So ive had this problem for a while now, As in years. I (M28) and my partner F(27) have a son (4) and since our son has been born we have had sex a total of 5 times. First 3 times was in the first year after he was born, and then progressively longer and longer between. Its been over 12 months at this point.
After our son was born, sex has only ever been an option when she is drunk. Its demoraliseing and makes me feel like theres no point anymore. I have discussed this issue with her many times, but it always ends with it being my fault. The problem is that its a vicious cycle of our love languages being different. Mine is touch, not just sex but hugs and cuddles. Most important to me is being physically intimate with her. However her language is time spent together, this wasnt an issue before. But with the arrival of our son, ive had to work far longer hours and i hardly have any spare time at home. What little time i do have is spent with my son.
The cycle is that she doesnt feel emotionally close to me, so cant be in the mood for sex. Lack of sex makes me feel very unwanted and that im just a wallet. So i dont feel like trying to spend time with her. And so the cycle goes round and round.
I know how to fix this, but i just cant. We cannot survive without all the overtime i do, she doesnt work so its just my income. I try to spend as much time as i can with my family, but working 14hrs a day 5 days a week leaves me so tired that all i want to do is sleep.
I just dont have anyone to be able to talk to about this stuff. I just need to get it off my chest. If anyone has advice id be open to it. But im pretty sure i just need to actually try and spend more time with her, regardless of how tired i am and how i feel unwanted. I have to break the cycle.
TLDR; i work long hours and my partner doesnt feel close to me, but i dont feel like trying because i feel unwanted from the lack of sex.
11 comments
Random suggestion. Spontaneously do a house chore she typically does without her asking or hinting a few times. A few things to take things off her plate mentally.
This isn’t a be all solution, just a tactic to try. Although I did see that you are exhausted.
You already know the solution but say you can’t do it. I would suggest if the issue is important enough then try harder to overcome those problems. Don’t just complain about it because it will get you nowhere and complaining that it isn’t fair is going to get you nowhere. It may be unfair but it’s the way the world operates. Deal with it instead of trying to fight it.
If you make an effort, you maybe will be able to get somewhere. The message you are sending out is, “I can’t be bothered”. It’s self-sabotage.
Sit down and think about you work patterns, think about how you might work around the problem as best you can and think of ways you can at least show willingness. Small gestures can make a difference, the sort that demonstrate that you’re being conscious and considerate.
As for the weekends. I don’t know what you want to do about them, that’s up to you.
The bottom line is you can’t buy willing, positive sex with anyone by working overtime. That may be harsh but it is the truth.
I had a boss once who was an awful cunt and useless to boot. The only thing I ever agreed with him was when he said “Don’t bring me problems, bring me solutions” It’s really a stupid cliche and he was still a cunt.
Make sure she isn’t cheating.
Counseling. Now. I was in the same situation for a lot longer than you and it was foolish not to see a counselor years ago.
Having a baby is hard and everything changes. You can 100% get the spark back but it’s going to take a little effort. Here is a few ideas.
1. If you can’t be with her, CALL her, send her messages. If she’s stuck at home with the kids ask for pictures of them to see what they are up to! Send her a picture of your lunch or anything you do during the day.
2. Do a chore. Something she does everyday, get it done. Take it over and make it your chore.
3. When you are spending time with your child, make sure sure she uses it to take a break. Get her some bath bombs or oil, a puzzle, some nice tea. Whatever she likes to pamper herself.
4. Don’t mention sex. Drop it all together. I get that it’s hard, I really, really do (climbing the walls myself right now haha) but if she is feeling pressured it ruins the mood. If you drop the pressure and do the above, the magic might just happen
5. Counselling. Always helpful.
You need to talk to your wife about working together on this. You are working long hours she is taking care of the child. You both need to remember that hopefully you will be alone together again. If you cannot make time for each other (both of you) you will be stuck in this rut so deep you will have an even harder time getting out of it later. Do what you need to do but also ask her to help. Involve her so she can be part of the solution. Marriage is not 50/50 it is not 100/0 it has to be 100%/100%. Remember you are partners, you serve each other. If you always act like this, you will both be happy and so will your son. From a Dad who screwed it up.
Get used to it, or get out now. It’s painful to hear, but it won’t change.
Those are your only 2 long term options.
