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My sister (29f) got engaged last year and asked me (26f) to be one of her bridesmaids. I had been planning to dye my hair a bright color (standard for me, I have been changing my hair color for about a decade and was growing out my last color when she got engaged).
When she got engaged, she initially said I couldn’t dye my hair until after her wedding, because she didn’t want me to have colored hair at her wedding. I offered to wear a wig, which she staunchly refused because she thought it would look fake/tacky. My family was on her side and backed up that I couldn’t have colored hair at her wedding, and I said I would dye my hair back to my natural color before her wedding.
Wedding is now coming up and a year later, I’m really not feeling comfortable changing my hair for months for one day. There have been several times leading up to the wedding where where my sister has asked/demanded things of me that crossed my own boundaries and I feel strongly about my hair.
I let her know I didn’t feel comfortable changing my hair for the wedding, but that my color was grown out enough that I could pull my hair back and it wouldn’t be visible in pictures. I know that I said I would change my hair, but I explained to her I really didn’t feel like I had a choice at the time.
My sister is furious and has blocked me. I don’t know how to proceed and the wedding is coming up. I don’t feel close to my sister because she hasn’t been very supportive of me for a few years, but I also didn’t expect this reaction from her.
At this point and because of her behavior over the last year I was planning to distance myself from her after the wedding but didn’t think she would notice because she only really talks to me to complain about her life and I figured she’d be absorbed with newlywed stuff for a while. Even though I don’t feel close with her I also don’t want to cause drama/upset at her wedding, but her reaction feels really out of proportion to me.
How do I engage with my sister? Is it worth it to try and talk with her when she doesn’t want to talk to me?
TLDR: Told my sister I didn’t want to dye my hair for her wedding and now she is not speaking to me
35 comments
Is it too late to decline being in the wedding party?
Give her a few days and then approach her again. If she still doesn’t want to talk, tell her you’re dropping out. Then you have at least offered her the chance to come up with solutions to negotiate about. She doesn’t want wigs, so are you allowed as a guest or not at all? Clarify what plans you have to make or if you stay home.
Never quite get why people have to change hair for other people’s weddings. Fun part of wedding pics is to look at what people look like at that moment and 10 years later it can look very aged and hilarious.
Oh, this is so stupid. I’m on your side here — your sister is being petty, you’ve offered reasonable solutions. The best course of action was to decline to be in the wedding party and as I see from your comment that has already played out.
Sigh. Weddings bring out the worst in people. If you want a path to maintaining a good relationship with her, I think the best thing to do at this point is tell her (through a family member if you have to b/c blocked) you love her, you hope the wedding is amazing, you’d love to be there to support her but will do whatever she prefers you to do. Give her some space post-wedding, and then just go back to business as usual.
If you don’t, I would still do the above to keep the family peace and then just distance yourself after the wedding.
Send her a picture of you with a wig. Maybe she just needs to see it’s not tacky.
Other than her being your sister, can you think of a reason as to why you even want to go to this wedding?
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As someone planning a wedding, I would never ask my bridesmaids to alter their appearance to fit my vision for the day. I have friends with piercings, tattoos and colored hair that will stand next to me.
With that said: She asked you to be a bridesmaid on the condition that you would change your hair. You said you would. It’s now close to the wedding and you are changing your stance on it.
Also… you said your hair has grown out enough that you can pull it back. To me, that’s worse than if you had freshly dyed it. No one wants roots and faded colors in their wedding photos. I would hope my friends would freshen up their looks and make sure it’s nice for my wedding.
You shouldn’t have to alter yourself for her wedding, but it is her day. Either change your hair or bow out of being a bridesmaid.
As someone that changes my hair colour regularly. My general thought on people making this demand is ‘pay me’. Pay me to return it to its natural colour and pay me in 6 months to get it back to what it was.
You’ve given plenty of work arounds that are extremely fair.
Her comment on wigs not looking natural is also 100% bullshit. Wigs can be styled to be amazing.
Is pleasing your sister really worth this headache? Sounds like it’s not.
you could go a step further and find some colored dry shampoo or hair chalk to cover up the wacky color? Washes right out!
My lifelong best friend threw a fit for me to straighten my hair for her wedding when I have naturally curly hair. Then she demanded I shave my armpits and legs when I don’t normally do those things. Then she demanded I give a toast when I said I was not able to do so. This was for her 3rd wedding and she was already married, it was just for show. It just kept escalating until she said something unforgivable to me and we never spoke again.
