisses and blames you. ED is a problem that can be fixed. Someone who won’t communicate and instead blames you, is not a life partner you want.

22. I’m sorry OP, something is wrong with your partner. Please do not get married with this person until he resolve his issues.

23. Another vote for gay. Gay or straight he sounds emotionally abusive. He blames you cause he’ll be in the mood but then you don’t look sexy enough? What?? Anyone I’ve ever had sex with consistently is just as eager when I’m glammed up and when I’m in an old t shirt with unbrushed hair. Getting angry when you want to talk about it is also f*cked up. You’re supposed to be married to this person and you don’t get to talk about sex? Run. This is not going to get better if he’s not open to talking.

24. DO NOT MARRY HIM!!! Seriously, break up right now.

    Ignore his words. Ignore his amazing he is in every other way. This man is NOT sexually attracted to you and does not like sex with you. This will destroy your self esteem.

    Visit the HLCOMMUNITY sub and read about your future. It’s misery.

    My husband swore up and down I was so sexy, and that he loved sex with me. But it was a dead bedroom from day one, for over 20 years. Constant rejection and even shaming me if I initiated too much. I cried all the time. Did terrible things to cope and distract myself. I finally left, but I wish i had not wasted so much time. I will never get that back.

    He was and still is a very good man. But I needed a lover. Not a friend and roommate.

25. I hope this doesn’t sound mean, but it sounds like he’s not attracted to you. Maybe he’s attracted guys, asexual or fetish porn. He needs to come clean or you need to leave. Something is wrong.

26. He hooked up with someone else. He is forcing himself to have sex with you. You’re not his person. Marriage is off the table.

27. ‘deconcentrating’?!?

    Ok, so he sees sex as work, not pleasure.

    Ma’am, dump this guy and get as far away as you can. Dude sounds like he’s not actually into women.

28. Break up. something that you don’t want to deal with is going on with him. You should always be there for your partners but clearly he doesn’t want your help. If he’s not going to seek help but still take things out on you and not changing you will be very unhappy for a long time.

29. Either ED he’s embarrassed about or gay. That’s not how someone who is getting it somewhere else acts.

30. My first instinct is closet gay and in denial

31. I am going to be honest here. Just pack your stuff and leave . This will be the sort of sex life you have with him until one of you breaks and leaves. You are so young. There are PLENTY of guys out there who also have sweet qualities and want to have sex.

    And how will he father kids if he can only do it once a month?! Cut your losses and break up amicably before bitterness and resentment start making you hate him.

32. Dated a guy like this…closeted is my likely guess. Mine’s words did not match his actions and it was so frustrating. So I checked his computer and found gay porn. Not the best route, but it helped me with his gaslighting.

33. My man fucked me while I was bald and in chemo so I’m not sure what your fiancé’s malfunction is.

34. >And then last night again he comes to bed and I start to touch him and kiss him and he gets on top of me and we have sex but for about 20sec and then he starts shouting “I can’t do it I can’t do it ” and jumps away from me and leaves. And I am left in bed confused whit tears in my eyes.

    Either this gets discussed (in a clinical setting if that’s what it takes) or you break up. I just can’t see your relationship surviving the unanswered question of what the hell was going on here. It might not survive that question’s answer either.

    Regardless of what your fiancé is going through – he’s clearly going through *something* – you do not deserve to be treated like this.