The relationship I (26f) have with my mom is slowly getting worse and it’s making me want to cut her out off my life but I feel guilty.
So basically I was never super close to my mom mostly because she’d verbally express how much she loved my other siblings but when it relationship I (26f) have with my mom is slowly getting worse and it’s making me want to cut her out off my life but I feel guilty. came time to express her love to me she never really did. I’ve always lived my life knowing I wasn’t the child she liked and as I gotten older I realized I was 100% correct.
I will have to say I’m super grateful for the home and the mostly comfortable like she’s given me. However I do think my relationship with my mom started going downhill when I told her about her boyfriend. Her bf moved in with us when I was really little and he basically molested me several times at different times. It all happened when he was either drunk or no one was home. I didn’t fully understand what was going on until I left middle school. I remember one day when he had to take me to my first day of highs school he insisted he couldn’t drive because I wouldn’t kiss him. I kept saying no and even started crying until he took me to school. After that day I never went anywhere with him. Things worked out in a way where we were able to move out and my mom and him separated so he didn’t come with us. I promised myself I’d tell my mom but then I remembered she doesn’t really care not show an interest so idk how she’d react.
Fast forward a few years later and she asked the same man to come back and move in. He did and maybe if I had spoken up he wouldn’t have but tbh he was gone from my life so I tried to hide my trauma under the rug. Well he moved back in and tried to start touching me again. I couldn’t take it and I told my mom after several weeks of not sleeping because I was afraid of him. She didn’t take the news well and accused me of lying, my older sibling made the guy leave immediately but my mom went with him for a few months. That was the biggest betrayal I’ve ever felt. From that day on I looked at her completely different. After a while everyone slowly forgot what happened to me and went on with their lives . But I stayed living in that misery.
Now my mom constantly pokes fun at me and really pushed my buttons, when I get upset I lash out then turn out to be the wrong one. I’ve been home for about 2 years not by choice but mainly because of covid and my depression, I’ve been trying to get a job for some time and I haven’t really left the house much. I was depressed and broke so I didn’t really go outside. My mom for the last few months keeps making fun of me saying how she lives a better life than me and has more fun because she goes everywhere with her bf ( yes the one who molested me, she stayed with him). She doesn’t waste time to call me lame or boring , to compare me to my other family members who have great jobs but yet I’m home and unemployed. When I tell her I don’t know what career I want to do as yet she tells me Ive been gone for so long why don’t I have a decision as yet. She tells me I have no friends or social life and that I’m wasting my life away at home rotting. She doesn’t waste time to show me that she’ll never care I was molested.
And for some reason every single thing she tells me really eats away at me. I don’t care that I don’t have a social life. I don’t care that I don’t have 50 friends, I have 4 close friends who I talk to at least one of them daily. So what if I don’t go do social things do you know how hard it is to even find the will to live and go on with life? My entire childhood was replaced by memories of me being sexually abused, every house I lived in is no longer filled with memories or my siblings growing up but rather of me getting ready for school with a grown man coming into my room trying to force his tongue down my throat. Do you honestly think I could have a normal life after that? I’m so sick and tired of her making me feel like shit, I just want a separate life from everyone but why do I feel guilty even thinking this way.
2 comments
Cut her out of your life. She let a predator into your life and made you feel like you were not important enough to warrant telling her her bf molested you.
That person is your egg donor, but not a mother.
Cut contact. If she acts surprised, let her. You don’t need this kimd of toxicity in your life.
Also I would recommend talking to a therapistabout your trauma so it won’t consume you.
> but why do I feel guilty even thinking this way
Because she is your mother. And no matter how much you hate her on every level, you still yearn for her validation and unconditional love because that’s how children learn to value themselves. And that’s the trauma. Your lack of security, safety and love from your parents has caused for you an unstable sense of self. You feel guilty because you don’t know your worth and think you owe your mother.
But the opposite is true. You need to seek out healthy positive and constructive validation elsewhere to begin shaping your sense of self, away from your mother.