This is a rant…no advice wanted.
TLDR: called cops cause wife threatened suicide. Now I’m thinking my marriage may be over.
Last night my wife got into a screaming match with my youngest and her middle child. My middle child called me to come home to restore peace. While in the phone with me, wife started screaming at him the. Snatched his phone away and hung up on me.
I got home 15 min later and the house was quiet. I came in and didn’t say a word to anyone, took the dogs outside and got some water and went up to my room. Wife followed me upstairs and asked if I was mad at her. I asked why I should be mad at her. She then explained why she was yelling, etc. I told her that she’s the adult and when the kids are in chaos that her job is to reign it in not to add to it by screaming. She has to control her emotions so that we can teach the same to the kids.
She sits down crying and my ex-wife’s husband calls (I answer on speaker) and he asks if everything is okay because my son called him about what was going on. My wife flipped out and tried to snatch my phone away from me to hang up on him. I didn’t allow that and I told her to get out of the house. To go out the front door and take a walk to calm down and get herself back under control.
Instead she got up, said “I might as well kill myself so everyone will be better off”….now she’s said this before in fights to manipulate the situation but this time felt different so I responded that she had two options 1) get in the car and I take her to the hospital or 2) I call 911 and get her transported to the hospital.
She chose the hard way thinking I was bluffing. I called the cops and they came and transported her. The hospital refused to admit her and referred her to an intensive outpatient program. We went home and she spent the night throwing up. She went to the intake appointment and was admitted to the IOP. When she came home she threw the paper at me and said “are you happy?”
Truth is, I wish they had admitted her last night. She has depression/anxiety that has been spiraling out of control and she has refused to seek treatment from a therapist. She has a psychiatrist, but she doesn’t properly take her meds. She has emotional disregulation and regularly just snaps at the smallest of things. I’m just exhausted by it all.
I love her and can’t stand her at the same time. Part of me hopes that this drives her to file for divorce and part of me hopes that it kicks her in the ass and wakes her up to the importance of taking care of her mental health.
14 comments
A transport would kick me in the ass for sure.
I really hope the IOP makes a difference for her and for your family. Find out if marriage/family therapy can be a part of her treatment there. You did the right thing.
Why can’t you file for divorce?
FWIW, I witnessed this as the kid a few times throughout my childhood… they ended up divorcing when I turned 18 and everyone would have been so much better off if my dad had bit the bullet a decade earlier
You need to file for divorce. She knows what needs to be done for her health and the health of the family and she’s not doing it. Not regularly taking psychiatric medication is worse than not taking it at all; the biochemical swings it can induce are horrific.
Take the kids somewhere they can be safe, come home, and call it quits.
I hope she takes this opportunity to save herself and the precious relationships in her life. My mom was like this and we did Family therapy too. It was so hard to understand why she did those things as a kid.
Cops are pretty much the worst people to call.
So, before I write this statement, I am in a much better place and truly feel like a whole different person and can actually enjoy life and genuinely be happy. I was an extremely depressive and anxious child, teen, and it even went into my adult years. I was an inpatient multiple times, and did IOP numerous times as well, along with being on medication. It took me until I was about 26-27 to realize I don’t like how I feel, I don’t like my behavior, I want my kids to remember me being loving, fun and most importantly HAPPY. I realized ultimately I’m in control of my own emotions, no one else. And, me wanting that for myself was literally the only thing that changed my life. Not my significant others, not my parents nor even my children. Looking back, I’m like damn because I was really off the wall. But moral of the story is, if she’s not willing to accept that she needs help, and willing to do the work to better herself, you’re going to just stay in this vicious cycle with her and you have children involved so you really need to take a hard look at whether this is a healthy/stable environment for them (which it doesn’t sound like it). You can’t save her, but you can save the kids.
Unfortunately, everyone here is trying to communicate with you about their frustrations. Nobody has the ability to force another person to make any decisions that they aren’t willing to make, already for themselves. You can only make your own personal choices to either continue, or maybe just try something else.
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles with your spouse. It’s definitely agreed that your spouse/wife needs help. I really appreciate that you are asking for help with your family, but this is above Reddit group’s pay grade. You have managed to create a sad cross ❌ post that is mainly about your marriage, but also dabbles into the whole world of parenting.
>My wife flipped out and tried to snatch my phone away from me to hang up on him.
>Snatched his phone away and hung up on me.
This is her getting physical and a sign of escalation. This is absolutely not good.
>She has a psychiatrist, but she doesn’t properly take her meds. She has emotional disregulation and regularly just snaps at the smallest of things
Although her psychiatrist cannot discuss her care with you. You can reach out to them and tell them about her behavior and the situation at home. Let them know because if they don’t know they can’t help. They can listen but cannot discuss anything with you.
>Part of me hopes that this drives her to file for divorce
This sentence shows you are part of the problem. You know she isn’t compliant and her current treatment isn’t working. You keep putting your head in the sand hoping she is miserable enough to pull the trigger instead of YOU being the responsible one and doing it.
If the situation is bad where you are considering divorce then YOU don’t need to wait until she walks away. You do it.
Sit down with her. Tell her the behavior is untenable and that she needs to get serious help. Make sure she gets help. Be serious and make no excuses. If she doesn’t or being meds compliant then you NEED to protect the kids in the house from this.
Yelling and getting physical is chaos and adversely affects kids development. You may not see it BUT you are keeping them in an unstable and stressful environment that is already affecting them. Prioritize the kids.
This sounds like my mom, who has BPD.
She had often done something similar in my childhood, she convinced herself that my dad was having an affair (he wasn’t) and threatened suicide. She locked herself in a bathroom and cut herself, we got the door open and she smashed me into a mirror and took off. Another time I was 11 and she locked herself in the bedroom with a gun saying she was going to kill herself.
Get out. Take the kids and go. You’re giving them a lifetime of trauma and you don’t even realize it.
Sorry bro, you’re in the wrong here- but that doesn’t mean she was right either.
Your manhood was challenged so you called SOMEONE ELSE- the police because you “weren’t bluffing”
NEVER call the police on your family- most especially your wife.
Now I don’t know all the details, but it most certainly sounds as if both of you called it quits and both played a hand
I called the cops when my mother threatened suicide. My parents were pretty pissed at me. Which makes no fucking sense. But whatever.
She got her meds adjusted and she was better within the month. Good luck OP
Hey man, that sucks. I can relate, my wife similarly struggles with anxiety/depression and I can very easily see myself in your shoes. Thankfully i haven’t actually had to *make* the call before but it’s been close.
Hope she gets the help she deserves and you both get back to enjoying loving each other.