[33M][34F] Husband is rude, mental health struggling

Been married for a couple years to my husband. Have three kids before with my ex husband and he has one daughter with his ex wife. I could say blending families has been hard, but really it has only been hard because when we moved in together, he was so angry consistently, never apologized for his actions, blew up on me and the children over every little thing. Everyone had to walk on eggshells. Not only that, but he had no job and spent over two years at the house every day all day and didn’t raise a finger besides sometimes taking the trash out, etc. on occasion. Every responsibility was on my shoulders, including working full time. When I expressed concerns over this, I was told that it was a lie, he did plenty and also told I was exaggerating his behavior. I was also told I am playing a victim and have created a narrative. This behavior has died down a lot in terms of the angry outbursts (although they still happen on occasion) but now it’s all internalized anger that comes out in slamming doors or trudging through the house like a bull. Saying rude remarks, etc.

My daughter suffers with PDA and last week, I was having issues with her getting angry because she felt totally dysregulated. Instead of taking this personally with her, I tried to sit down and communicate with her, help her through her storm so we could then talk. While she is already dysregulated, he walks in her room and stands there with his hands on his hips. She is crying and asks if he will get out. He starts going on about he was standing there because he just wanted to get her laundry to wash and she really needed to be thankful he was washing her laundry, etc. The laundry was right there, he knows where it is. When he walked out with it, I gently shut her door because I wanted to try and talk with her without her brother and sisters bombarding. A couple minutes later, he brings back her whole thing of dirty laundry and sits it back in her room. I then see him go and get my other daughter’s laundry and take it in there to wash instead. I ask why he did that and he didn’t have an answer to give me. It was very obvious that he did that because he was intentionally not washing her laundry out of spite. (Also, he was only doing this laundry because he needed to wash jeans for his daughter for school). I told him very calmly that he didn’t have to be petty, she’s just a child. He then told me to meet him in the other room. I was trying to help my daughter with her math homework. After that, I went in the other room and he shuts the door and raises his voice about me telling him he didn’t have to be petty, she was just a child. He then tells me I don’t know what the definition of petty means and looks it up and tells me the definition. And then he cusses and continues to yell. I tell him regardless, that’s not okay to do and ask why he did that. He says, “she NEEDS disciplined” and goes on. I tell him that I don’t agree with the idea of disciplining a child is to decide not to do their laundry and to do her little sister’s instead. This girl is 9, by the way. He then slams the doors, goes mad through the house.

The trash in the can, along with 4 other bags has been in the kitchen for almost 4 days and has been stinking. I have done that because the can is never emptied. I cleaned and I take care of almost all responsibility in the home. I hadn’t said anything about it at all. Earlier he was walking through the house and I said in a playful way, the trash is stinky! I must’ve put cat poo in there, something along those lines. He says angrily in front of his daughter, “all you need to do is ASK me to take the trash out, not make subtle remarks.” I thought, “I didn’t know I needed to ask a grown human to take the trash out? Or to do basic things?”

I’m so exhausted with all this.