Trying to stick to my ideals but craving intimacy

47 comments

1. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying yourself while something better comes around. And if a man judges you because of what you did while single that’s probably not a man you want to be with.

   If your primary focus is to find a long lasting relationship that’s great! But if you meet someone and you don’t want to pursue anything serious but you are comfortable around them and have chemistry go for it. Nothing wrong with that, it does not make you a bad person and is not immoral

2. It’s totally natural to feel that way. I’m sorta in the same boat as you honestly lol but yeah there’s absolutely nothing wrong with casually indulging into your sexual desires until something/ somebody you genuinely want comes along. Just make sure you feel 100% comfortable doing so. You’re grown and you have sexual needs/ wants to be met, nothing wrong with that. Have fun!

3. This

4. For fuck’s sake

5. I’ve been adviced not to sleep with the guy on the 1st, 2nd or 3rd date if you want to have some sort of relation with him. Otherwise they will treat you as casual. I hate it, but I’ve been told that a couple of times. Also, I’ve experience this a true lol
   So yeah if you care about having some sort of relation with the guy I would wait unfortunately… it sucks

6. >I’m sure the men out there are craving this touch just as much as women

   Yes.

   This is what I’m talking about when I say women have options – they might not be the options you want but they nevertheless exist if you do end up missing physical touch.

7. I swore off fwb, ons, etc 3 years ago. It’s amazing to see up front how fast guys run away when they see they have to put in effort.

8. >Do strangers still make love these days?

   Yes

9. I am feeling this so much right now and it’s only been two months for me 🥺

10. I would have two dating profiles 🤷🏼‍♀️ One for serious dating and one for hookups. Make sure the hookup guys know that you’re only interested in sex.

11. I fully get that craving, I feel it too. But I’m a guy, so that’s to be expected, haha.

    I’d say keep your standards though. Sex isn’t important enough to sell yourself short. Just make sure your standards are flexible. It’s easy for people to convince themselves they want something they don’t actually want. Or need

12. Nothing wrong with a few casual snuggles if you’re both enjoying yourself

13. Your own belief that sex is degrading is your problem. I hear what you are saying, but you you clearly a desire for physical experience. What’s wrong with sex? No ibe will degrade you y less you think sex outside a relationship is degrading. You have a conflict you have to reconcile. Sex for the sake of it can be great, healthy and good for you. But only if you are in the right frame of mind and don’t go into it blaming the other person if your expectations for a relationship get transferred to the other person. Be clear with yourself, but you could do very well in getting rid of that shame around sex. It’s making you miserable

14. > Do strangers still make love these days?

    Yes.

    But the best strangers turn into friends.

    Friends…. with benefits.

    So, really, what I’m trying to say here is, if you’re craving intimacy–and sex–then shoot for a FWB scenario. Pick a single friend you’re into, ask if they’re game, set some ground rules, and bing bang boom.

    Or via dating websites, be primarily looking for a long-term-partner, but be *open* to someone you’ve got great chemistry with but can’t see yourself with long-term.

15. I know n completely understand what u r saying here. I’m a 48M n haven’t been intimate with anyone else my ex n that was over 2 years ago n I was with her for 11 years. I do crave a companion once in awhile n tbh it’s not for sex really. It’s mostly just cuz I miss having someone to talk to r do things with. Feels like I lost my mojo, want to get it back yet I’m to freaked out pursue anything lol. It’s frustrating AF lol. Anyways, I guess when the time comes it’ll happen but til then I’m cool just being cool. Aloha n God bless 🤙🙏🤙

16. I’m right there with you sister , I’m 23 F . Going into the new year I swore off fwb, ons , etc after I was ghosted by a fwb after the first time we hooked up . I say don’t sleep with the men you want to have relationships with , make love to the attractive ones who don’t have boyfriend material

17. Worth the wait. I don’t do hookups either, 27M, and my friends think I’m weird but its going to be awesome when I find a similar person. I don’t want to marry a girl who sleeps around casually

18. I seriously have felt exactly like this in the past. So I personally appreciate you bringing this topic up. 💗

19. Stick to your ideals, when you find a man he will be very happy to know that you are not being run through more times than hwy 101. He will then try his best to take care of you and your relationship.

