The guy I’m dating slept with someone else
I (24F) been dating a guy (26M) for about 6 weeks. We see each other twice a week and stay at each others house alternatively. We’ve been to theme parks and shows together and celebrated xmas and new years together and love hanging out together. We stay up talking all night and sit in the park talking about everything.
We’ve acknowledged over the past few weeks we have feelings for each other and we’re going to continue dating and getting to know each other better.
In my eyes everything was going perfectly. But the other day we were drinking and I was silly enough to ask when the last time he slept with someone was and he said 4 days ago. I immediately left the room and went to “have a cigarette” mostly just wanted to get away cos I was so shocked by this. He followed me out and tried to talk to me/ comfort me because he could tell I was upset. I told him to give me space and leave me alone for a bit and he said “I know you’re upset but we aren’t in a relationship. It wasn’t even in this state and I don’t have feelings for her, I have feelings for you”I said to him I know we aren’t in a relationship but it still hurts. Then I started crying and he still kept trying to comfort me.
I ended up vomiting like 5 mins later and then went back to my house. He called me to make sure I was okay when I got home and I said yeah then went to sleep straight away.
Basically I’m aware we aren’t in a relationship but we’ve talked before about how we aren’t sleeping with anyone else. Not that we won’t in the future but I thought it was obvious from the conversation. Did I misunderstand that conversation? Should I be upset? And how do I talk to him about this? Things have been a little different since then (2 days ago) and he tried to talk to me about it but I kind of dismissed it because I wasn’t sure how to talk about it and what exactly to say.
Help a girl out!!!
26 comments
In your position I would be upset and it would be a deal breaker for me. Not just necessarily because we had been dating for 6 weeks and talked about how we hadn’t been sleeping with other people but also because our ideas about what a relationship is do not align at all.
If he has to be told that you are exclusive at this stage rather than it just being assumed you have completely different mindsets. He may think he is right in his head and get by on a technicality but that is also not someone I would want to be in a relationship with.
I would not consider dating a man like this seriously…
When the relationship begins like this, it usually doesn’t end well. He has already broken your trust and he didn’t even apologise for his actions, he tried to brush it off with excuses. Then he spoke negatively about the other woman saying he didn’t even have feelings for her- therefore, he might be a fuckboi who sleeps with anyone willing and has an impulsive nature.
I would downgrade this man into “fling” category until further notice, if he shows remorse and proves to be trustworthy later then you might elevate him again into relationship status, but I would no longer consider a man like this relationship material and start detaching from him emotionally.
Well this is not good.
The only thing that is positive – is that at least he was honest.
I kind of disagree that you are not in a relationship. The classic if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks like a duck it usually is a duck.
So it is understandable that even though you were not officially in a relationship you had an expectation that you were in a relationship or at least that you were moving towards it. If he was on the line that he was just free to do what he wanted and pursue other women then he should have told you. The problem is also he said that he has feelings for you – but the feelings were not deeper then that he felt it was ok to chase and bed other women.
I think you need to decide what you want to do. The only thing I feel is that at least he was honest. If you want to continue you might have a chance to clarify the expectations to each other and restart your relationship. Overall it sounds like he splits up feelings and sex in two categories that are not interrelated. I am afraid if that continues he could easily cheat on you – even if you went exclusive vs as he does not connect this.
You know the situation – under normal circumstances I would have said break up – but there is a slight chance that he could change his feathers.
Best of all – not fun.
If I’m understanding right, even though you aren’t officially in a relationship, you were exclusive, yes?
I don’t know, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who played these types of games.
Well, by admitting he would stick his dick in anything that was willing, he’s showing you that he isn’t really focused on building something with you OP.
I know there will be wildly varying opinions on this. But I’d be hurt in your shoes. He’s still out there finding some strange after spending what you probably saw as special time together over the holidays. You feel like it’s going somewhere, and then find out he’s finding other partners.
Personally I’d probably duck out of this and find someone else. These games are exhausting.
I’m sorry, he’s just not that into you ☹️
This is absolutely a deal breaker, and I’d walk. You guys talked about exclusivity, he just decided it was vague enough to ignore when it suited him.
If it wasn’t in your state then that’s fine. /s
Well, he sucks and thinks he can get away with it. It’s only 6 wasted weeks, don’t waste more. Next time try and have the exclusivity convo as soon as you want to be exclusive in order to remove any doubt (even though I do think that your current guy is just using this as an excuse).
Deal breaker for me…
Ive seen people doing that, men and women, if You like someone and You are dating that person is fucked up and thrashy to use a technicality to fuck around and saying “well but we arent technically on a relationship” You very well know where the dating is heading to.
People who do that are absolute garbage humans and should stay single, can’t even keep their Dicks in their pants/legs closed when they like someone. The only correct answer to “we werent in a relationship” is “and we Will never be, gtfo”
By saying that he has feelings for you means that he should have taken two seconds to think about having sex with some random. But he didn’t. Or maybe he did and thought that his needs were more important than your feelings and the implications this would have on your relationship. Either way, he’s selfish.
