Those who have been in a relationship/marriage for a long time, do you ever have crushes on other people? How do you manage that?

40 comments

  1. Since I’m not blind I absolutely notice other attractive people. But since I’m loyal and have agreed to monogamy I do nothing more than notice.

  2. Yes. I crush on A LOT of women, and my husband lets me have my fun and I even have a GF now! I’m very happy.

  3. I get crushes *constantly*. I feel terrible about it, but I’m just very easily attracted to other people. It’s always sexual attraction and nothing more. I find many people of all genders attractive.

    I feel like I’d be happier in an open relationship but I don’t think it’s worth the risk. So I just white-knuckle it in silence until it goes away.

  4. I don’t really see people that way when I’m with someone. That part of my brain switches off. Even after the relationship is over it takes awhile to warm it back up again.

  5. I’m only attracted to men, but I notice when men are objectively attractive in the same way I notice when women are objectively attractive.

    Any man who gets more than that is just a second glance to confirm that, yes, he does look strangely similar to my partner lol.

  7. My husband and I are happily married, but both definitely have crushes on others because we’re human beings – demi-sexuals and demi-romantics aside, you’re always going to meet other people with whom you have a good connection, or who you find attractive. It’s normal and fine.

    I’ve chosen monogamy, I’ve chosen to commit to one man. So I enjoy my crushes from afar, never act on them, and take the crush energy home to the man I’ve chosen to spend my life with.

  8. I get crushes all the time. All it takes is a tiny bit of kindness from someone, and boom. Crush.

    I just make sure to keep a bit of a wall up. Like I won’t add them on Facebook, won’t message them privately, etc.

  9. Yup. We’re non-monogamous, so if I want to pursue someone else, we just talk about it and set any ground rules that need setting.

  10. I’m in a relationship for almost 15 years. I dont think I ever had a crush on someone.

  11. Yeah, sometimes. I “manage” it by not caring. Finding people attractive isn’t novel, at least not to me; it’s just a thing that happens. Having a crush doesn’t mean I have to act on it or that anything is lacking in my relationship; it just means I have eyes, haha. I’m a bi woman married to a man and have no interest in nonmonogamy, FWIW.

  12. So back when I was married to my ex-wife, I had this. I tried to deny it and push down those feelings.

    Eventually I came to accept I was polyamorous, and that I could never be truly happy always trying to deny those feelings. We ended up divorcing amicably, and now I’m in a much better place in life living openly polyam.

    So, just a possibility, you might wanna check our r/polyamory and see if any of the basic info clicks with you.

  13. Married 25 years, and yes, I’ve felt connected to other men. I’ve even considered a life with someone else. Looking back on my “crushes”, I scoff at my younger, dumber self. This guy cheated on both of his wives. That guy posts outlandish conspiracy theories. So, how could I be attracted to these people?

    I find crushes bubble up when I’m disconnected from my husband, feeling unheard or unvalued. But when I’m open about my needs, my husband consistently shows up. And he is steady. When I miscarried our baby, my husband held me upright while I mourned for months. When I graduated from college, my husband cheered louder than anyone. No, my husband is not perfect, but I’m no cakewalk either. And I’d never sacrifice our friendship for a crush. Every situation is different, but this is my experience.

  14. No. In order for me to have a crush on someone I have to be emotionally and physically attracted to them on a personal level. I never get that close to another man in that way, bc I respect my relationship.

  15. I do, I’d say he does aswell. We joke about having a flirt with other people. As long as you know you are only committed to each other it’s ok to laugh about it. I fully trust my partner and I know he does me but we do have a laugh about it. However I know that isn’t always the way with other relationships that never would have happened with my past relationships and a lot of people think it’s mad that we do this

  16. Don’t feel guilty over your feelings if you have crushes. Instead, know that your heart doesn’t rule you and all that matters is your actions. If you want to keep your relationship, then keep it and your spouse happy and healthy.

  17. Its not necessarily a crush, but its knowing how far you take it.

    Like obviously you can find other people attractive, just not in a lovey way. If I try to make myself clear

  18. Yea…went to therapy to try and cope. It helped in offering me an unbiased perspective. Luckily that person isn’t in my life anymore, and nothing would ever be worth ruining the great relationship I have with my partner

  19. I get crushes. I remind myself that it’s just my prehistoric brain trying to get some strange and reproduce, neither of which I actually want to do.

    I limit contact with my crush. I also increase contact with my husband, so I remember how fun it is to be committed to him.

  20. Here and there I get a crush. It’s like a fun distraction but its always almost laughably superficial. They usually come up when I’m avoiding thinking about stress that’s occurring in my life.