20. I’m sure a lot of ladies feel this way but celibacy is so rewarding and worth it. Don’t risk pair bonding with a stranger or guy who’s not worthy of your time.

21. Physical touch with intimacy can be done without sex. I’m a devout Christian 37M and the connection is what I look for, period. Yes, I can be intimate with my partner without it turning full sex. It’s possible. Honestly, going full Johnson turns it off for me. Because I’m waiting til marriage for that…and if I get it beforehand, it’s like a movie spoiler. When the actual thing in marriage happens it’s like…meh. Seen it.

    However, if I keep myself til marriage, while allowing my partner and I to fool around a little (giving pats and squeezes of affection, cuddling intimately), then when the “big reveal” happens its glorious and wonderful, and I know that I’m only doing this with this woman for as long as we’re together.

22. If you break your ideals, I can 100% guarantee that you will feel/be degraded by a fuckboy.

    Some women learn to like/crave it.

23. I completely understand how you feel because I like to form emotional connections before sleeping with people too. It’s been quite a while for me too, but I’m probably going to change that soon lol.

    However, sex is normal and part of life. If it’s something you want to do, that’s ok too.

24. Just be yourself when your time is your time you don’t know when it’s right don’t let men push you to do something you do not want to do

25. Same. I want a boyfriend NOW but I have to do the entire dating thing. I want someone who respects and cares about me

26. Bro I am on the same mf boat and lemme just say I think it’s worth it really liek I’ve learned and MAYBE it’s just tmi but there are dildos for women & flesh lights for guys who cant find it in them to make this sacrifice either, for both sides waiting I honestly say good job guys and I hope everyone knows we all will find love one day 🙂

27. Then just do it. Let your partner know that’s what you want. Be communicative instead of holding it in and coming to Reddit. TBH your “ideals” should unnecessarily controlling and feminist/neurotic. You’re obsessed over “taking it slow” which is code for you want to be in complete control. Relationships aren’t about control.

28. Yes you’re going to compromise your ideals and end up in a fwb gig. And a fwb gig is not a fulfilling relationship.

29. I’ve been single about 3 years. Went to a great school, got a job im passionate about. Workout 5 times a week. Play multiple open mics a week.

    What’s hard is that I yearn for true companionship and refuse to let go of my standards. When I try to talk to my guy friends about it they really have no empathy, cause they’ll take home anything that moves without a second thought.

    I feel your pain. Entitled as it might sound, I not only desire the touch and company of a woman, I feel deserving of it because I am a good man. Someone out there wants the love you want to give. Don’t devalue it by giving it to someone less deserving.

30. Yeah for sure! I (38m) really love physical touch and love. Casual connections can be ok, but like I want to be 100% affectionate w someone and it’s kinda hard to do that as part of a casual relationship. Like I wanna show love, but then that gets weird w a fwb. I wanna spend a lot of time cuddling and sleeping together but that I guess can’t happen too often w a fwb. I just wanna find someone who is a good connection and who wants to enjoy that physical intimacy/touch.

31. It’s refreshing to hear this point of view from a woman around my age.

    You’re not the only one. Wishing you well, love.

32. The internet and social media has ruined dating in the West

33. Been single for a few months. Still have yet to go on a date or even put an effort into dating. I feel the need to rebuild my self confidence and respect before I search for a partner. I do miss the intimacy though.

34. Based on the comments so far this may be unpopular advice but if you want sex… go have sex. You just have to be able to keep emotions out of it. I know that can be hard for a lot of people so if you know you’re not able to have sex without catching feelings then don’t do it, but otherwise why not? No shame in satisfying your sexual needs. Just find someone you’re attracted to you that you feel sexual chemistry with, they don’t have to be relationship material. Make sure to discuss what you’re into, what your boundaries are, and how you’re gonna stay safe & healthy. And be clear that you only want sex.