I would never ask a friend or family member to change themselves for my wedding. I would want them in my wedding for who they are, otherwise why am I asking them to be there with me?
I’m sorry, I know this situation is complicated and there is no easy answer. You’re either going to need to compromise who you are for the sake of your sister or likely damage that relationship with your family for a while. You need to just reflect deeply in which is more important to you and decide from there.
Take a photo of yourself in a really good quality wig and send it to your sister stating that you dyed your hair back for her wedding.
She’ll thank you.
Then tell her it’s a wig.
That’s what I would do but yeah
My bff got pregnant prior to another friends wedding that she was a bridesmaid in. The Bride told her she was very disappointed that she couldn’t wait to get pregnant because now there will be a pregnant bridesmaid. What a Bee-atch. It is just a wedding, but for some folks it’s an excuse to let their inner jerk shine. It’s your hair. Do what you want. Find the best path forward for you. A wig seems reasonable, and if it’s done well, she’ll likely never even know you’re wearing it. Although it will cost some $$.
Yeah, sucky as it is, I would make the sacrifice for her “special” day. I think it would be way cooler to have one Bridesmaid in the pictures with a Cindy Lauper dye job, but it’s not my wedding.
As silly as it sounds, my brother wanted me to wear “peg leg” tux pants just like the other groomsmen. I have seen far fewer more disagreeable fashions. If it’s wanted to look like a Circus Impressario, I would have gotten real riding pants. But, his and his wife-to-be’s day and I got all of the seafood I could eat at the buffet so, in the end, it was all good.
Just use that temporary spray dye shit that washes out over the colored part.
I wouldn’t bother trying to talk to her until she comes to you. When she does remind her that you offered to wear a wig, but that wasn’t enough. Tell her you’re sorry you changed your mind, but it felt like you weren’t even given a choice to do what you want with your body to begin with, and that’s not okay. Having a wedding does not mean you get to dictate what someone does with their body. Then tell her that if she doesn’t want you in the wedding, that’s fine and you understand. Then the ball will be in her court and her response is what will decide the nature of your future relationship. If she flips out, and I suspect she very well might, I’d slowly limit contact until it’s cut entirely. At least for a while.
I think the promise to dye your hair was your undoing. Don’t over-promise and under deliver.
And if she wants to treat her wedding like a photo shoot and not a celebration of her union, that’s on her. Let her 86 you and spend the rest of her life knowing she banished you from her big memories over a hair color.
Also, you can change hair colors anyway you want in photoshop. Sometimes people on reddit will do it really well for free. It’s 2022.
I’m all for my body my choice but you gave her your word and now are retracting on it because you “don’t feel like it” which is cool but probably should have just said no in the first place… it really is for a day and like I said I’m all for my body my choice but I feel like your word is more so a binding agreement.. idk just me tho ik a lot of people who don’t do or mean the shit they say
If you want to be diplomatic, you can send her a text saying you hate that this hair thing has gotten between the two of you and you think maybe the best solution is for you to not be a bridesmaid, but just attend as a guest.
As a guest you don’t have to put up with any of her petty tyranny, but it won’t look like you are snubbing her either. You can just sit back, eat popcorn, and watch the drama go down.
It probably won’t make you feel better, but I’ve noticed a correlations between bridezillas and short marriages. Some women really, really just want to be princess-for-a-day and they are willing to overlook all the problems in their relationship to achieve it. And since the day is everything and there’s only one shot at it, they are completely unreasonable trying to achieve their vision of it. Once she’s had her day and knows she’s not getting another, then she’ll land right back in reality.
Honestly it sounds like the problem is solving itself?
When your family gives you shit, just shut em down: “I offered compromises and sister chose to cut me out instead. There’s nothing more to say on the topic so if that’s all you want to talk about right now, this conversation isn’t gonna work. I’ll call you next week to talk about (whatever you want to talk to them about).”
If you want to compromise, I would sugest a temporary hair colour spray
Okay. So your sister is going to have the biggest day of her life and specifically asked you not to dye your hair. So, you dyed your hair and justified it by saying you would dye it back.
Now her wedding is coming and you’re not following through on what you said you’d do because, of course, changing your hair to a natural color for your sister’s biggest lifetime event would be an inconvenience to you. Now you’re shocked she’s upset… After you did what she specifically asked you not to do for her wedding.