  22. Of course, it’s usually through work, I’ll meet an amazingly handsome (and sometimes the personality to match) man.
    I’m usually very friendly and just enjoy the conversation and getting to know them like most other humans. my imagination can run away (usually while getting off) but I love my husband.

    I just use my common sense, if the attraction is too high where I feel if they did something to show they wanted me and I’d jump them, I separate myself and ignore them more, I also try to amp up date nights with my partner. So basically just keeping the distance the crush will eventually wear off, when you put life in perspective. It always does.

    Random internet crushes (like a super hot man like Danny jones or the guy that plays super man) I just use them for inspiration on occasion before I go to bed.

  23. i like to believe that what we consider “attractive” is completely relative. I find many faces attractive most days of my life! to “crush” on someone, i really have to know them. the more you know someone, the more attractive they become in your eyes.

    seeing an ex whom you believed to be gorgeous turn to ugly and offputting after the relationship shows how much your perception of someone can change how they look to you. interesting theory!

  24. When I was in long term relationships I never had crushes. I can appreciate attractive people but that’s where it ends.

  25. Not anymore. I did sometimes when I was younger. I’m too old and really have zero interest in any man besides the one I’m married to. And I think it’s fine to have a crush. Just don’t act on it.

  26. I have a new crush every week. Barista is extra nice and gives me non-dairy milk for free? Crush. Cute person reading a book on the bus? Crush.

    Crushes are fun! People are attractive! It is totally fine to have crushes, as long as you don’t act on them. I’m completely monogamous, completely obsessed with my partner, and I have eyeballs.

    If I get a crush on someone close-ish, like a coworker, then I limit contact until it passes. It usually only takes a few weeks before they do something that makes me catch the ick and I get over it.

  27. I mean, I have eyes so yes I know when someone’s attractive. Crushes? Not really. If I think someone might pose an issue, I don’t interact with them long enough to let a crush develop. That said, even when I was single I didn’t develop crushes easily. I find most people annoying and for me personality goes a long way so I don’t have crushes on looks alone.

  28. No, but I never really got crushes. When I was single, I used to notice people who I thought might be a good partner, but not since I actually found a good partner. In saying that, I’m probably demisexual to some degree.

  29. No. Not crushes. I appreciate nice looking people, but having a long term relationship is much better than crush if you both love each other a lot. Crushes are just lust, marriage is worth so much more. In my opinion of course.

  30. my fiance and I are comfortable with each other flirting (nothing crazy). ultimately, we know we are the most compatible for each other and love each other deeply and flirting is fun and harmless. i think the more you tell yourself to absolutely not do something/be attracted to someone/ etc. the more the allure builds just because people like taboo. being open and laughing about this stuff makes it harmless and just an aspect of being human.

  31. Been together 9 years. Haven’t experienced a crush once since we got together. Well except in him. I crush on him every single day.

  33. Sure, but they were never anyone I’d actually have a relationship with, like celebrities lol. And in my current relationship I’ve only had crushes on women, never a man besides my boyfriend (obviously I’m bi). But I’m too shy to actually talk to any woman I find attractive lol.

  35. I get crushes all the time. I fantasize about them, masterbate thinking about them, remind myself how incredibly wonderful my LTP is and move on. it goes away eventually

  36. Yea I get crushes from time to time. It usually goes away after a few weeks.

    Otherwise I just throw that energy into my marriage so I can forget about my crush.

    It happens, it’s fine as long as you don’t act on it.

    Sometimes we even get crushes on the same person and joke about it lol. Like a character on a TV show or something.

  37. I feel my feelings and acknowledge their force and legitimacy (some people are just wonderful!). However, there are two things that I want in my relationship, to be a person of integrity and to see my husband happy and well. Both of those things would be destroyed by pursuing a crush. So I set good boundaries and remind myself that crushes pass.

  38. I think it’s normal to be attracted or to have a crush on other people. It’s only a problem when you act on it.

  39. Nope. My husband and I are far from perfect. Ten years together, I dislike him most days honestly. But the day we started dating I never had any interest in anyone else. Which shocked me bc I’ve been in other relationships where I was head over heels in love and still had my eye on others. Prob bc I knew my boyfriend at the time was doing the same.

    For what it’s worth, I’m in the thick of motherhood now. Two little kids with one on the way. I never even look in the mirror anymore. Flirting or romantic interests could not be farther from my mind.

    Though when random men hit on me it does give me a little confidence boost! But my eye doesn’t stray any farther than that

  40. Yup. Definitely. We used to share them with each other. Remember, crushes dont last long but love does.

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