Yuck. “We arent in a relationship” yet you talked about this stuff and both said you arent sleeping with anyone. The dude sucks. If you still want to see him, then stop thinking of it as a “relationship”. He is just a hookup/fwb, thats how he sees you and thats how you should start seeing him too. Go out with other dudes and have sex with other people if you want. Though I wouldn’t recommend seeing him again especially if you have feelings for him. If you do, just dont take it that seriously. This is a red flag to me. Its vert trashy to have sex with other people when seeing someone that he supposedly has feelings for and using the excuse “but we arent exclusive!!” to get away with it. Ew.
This sucks. You aren’t in high school anymore where you ask someone to be official and only then it’s officially a relationship. Those things usually progress naturally and if he was invested in you, he wouldn’t even have thought about having sex with someone else in my opinion. And don’t listen to the people saying YOU should have asked if you were exclusive – he should have asked when thinking about f*cking someone else.
If he was serious about you then he wouldn’t have had sex with someone else. Move on. Also his reasons that she isn’t in the state and there is no feelings is ridiculous.
It would be a deal breaker for me.
If you guys were just fwb then I’d say you should get over it.
But it sounds like you two were actively working your way into a relationship. How can he be putting in his effort to building a relationship with you but still be seeing other women? It makes no sense.
Also if you guys had a conversation about not sleeping with others then in my opinion if he was going to change that it would have warranted another conversation with you so that you could decide if you wanted to continue knowing he’s seeing others.
*the last time he slept with someone was and he said 4 days ago.*
*but we’ve talked before about how we aren’t sleeping with anyone else.*
Which is it?
Also this: *It wasn’t even in this state and I don’t have feelings for her, I have feelings for you.* So it was in another state (is sexual exclusivity jurisdictional?) and he’s good with having sex with people he doesn’t care about? Some people are fine with that. I hope the woman he had sex with is.
It sounds like you have some talks ahead. You might not have been ‘in a relationship’ but if you agreed to keep it sexually exclusive, then…?
Meanwhile it was only six weeks. And get tested.
You can argue about whether he did nothing wrong or if he’s an asshole all you want but in the end everything boils down to the fact that you both disagree in basic relationship values and you need to move on. Don’t dwell on it.
If there’s one thing I’d change about my 20s, it would be just accepting I’m not compatible with the sort of person who feels free to have sex with other people until I file the HR6.9 form specifically asking them not to, rather than trying to find “communicative” ways to solve this problem with people who are strategically making themselves as difficult as possible to communicate with like they’re the goddamn unseelie court. Not only did it not actually deter anyone who was determined to find ways to continue sleeping with other people (they just started loophole-mining the definition of “having sex with other people” or outright ignored the agreement), but it caused quite a lot of confusion with me asking to be sexually exclusive and them interpreting it as “he wants to be officially bf/gf now”.
Even if you accept that it was somehow unclear from the context clues of going to all major occasions together and staying round each other’s houses that you were at least close enough to a couple that sleeping with other people was on shaky ground (which, to be clear, I don’t think you should), relying on “I just said I wasn’t *currently* having sex with other people at that exact moment, not that I would continue to not do so” is downright scummy, especially since it removes informed consent for things like STI risks.
I’d walk away. Too hurtful and too early.
Move on girl.
“I have feelings for you not her” was the grossest thing I’ve ever read, for two reasons. One, he’s okay with using people but in this case specifically women, and two, he would ignore his feelings for you so he could fuck someone else. Big no go in my book.
I feel old fashioned now, because all of those things you did, would automatically mean we are in a relationship (to me at least)
You need to sit his ass down and tell him exactly how he just fucked up. Because I don’t care how he wants to word it… but if hes telling you that he has feelings for you then to me that was headed towards a relationship. And when you’re headed towards being in a relationship with somebody you don’t go out and stick your dick in someone else.
Yea sorry but I’d drop this guy if you’re looking for a relationship. This is the type of dude who will only half ass commit and swing you into a situationship.
Just for funsies I’d tell him you slept with someone last night and see his reaction. But that’s also a little immature and petty 🤭
If you said he slept with someone 4 weeks ago I would be unsure how to feel about it and not sure what would I do in that situation. 4 days however is so recent! I would nope my way out of there if it was me. Such a shock for your and not surprised you are upset
Personally, whenever I was very interested in someone, even if it wasn’t to a relationship level yet, if we discussed how we weren’t sleeping with anyone else, I would be grossed out if the person I was seeing went and slept with someone else. I also would feel like they just weren’t interested or invested. If he had feelings for you and wanted to develop that further, why have sex with someone else? If I knew I was developing feelings, I wouldn’t even be talking to anyone else.
He said he has feelings for you and then he feels it is ok to sleep with someone else. Then using that you aren’t in relationship so it’s ok. Sounds like gaslighting. If it was me I would run. He is already gaslighting you before you are in a relationship. If he had feelings for you he wouldn’t have slept with someone else. His excuses are weak. You deserve better. I wonder how he would feel if you did that to him. I bet he would find issues with it.