I (30F) went for the nice guy (31M). My friends encouraged me to go for him because he’s fun and sweet even though I wasn’t physically attracted to him and the lack of attraction was clearly mutual from the start.
He’s a great match in a lot of ways to be fair but sex has always been a massive issue in our relationship. He clearly isn’t interested in sex the same way I am and in the past it took a lot of convincing to get him to engage in sexual activity. He would also in the past put me down during or after sex by insulting various parts of my physical appearance. Outside of the bedroom he’s very sweet and showers me with compliments. I feel bad even complaining because he’s such a nice person outside of this issue.
I’ve developed something called body dysmorphic disorder from this. My self esteem and worth is nothing and I’ve developed suicidal thoughts.
Last March, after 10 years of this, I told him I couldn’t handle it anymore and it needed it to change or I would leave. In his defensive, he has changed a lot in regards to sexual activity. The frequency is much higher and he’s much kinder. However, sex is still all about getting him ready and outside of penetration he doesn’t really touch me. I feel like it’s pity and it honestly feels worse than when the bedroom was dead.
I deeply hate myself. I don’t know what to do. This is the only man I’ve been with and for years I told myself it was normal and ok but I don’t think it is anymore. I want to know if there’s anyone out there who relates who I can talk to.
Edit: i really wanted to find someone who understands and that doesn’t seem to exist. Honestly I feel more alone now than ever. It’s pretty obvious my life has no value.
8 comments
>He would also in the past put me down during or after sex by insulting various parts of my physical appearance
And you stayed with him?
> I’ve developed suicidal thoughts.
Then leave.
Look, I’m all about trying to save a marriage whenever possible, but some marriages are just beyond repair.
If you’d consider suicide over being with him, then that’s a clear sign this is NOT salvageable.
You’re only 30. Plenty of people don’t even marry anymore until their past 30. Starting over would not be the wort thing in the world.
>He would also in the past put me down during or after sex by insulting various parts of my physical appearance.
This is sickening. Not acceptable.
>Last March, after 10 years of this, I told him
Why did you take so much time to tell. It deserved to be called out immediately.
>he has changed a lot in regards
That’s gives some hope but fragile.
>I feel like it’s pity and it honestly feels worse than when the bedroom was dead.
The issues now are not about sex anymore. They are much deeper and somewhat complex.
You got married pretty young, probably did get much chance to grow as mature human being.
It’s not just about quality of sex but you have anguish and resentment due to his cruel words.
However his efforts gives some hope. It will be a long journey requiring continuous efforts. You both should seek therapy, for marriage as well as individual.
You both are young. I’m rooting for you.
You start out by saying he isn’t attractive to you, that you aren’t attracted to him – that prob has a LOT to do with his drive for intimacy, as a person can tell that. You also say he’s not attracted to you. His comments are atrocious and uncalled for. This whole thing doesn’t sound like a quality marriage. But don’t let his view of you change your view of yourself. Afterall, you aren’t attracted to him either.
If you and your husband are having sex with each other, but not making love to one another, that could be the root of the problem. My wife and I are both imperfect people, but my love for her is real. I always told her that I never had sex with her, but I made love to her many times. I never had another woman, nor do I want one. I don’t think you were in love, good man or not.
How about on-line therapy, so you can do it over the internet on video call?
Been thinking about your post and here is what I believe: your husband is making you feel undesirable as a way to deflect from HIS issues – whether they be self-hatred or performance related. It’s so much easier to toss the blame onto a vulnerable partner than to face the truth. I fervently believe this. And in you he has found a partner who for reasons of inexperience or insecurity, totally internalizes his hostile or indifferent behavior.
More concerning is that you are feeling hopeless. If you feel like you might harm yourself, I found this resource online: https://talksuicide.ca
First and foremost you owe it to yourself to find support. You say that it’s difficult to find mental health services. Do you have family that you can rely on? Can you visit them for a long weekend just to get away and come up with a plan to take care of yourself? If not, there must be a hotline that refers people in distress to help. Are you near a college or university? Sometimes they offer counseling or can make referrals.
I know this sounds like heavy lifting but it’s time to redirect your energy from self-criticism (which doesn’t solve anything) to gathering your resources – a team of family, friends and professional support to navigate this — and ultimately feel better. Who knows? One of your acquaintances might be seeing or know of a great shrink! (You don’t have to tell them the specific nature of your situation – just that you are working on some personal issues). You need a clear headed, objective ally.
I’m twice your age and reading your story made me sad for the current you but hopeful for the future you. At thirty you are still on the cusp of adulthood. Seriously! You can do this.
It’s not normal for a spouse to insult your appearance. You say that he loves you, but love is something you do. Someone who loves you would never insult you. You deserve so much more.
I haven’t felt like my wife has been attracted or interested in me for a decade or more. It really wears on me and it seems to be hurting you also. I suffer from depression and the absence of simple, basic things in our marriage weighs me down considerably… I started working with a therapist a few years ago and it has helped me a lot in dealing with issues in my marriage. Its helped me to manage my depression quite a lot better. Please extend yourself some grace and talk to one. I self loathe too… its a bitch… please be kind to yourself!!