Counseling may help, but its expensive. If you have the ability, try that first.
Obviously not the easy solution. But based on my experience i would highly suggest actively looking for comparable work in the same industry. Maybe moving up the ladder at ur company or transferring to another company at a higher position. I know that’s not as easy as it was to type. I had to change jobs because how much time I spent away from the family it was the best decision I ever made. All of my relationships are better. I had to take a cut in pay for an indefinite amount of time. It took a little over 2 years to get the icome back up. It wasn’t always easy. Some bills would be paid late sacrifices were made.. but My family is much closer now as I had hoped. but some other things happened to. We learned to better budget, we learned together how to budget and sacrifice for each other and for the kiddos. I don’t know your situation. And I know the economy is in a fucked up place to be taking big risks. But hope mt experience can help you to decide whats best for your family. Also completely dif train of thought but does your wife feel useless because u pay the bills and she doesn’t work? That always fucked with my wife’s head. And sex def declined in times like that.
Counseling may be the best approach for a few sessions to see if some common ground can be met between you and your partner. If you’re working as hard as you mention, she should take a long and hard look at herself and situation, to see YOURE doing all for your family, she should be able to put effort towards you as well. I’ve been in this situation as well, and it’s not something that is pleasant.
But with you holding up the house’s financial responsibility, it should be something she can do to support you. But, sometimes hearing that from a professional may make her realize, she’s not being helpful in the way you need.
You’ll also need to put effort towards her and her needs. Working those long hours can be demanding, but at the end of the day, you’ve got a duty to your relationship with her as well.
I wish you both the best and hope y’all both find what you seek from each other!
As a mom that had low sex drive when I had my littles: it’s hard. Being home with kids all day is emotionally and physically draining and it never stops, you don’t get to go home and relax you are working 24/7. As a stay at home mom, you tend to be the one the kids always go to for help because you are always there, even when daddy is home. To get out of that zone of always being on is hard.
That being said, my husband and I always tried (and still do) to prioritize our relationship, sometimes over the kids. (I know, I might get some gasps) Here are some tips that we used to connect even tho life was crazy:
1. Some nights, when he worked late, I would go ahead and put the kids to bed, so when he got home it was just us. Did he miss out of seeing his kids once or twice a week, yes…do they remember, no. You know who remembers, me. For some reason, so much emphasis is put on “putting your kids first.” Hey, it’s ok not to put them first sometimes! Because putting you and your wife first is putting your family first…you two are the cornerstone of the family.
2. We got into a habit of also having drinks when he got home. We still do this after over 20 years of marriage and almost 30 years together. They don’t have to be alcoholic, sometimes it’s tea. But when the kids were little (and still up when he got home) he would greet them a play for a little, and then we would shoo them off to watch some tv or play. They knew that this was Mama and Daddy’s time, it’s important for them to know that we need adult time to connect. That meant no interruptions unless there was bleeding 🙂 That would be our time (even if it was 30 min).
3. Have dinner together just you and her if you can. I would always wait and just feed the kiddos first. And then once bath and bedtime were over, we would cook and feed ourselves in the quietness of the kitchen. Family dinners were reserved for Friday nights and weekends, but during the week, we reserved our dinners together.
To be honest, it’s just taking small snippets of time out for the two of you. Enabling her to disconnect to be with you, will in turn make her more approachable to hugs and contact…and then everything else takes care of itself.
Side notes: remember it’s hard, also remember kids don’t remember crap before age 7 or so, putting in the work now will save you later in your marriage, it’s ok to have drunk sex…like seriously, if some days are hard for her and that’s how she can gets in the mood and is able to turn off the world around her – do it…don’t view it as demoralizing (it’s not about you, it’s about pushing all the noise out of her brain so she can be with you), you are expecting to much to be honest. Women’s minds are ALWAYS on and I mean always. Having a kid that young is brutal…you aren’t just a paycheck just like she isn’t just a caretaker…you each are contributing and it’s HARD! Good luck!
Edit: this is a collaboration not just all on you…this are just ways that helped us, you might have different ideas. Talk to her 🙂 and hopefully you both can think of some ways to help each other!
Would she be open to getting a job and then you reducing your work hours?
She could get some time away from the baby and you could get more time home with her so when you are both home you can both help around the house instead of her having to take care of everything. You will have more time to help her if you work less.