I \(white\) am in an interracial relationship with a black woman. Her father \(also black\) is a very kind man \(very glad about that lol, as he is a cop and could make things difficult for me if he wanted, like Lakeview Terrace\) but he has told me he is glad she is not dating a black guy.
I am a dentist and we were in the living room the other day. He turns to me and says ‘I’m glad someone in your profession is dating my daughter, someone with a future, not a damn n\-\-\-\-\-“.
I will admit I laughed \(ashamed of doing so\) when he said that as it was so surprising. However, some of the other things he told me were pretty disturbing and creeped me out a little bit.
He said that some of the black criminals he has encountered during his time make him despair for the black community. And that ‘like idiots they always resist and then have to be taught a lesson’.
It is not my place to go and play hero so I am not going to pull him up on any of this. My concern is predominately my girlfriend’s welfare and anyway I can secure this, I will.
Just wanted to get the advice of anyone in this thread and see if anyone had any thoughts?
TL;DR My girlfriend and her father are both black but he seems to resent black people a lot. My view is that I don’t have the experiences he has so I am not going to pull him up on this so to speak.
Edit: He is not trying to trap me into saying something racist as my girlfriend has said he has always had those attitudes.
12 comments
I think you ought to put the brakes on what he’s saying, but gently.
Just say you don’t entirely agree with him and that he seems to be a bit harsh on black guys in general, who haven’t necessarily had the cards in life that you have been handed.
There is a possibility he’s giving you enough rope to hang yourself with.
Black guy here. Tell him you don’t like his views and would rather he keep them to his self when around you.
Do you really what to be around him all the time with him making you feel uncomfortable. He’s also a god damn coward turning on his own people. But that’s his choice. Do me a solid for the black community will you if you’re really a stand up guy.
Record him speaking this outlandish stuff he says. Like black men having to be taught a lesson. If things fall out between you and him or the girl and you hate his ass upload that shit on World star or forward to a news outlet. I can’t stand racists but nothing’s worse than a black man racist to his own kind.
It seems like he doesn’t resent black people as a whole, but the black people that are committing crimes and giving a bad reputation to the good black people.
I don’t see the problem. It’s not your job to defend any class of people, or give a black man a lecture or try to change him on his views on his fellow black people. Just politely nod, and ignore the statement like lots of people do with parents. If your “concern is predominately” your girlfriend’s welfare, you’ll try to get along with her father the best you can.
Tell him ‘Amen brother!’
Self hating black men are the worst kind of black men. They are the types that destroy their own community when they could be empowering it for the better. He sounds like an absolute weak coward. Disgusting.
As a black woman I’m telling you A LOT of black men are like this. It has to do with self hate and envy from a young age. These are the same men that will talk down to black women, and then shun her for finding love outside of their race.
Either they get over it and focus on themselves and be the change they want to see, or they turn close minded and their bitterness of the circumstances they are in defines them.
From me to you, that’s a red flag for your relationship. One, the daughter could subconsciously have some ideas about it too. And Heaven forbid you have kids and the father shoves that self hate down their throats.
Basically, he’s butt hurt and projecting. Nobody talked sense into him and it’s festered. The BEST way to combat that is for everything negative he says, say something positive. It’s going to be like a bullet to his ego that a white man has better things to say about his race than he does.
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. In his own weird way he was trying to congratulate you on having your head on straight, and dating his daughter. Especially because most men in your position aren’t always interested in dating black women (I would know). That being said just see if it continues and if it bothers you then I’d mention it to your girlfriend. She’s black, so she’s going to be able to translate a few things that you may be concerned about.
I’ve encountered that kind of self-hatred among people of my race before too— often if you grow up being bullied for being “too [insert race]”, you start to internalize negativities about your ethnicity and want to distance yourself from it. I can imagine it’s hard for him to reconcile this as a cop if he’s working in an area that’s got a lot of crime coming from an inner-city black population. When older people have had racism ingrained into their mentality over the course of decades, it’s near impossible to get them to change their minds. But you don’t have to just tacitly support his comments, either.
This is going to require some delicacy if you do decide to say something. You can advocate for what you know to be right without getting enmeshed in a massive argument if you do it carefully. I think you should feel free to stick up for your morals; what he’s said, at the end of the day, is racist and it’s very reasonable for you to feel uncomfortable with him using slurs like that in an intentionally derogatory way. You don’t need to make a big ordeal out of the situation, but just calmly let him know you don’t share his opinion. Maybe suggest that he try to be more open-minded to the struggles people face when they weren’t born with certain advantages in life. And I’m sure you know successful, intelligent black people as well— tell him that too. It’s not fair for him to make such a hateful generalization.
I’d feel very uncomfortable dating someone who expressed hateful views about any race even if they were a member of that race. That’d be something that contradicts the fundamental values I was raised with, and might be the same for you. Not sure to what extent your girlfriend is on the same page with her dad, but if she seems to agree, it’s worth thinking about whether or not you’re willing to accept someone with such a mentality.
This isn’t so much a race issue as one of boundaries. It’s disrespectful to curse or use racial epithets, even if they are not directed towards you. Your girlfriend’s family should have some regard when you’re putting in the effort to spend time with them and keep her happy. My husband and I are not black but I still find it offensive when his father says the n- word.
oof i think you guys need to have a serious talk about her dad’s opinions and decide how to handle it together. it might be that he’s the type of person who just wont change, but it’s probably worth getting on the same page with her at least.
I don’t know if I can leave a link here, but here…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f3PJF0YE-x4
If it doesn’t show up, look up…Chris Rock’s Black people Vs. Niggas. This might give you some sort of insight as to what he is referring to. You are also white and can’t possibly understand what its like to be black…PERIOD. If you try to protect your girlfriend’s ‘welfare’ from her father…you will lose. And even if you argued his views, this wouldn’t make you a hero. This would make you a fool for not understanding his side. Doesn’t mean you need to agree. But he comes from a different world than you will ever understand.