35. Maybe you should just learn to have sex for your own enjoyment instead of believing you have to be in love.

36. Try a kinky app? People can communicate ab sex better and are less likely to ghost, easier to find fwb… the men generally are more respectfully to women if you sift through the bad matches

37. You can date casually without it being a fwb situation.

38. I was the same way, I can’t speak for you but it was worth it to stick it out until I found the right person. Having caved in before, I just felt regret and dissatisfied / disappointment. Not worth it.

    Just focus on meeting people till you find that connection again, that intimacy you’re craving never comes from hook ups or casual. You actual get it and scratch that itch when you’re with someone you’ve grown to know and care about, and take the time to learn each other emotionally and physically. Don’t settle for anything less!

39. Same boat. I relate to every word of this. I am so focused on work and staying true to myself that I don’t bother about entertaining casual complications. And yet, sometimes, at 3 am in the morning, I can’t help but wonder …

40. M 27 ,virgin, and now those cravings dissapeared.
    Accepted nobody will come.

41. They do. But at this point I think you are better off with a FWB until you find the right person to give your all. A FWB is for such occasion where you need some physical release and nothing more.

42. It’s funny. 25M. I feel thet same way. Trying to be myself and be realistic and truthful for the F, but I’m getting a Little bit frame out of the connection and conversations. Trying going on dates and so one, but everything gets cancelled.

    Difficult to find the right balance of effort needed. Some people don’t want to much attention and others do. Some want one night stand without telling and others don’t.

    I guess strangers still make love. But come mostly as O,N,S after drinking or dating apps.

43. It’s completely normal to feel lonely and crave touch and affection, especially during these times when we may be feeling isolated and disconnected from others. It’s important to remember that you are not alone in feeling this way and that it is okay to want to connect with someone physically.

    It can be challenging to find someone who shares your dating ideals, but it is possible. It may be helpful to focus on building connections with people who share your values and priorities, rather than trying to find someone who is simply looking for casual physical intimacy. This can help you to feel more comfortable and confident in your choices.

    As for your fear of being degraded, it’s important to remember that you have the right to set your own boundaries and to only engage in activities that make you feel comfortable and respected. It’s okay to say no to anything that doesn’t feel right for you, and to communicate your boundaries and desires clearly with your partners.

    It’s also important to prioritize your own well-being and safety. If you do decide to pursue physical intimacy with someone, it is essential to practice safe sex and to take steps to protect yourself and your health. This can include using condoms, getting tested regularly for sexually transmitted infections, and being honest with your partners about your sexual history and boundaries.

44. I feel exactly the same as a 30 yo man. Haven’t had a relationship for 6 years, haven’t had sex for years either.

    Running a business full time, really busy and have been isolated since COVID started. Most of my friend groups moved away, so I don’t meet new girls much. Online dating has been rubbish.

    I’m a very passionate, very affectionate person. Cuddling and being close to someone is vital to me, sex seems to be pretty important for my well being as well. Yet the best I can get is silly flirting texts with some random girls I’ve met online who usually ghost me or live miles and miles away.

    As a result I’m constantly pulled between the raging carnal desires you get from hormones and the desire to have a real loving relationship. It can be really frustrating. Sometimes I come close to just compromising all my standards just so I can have sex more, but so far I have stopped myself.

    In the end I’m trying to focus on my work to ignore it (which is probably not the best solution).

45. I (24m) stumbled into a deep connection while looking for casual hookups so 🤷 maybe keep an open mind as much as you can while still accounting for the varrying range of quality in men

46. Stay hopeful! I was single 4 years and hadn’t been with anyone for that time either. I waited till finding my boyfriend now and once I found him (on bumble) it was almost an immediate connection, we started dating a week later and I cant stress enough it’s worth the “loneliness” and wait. Try to spend your time with friends and family and doing things you enjoy for YOU and that I felt helped me grow as a person and helped me not feel as “lonely”. You are strong, you are independent, and you are worth having the love you crave. It also is not a bad thing to give into your desires as long as it doesn’t conflict with your morals, so do what you feel is best for you and don’t let anyone else sway your decision.

47. You can still find something casual where both sides are kind and respectful. And you never know, it could turn into something long term!