Boys were never interested in me, so I decided to go with Tinder when I started uni (Oct 2022). I wasn’t interested in dating, I only wanted to lose my vcard. I met a guy and did it, long story short my mom found out about it and she had a breakdown. She didn’t speak to me for a week, she kept telling me how she has nightmares about men taking advantage of me, kidnapping me, she’s paranoid and I hate it. I had a long talk with her how I knew what I was doing, nobody forced me to do it, I used protection, but it’s been two months and yet still she tells me every Sunday evening “You’re going straight home from uni this week”. Once she even told me to swear on her life that I’m not going on dates. Of course I keep going on dates, there’s a guy I’m particularly into, but I can’t even tell her about him because she will immediately want to meet him and we’re not even dating yet. It’s just sex and she thinks that the boy should meet her and dad before we have sex, but it’s not that serious. I want to be able to visit him without making stupid excuses and feeling guilty, but my mom is too paranoid. She says “you were always a good girl, I don’t know what changed” what changed is that I finally don’t hate myself, I finally stopped being insecure. What should I do? How to tell my parents I have somebody and I want to keep seeing him, but don’t want them to meet him because it’s not that serious and I don’t wanna scare the guy off?
TLDR my mom is toxic and paranoid and I need to have the freedom an average 20 year old deserves
12 comments
You say you’re not a kid but you definitely sound like one.
You don’t need to tell your mom that you’re going on dates. Just do it. If it comes up, tell her you’re dating people. No need to get into specifics.
If she doesn’t like it and threatens to pull you from school, that’s a pretty big overreaction on her part.
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Info; are you living with your mother?
Don’t tell her. That’s it, most people don’t tell their parents about their sex lives. If you’re actually dating and it’s serious is when most people do the meet the parents thing.
I think what I’m reading from the context here is that you’re either still living at home or your parents are covering your living expenses while you’re at uni. Is that correct? If so, I honestly wouldn’t tell her anything. I’d keep making excuses and let her think you’re doing as she said. When you’re fully independent and she can’t interfere with your life, you could come clean if the lying bothers you.
Personally I don’t think it’s a problem to hide your private adult life from your parents, and you wouldn’t have to lie about it if she would respect you as an adult and keep her nose out of your business. I don’t tell my parents who I’m sleeping with, and they don’t ask. It’s none of their business.
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If you don’t want to be treated like a child, stop acting like a child. Stop taking dumb risks for dumb reasons. Also, when you live under your parent’s roof, it’s their rules. Time to move out.
Just don’t tell your parents about your dating/sex life. It’s none of their business. If you meet someone and it gets really serious, then you can think about telling her and introducing him to your parents, but until then, they don’t need to know anything about who you date or fuck.
What? How the heck did your Mom find out you are on Tinder, much less that you lost your virginity?
You don’t tell them. I know that’s hard – especially since you want to have a healthy relationship with your parents/mom. But you can’t.
I was in the same position. My parents were really overbearing and wanted/still want to know my every move. So I tell them little bits, but not the full thing. Or I don’t say anything at all. It seems you don’t want to omit things or maybe they pressure you until you tell them everything.
What I did:
If my parents asked me if I was going on dates, I’d say no.
If I came home late, I was studying – which is true – you’re studying another person/their psychology and anatomy ;p
If pressed into WHAT I was studying – whatever subject I wanted in the moment.
If things ever got heated, I’d leave the house.
As I got older, my favorite phrase became “if we can’t speak like adults, we won’t speak at all”
Your Mom needs to butt out of your sex life. That’s a private matter and she has no business nosing in. Keep her in the dark. She doesn’t need to know anything.
There is one way I have seen before. Do not explain anything to her. If you come back late give her the “zero fucks given” excuse, like oh I lost sense of time and didn;t hear a phone, oh well. Hm, sure next time I won’t do it” {proceeds do it every time without caring about anythng while telling intentionally worst lies every time}. Do not feel guilty do not put effort into yur excuses, the fact that what you tell her isn’t truth and you do not care that she doesn’t believe you is part of the point.