Maybe she’s been acting like this because you’re an inconsiderate and selfish person who seems to think you can disregard the feelings of those around you, while expecting them to consider your own feelings.
I could swear I have read this exact story before
Can’t believe so many people are on OP side. Sister doesn’t want tacky hair in life long pictures and OP agreed to it a year ago and now that it’s come down to it she’s changing her mind? You sound selfish
IF you decide to attend the wedding, I say get your sister and your family off your back by telling them that you will come to the wedding in your natural hair color. Wear a wig to the wedding. Get in. Pose for the pictures. Enjoy the food. Get out. No one else needs to know.
I mean your sister is being a bit much here tbh and it doesn’t look good for her. But I think you both suck tbh. And I’m confused by a lot in your post and comments.
You promised your sister you would dye it back for her wedding when you accepted being a bridesmaid. Now you’re backing out cause “you don’t feel like it?” That’s shitty AF dude. If your hair was so important to you then being a bridesmaid why did you agree? You essentially lied to her and I would be upset too. And putting your hair back where your roots show and the color is faded is not good. I’ve dyed my hair pretty much every color and grown roots and faded hair is not a good look.
Now, why would you have to bleach your hair? You said your hair is a dark color why can’t you just dye your ends to match your roots if it’s dark? There isn’t bleaching involved with that. I think your sister is right to be mad at you for breaking a promise you agreed to and now backing out of it. I don’t think she’s right to not be okay with a wig as long as it looks good and real.
But I do think you are in the wrong to make a promise and then decide to not keep it. I think you two are both being incredibly selfish, you probably a bit more because you’re breaking a promise.
Do I think your sister is being reasonable? Only to an extent and her blocking your and not letting you wear a wig is too much. But you’re breaking a promise and you are just minimizing that. It’s hair or grows back. You can do treatments and conditioners to repair it and you don’t even need to bleach it if you hair is naturally dark you just dye the roots a.dark color.
Inform her you will not be a part of her wedding party, and honestly since she blocked me, I’d assume I’m not wantednat the wedding and not go. She is unreasonable expecting to control your body, esspecially knowing that dyingnyour hair is just who you are and you shouldnt have to dye it for one day. You offered a very reasonable solution of wearing a wig, she said no. You’re a lot nicer than I would be about it both to her and your family while your sister sounds like she doesn’t give a shit about anyone else or their boundries as long as she gets her dream wedding. And the fact your family is expecting you to just roll over and do what she wants in regards to your own body is alarming.
I’m not 100% sure what the problem is. You’ve been dying your hair crazy colors for over a decade and your sister says you gotta wear a normal color for *gasp* one day. It’s not like you have an issue with changing colors or you caring about the damage you’re doing to your hair long term. You just don’t wanna do something because it’s being a request from your sister whose so close to you she asked you to be a bridesmaid. Just change your hair to a crazy color after the wedding. I honestly don’t understand why you’re being a brat about it.
Ffs people, when you don’t want to do something, say you won’t. Don’t say *yes, then maybe not, or maybe yes, idk, don’t feel comfortable now*. Grow up.
not even lying it really seems like the problem is solved. I do kind of agree with your sister because you did say that you would and you gave her your word, but it was before you were comfortable sharing your feeling with her about your hair. I really do think it is ridiculous for you to have to change your hair—especially since the damage and the maintenance with changing hair is not a cheap price. I really think that you should just give her some space. If she ends up reaching you and asking you back in the wedding, then state that you aren’t going to change your hair and if that is unacceptable for her you just won’t be there.
Rules at weddings change for every couple, and I can see why she wouldn’t want it—so she has the choice of either allowing it . or just letting you stay out of it. Depending on how the situation is talked about I don’t see why it would cause a drift with your sister. YOU are following the rules by saying “hey then I just won’t go if it’s unacceptable”
I feel your issue. I have my haircut and dyed in a way that is atypical. My family tries to pressure me at all times to go back to a “traditional” hairstyle and color.
Some people I feel don’t understand that your hairstyle can be part of your identity. I know it’s this way for me, and even more so because when I changed it signified a time of personal growth for me, so while it’s just a hair style and color, it has a lot of personal meaning to me.
I used to have issues being blunt and clear with my family too on how their suggestions of my hair made me feel. So I can appreciate that you might not have been ready to stand firm on your hair early on. It’s a process.
