I will try to keep this short, so, basically I’ve been in an unofficial relationship with this girl since August 2022. She is an ex-coworker and we met in a mutual friends birthday party after about 7/8 months.
She told me the first week that her parents are overprotective and they don’t let her out much, I thought “well it can’t be that bad” and I like her a lot so we continued talking.
She’s a firefighter so the first few weeks she told her parents that she had service saturday nights but instead came to my house. That happened 2 times, but then her brother told his parents what she was doing, and she got in trouble. After that, I’ve seen her 3 more times in 4 months. We live kinda far out of each other and neither of us have a car so it’s not so easy for us to see each other.
Her mom particularly is the biggest problem for her on that matter, for example, if my GF goes out with her friends or even his brother, the mom would get mad at it and won’t talk to her.
Today she was supposed to come to my house, so I made the preparations, but now (6pm local) she texted me telling me that her mom wouldn’t talk to her because of some little problem they had last night, so she come. I feel sad because I’m really starting to love her and I want to see her so much, but I can’t, and we can’t even talk on the phone most of the time because of her parents again.
Of course it’s not my family, and I don’t know the situation exactly to tell her what to do, and I even if I can, that’s not something I’m supposed to do. But I tried to tell her that she should start taking action about it, because I can’t wrap my head around the fact that they try to control so much her daughter that is not a baby anymore and can make her own decisions and take responsibility for herself.
What can I do? Sometimes I get tired of the situation and want to stop talking to her, but I can’t. It really makes me feel low.
Her moving to her own place its not an option, since she doesn’t make much on her work, and she pays for her studies and phone.
TL;DR: My GF has overprotective parents and they don’t let her out most of the time, I feel bad about it and don’t know what to do.
21 comments
Your gf is still a child. Don’t date children, it’s not ethical.
They let her work a dangerous job but not date? She must be miserable! And her brother sucks
Ah, this isn’t overprotective parents – this is abusive and manipulative parents.
Ignoring someone to make them feel bad and do what you want is both manipulative and abusive. Not giving an adult child reasonable autonomy – controlling (abusive) and manipulative.
This is a hideous situation – but depending on the country and culture, it may be considered “normal”.
What can you do? Not a lot. Either take it day by day until you and your gf have better financial stability and she can move out, or break up.
Your gf is 20 years old but still makes the choice to act and take commands like a child… don’t think you should try working it out with her she still needs to grow up..
She’s 20, she can move out if she wants to.
She’s an adult. She needs to tell her parents butt out of her love life
You see her roughly 3x a month and it is on the down low. What is the end game? Is it to see each other more, get married, etc.? I don’t think anyone can help you here because the problem is on her end. You referenced her studies, so she works and is in college? Maybe when she graduates she can move out? I guess the point is you have to make a decision if it is worth it to live like this for a couple more years, or cut your losses.
Is there an end point to this? Does she expect to be able to afford to move out after she graduates? Do her parents have some specific requirement before they will give her approval to date, or have they simply ruled it out altogether?
My experience is that even really bad relationship conditions (like extreme long distance) are endurable *if you know when they will end*. If there is no end in sight, no plans or goal to work towards? Save yourself the heartache and end it now.
Either you both find a place to move in together or you break up. She needs to get out from under her parents thumb or otherwise choose to spend her life catering to their desires. It’s unfair to her for them to be like that but it’s also unfair to you for her to string you along if she’s never going to stand up for your relationship. You’re in a relationship-it’s absolutely okay for you to expect her to explain their situation and give you a say in the matter. That’s how relationships are supposed to work.
She is still dependent on her parents so not much hope in the situation changing. It is up to you whether the relationship is worth keeping knowing this.
What solutions is she proposing?
It’s sad she’s being manipulated but if she can’t stand up to her mom then she’s not ready for a relationship and you shouldn’t put yourself through that.
This makes no sense.
She’s a firefighter? At 20? And while her parents let her do that (which requires putting her in life threatening situations you only know about when you arrive at the emergency), she’s not allowed to date? Also… A firefighter? Who doesn’t even have their own car?
I’m not buying it. There’s more to this that you aren’t disclosing that would likely factor in, like what country this is because it may very well be a cultural aspect coming into play here.
You either need to help her escape her parents and get her out of their house ASAP or break up with her, because this is clearly a problem that will never, ever get better, only worse.
you have to save her
It’s really up to you. I’m sorry you and your gf are in this predicament.
As someone who’s not a Westerner and have lived a long time in the US, I’ve been in similar situation.
Suuure, I can be totally saying “She’s an adult, she works, she can get out of her parents’ house, immediately. Or make arrangement to live with other people and cut off her parents.”
But even then, there are so many different aspects to consider: cultural, pressure, her financial situation, etc for her to just cut off her parents and leave. It’s not as easy to just leave the nest for many due to different issues/problems and fear of the unknown too.
(ETA: I actually left the nest. It’s not easy, but I did it)
The likelihood is, OP, if you like her, you may have to keep sneaking around for a long time.
And have issue meeting, etc, due to her submitting to her parents’ rules.
If this is a sort of romantic sitcom or a funny movie, you can be that protagonist who went over and won over her parents’ approval so you guys can then date openly. But this is not a movie…so….
Think it over and I’m sure she’d understand if you tell her you can’t keep seeing her like this.
Her situation is miserable – no freedom at 20 y.o.. Sounds like she can’t or won’t break up with the family. You only saw her 5 times. The main thing is to realize it’s not love that you’re feeling, you can’t be in love with someone you’ve seen 5 times in 8 months. She probably has serious issues if she can’t break free of the (probably abusive) family at the age of 20. You probably have financial issues, too, if you don’t have a car at 23, and that makes everything even harder.
This is real life, not Romeo and Juliet. You don’t have to break up with her but realize that you don’t really know this person, and maybe you’ll get to know her at some point in the future – but definitely not while pretty much all your communication is reduced to daily videochats. The person you’re seeing on the screen is not the real person. It’s a reflection of your internal fears and desires, and the real person is going to be different. You’re in love with that reflection right now.
At any rate, realize that she’s very vulnerable and discuss it with her openly.
My mom was like this. I remember being 19 having to ask if I can leave and take my own son with me, to go to his own fathers house. If I were to say I’m going without asking she would threaten to call CPS on me.
Basically it’s the girls choice. She needs to put her foot down and tell her parents she is a grown adult and can do what she wants to do and they can’t tell her no.
Telling her she can’t go is false imprisonment and they can go to jail. They have NO right. Only because two people created you, doesn’t mean they can just control your life until you die.
What you can do is have a talk with her. Explain your feelings, and tell her she is a grown adult and can’t be told what to do.
Dump her, she isn’t ready for a relationship
you’re wasting your time. she is 20 years old. if she can’t stand up to her parents at 20, it’s probably not gonna get better anytime soon
The best solution would be to get her out of that and becoming independent from her parents and family. The best for you and definitely for her. But the problem is of course she had to be on board with that and I hope, even if you two might break up, that she will be able to do that sooner than later.
If you should leave her or not I can’t tell you. It is your choice only and I would understand both. I think if there is no end in sight, yes, for you it would be better to leave her, maybe even for her since it could give her one more reason to get out of there sooner. But that is not really an advice but just from a purely rational point, the thing is that love doesn’t tend to be rational.