Eventually, I developed more confidence in telling my family bluntly that it was not cool to make those comments. It took a while, but they eventually accepted that this haircut and dyed is who I am and how I want to portray myself.
Point being, if your sister truly wants a relationship with you, she will understand that your hair is part of your body and something that defines you and even at something like her wedding, it’s not her place to say.
I feel like the way you explained it to your sister was valid and big of you. Her reaction might be due to wedding stress but that doesn’t make her reaction okay.
Maybe let things cool down until after the wedding. It might not be worth it to bring up the hair before you go (if you go) to the wedding, I feel like anything you say now would just be repeating or rehashing an argument you already had. At the same time, it’s definitely better to have a conversation about it beforehand, if it makes sense to do so.
A wig seems like a good comprise if you go to the wedding. 100% wigs are a great option. I do wigs a bit and people always think it’s my real hair. Just make sure you do a wig with front lace, it looks more realistic and you can get them pretty cheap on Amazon. I also recommend a little wig glue for the edges (honestly I just use the fake eyelash glue, works the same and easier to find).
You can def rock a wig and even go to a stylist that will put it on for you and they aren’t hard too do at all I feel its unfair to have to change your hair if It was my wedding I could Care less as long as you look nice wear your hair how you want def talk to her hoping sending her a pic of you in the wig or better yet show up to the wedding in it and YouTube is your best friend when it’s comes to learning how to install wigs and making the hairline look natural
I know doing your hair is expensive, but I feel like, if you already told your sister you’d do this, you shouldn’t back out now that the wedding is upon you. You’ve been dying your hair for a decade, and if thats the case, why can’t you fulfill your promise and dye it a natural color the way you said you would, for this hopefully once in a lifetime occasion. You say you and your sister aren’t that close, but sucking it up and being there for her the way you said you would, would likely make you two a lot closer. Brides are stressed out about so much on their wedding days. She doesn’t want an unnatural and potentially garish hair color distracting from her on her big day. Be the bigger person and respect that. You can dye your hair later, from what you’ve said, you would do so anyway
Edit to say: I have 3 sisters. I’m close with all of them. My youngest sister, a bridesmaid, not just a guest, dyed her hair fire engine red for the wedding after promising my sister she wouldn’t. If you made a promise, keep your promise. If this day doesn’t matter to you, it matters to your sister.
The part of weddings where people take extreme delight in controlling their loved ones’ appearances has always been extremely weird and invasive to me. It’s supposed to be a celebration and people just turn it into some weird power trip they can have a pass for.
So your sister sounds a bit shit but I also feel like your being a bit shit as well. You told her you would colour your hair back to its natural colour and you’re now refusing to do that. And depending on what bright colour you had your hair, it likely looks horrible. I have been dying my hair bright colours for years. From bright red, to green to pink and purple. I’ve had the whole rainbow all at once. None of them grow out looking nice. They look tacky and gross. You say it’s grown out enough that if you tie it up you can’t see it. That says to me it’s grown out a lot and is now faded and crap. I understand you have offered compromises and that the one agreed on was you dying your hair back to its natural colour. But you are now backing out of that. How is that fair on your sister? She has spent a year thinking this is a non issue and now that the stress has become huge and it’s almost go time you throw this onto her. That sucks and it’s sucky of you to do. I get she has been a pain and tbh I think its best for both of you to have space, it sounds like you don’t particularly like her either but I feel like you suck the most in this. I was 50/50 in the beginning but now I have written this out and re read your post multiple times I’m way more annoyed at you. I’m not looking at the things she has done during the lead up because that’s not the issue right now. The issue is you going back on your word at the last minute and causing unnecessary stress and upset. And for that, I don’t blame her for being angry at you.
Personally, I would be upset too. Not mainly because of the hair color, though. I dont give a shit about that, but about going back on your word after so much time has passed. Dont get me wrong, I think shes being unreasonable. However, she is allowed to want her wedding a certain way. I’d also be hurt that my sister would miss what is supposed to be the most important day of my life because she didnt want to change her hair for one day. But, I’d never make anyone change their hair in the first place and it sucks that your sister is. Another solution I can think of other than a wig, since its only one day there are tons of semi-permanent natural looking colors you can dye your hair that only lasts for a few washes. I have dyed my hair every color imaginable and had to do the natural thing a couple times for events. Semi permanent dye was a god send, its how I made sure I could go natural and then right back to my wild self.