My husband and I have been on and off for MANY years until finally getting married in 2018. Brief summary: dated in middle school. Broke up early into hs. In middle school I liked him ALOT more than he liked me. Idk if you can love someone at that age but I’m pretty sure I did and he broke my heart and I was in a pretty bad depressive episode for about a year. I don’t blame him but it’s context lol. So then we didn’t date all hs but I still thought about him often and missed him. Then freshman year of college we started talking again and by second semester he was my boyfriend. Then sophomore year of college we got our own apartment. In retrospect I think this was the start of a reoccurring issue of me PUSHING him to do things he wasn’t ready for. But I’m generally it was pretty great. My scholarships pod for pretty much everything fans we just enjoyed being with each other. The next year 2016 we move to a different apartment cause we wanted one with an in unit washer and dryer. I started Wanting more from home. I wasn’t okay with us just bumming around our apartment together. I wanted him to take me on dates and be more thoughtful. I started to feel crazy cause I was telling him what I wanted and it was like he didn’t hear more or remember. Another MAJOR issue that happened at this time was he pawned my speaker without telling me. He said it was to pay a bill but obviously that doesn’t make it right. And I had already been paying all the bills so why not just ask me for money? Then a little bit later I went and came back from a trip to Austin and he was out. Then he called me to tell me he crashed my car. It’s totaled. I was stunned. I think I just asked if he was okay and he said he was going to the hospital. I was in Nursing school at the time and really needed to study for a test so I told him to just keep me posted and I’d go if he needed/wanted me to. I’m not sure what happened at the hospital but a couple hours later he’s at our apartment and he looks “CRAZY” in the eyes. He’s being loud and upset so much so that my friend who was studying with me just left without saying anything. She was scared I’m sure. The next couple of days were awful. He was so mean and loud and rude. At one point I called his mom and sister to come help and he said to both of them I was being a “bitch!” And at one point I called the cops on him because he was broken dishes and STABBED MY COUCH and then later he called them on me and I really wasn’t doing anything but trying to get him to calm down or just leave. Eventually I left when he wasn’t around, called movers and as QUICKLYas I could. Left with my stuff. I’m gonna continue below cause I’m typing on my phone and it’s tweaking
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Part 2!!
Later I found out he was on Xanax and he had told me he doesn’t remember any of this. We’ve never really talked about it (another MAJOR issue in our relationship). I didn’t have it easy after that and was Really upset with him for making me go through this. I was “living” with my parents but really I was sleeping in there couch and sometimes my grandmas hous. My shit was a all these different places cause I couldn’t afford a storage unit. I was in a bad place but by the next semester I was back in the dorms and that last year of college was really fun. And then I was a Nurse and started working in Austin. We started talking agian (it’s 2018). At this time. 1.I really wanted to have kids already. (I know 23 is young for this but it’s pretty common in the Mexican community). 2. I wanted to be with someone I trust to be a good dad and I KNOW he will be. 3. We move in together too soon (had no real plans for how we will pay for bigger apartment or his living expenses) I understand now how foolish that was of us. 4. We rush to get married. (I was the one who set an early date -4 months after “proposal”). 5. Soon after getting married I got VERY sick with PCOS. I was bleeding constantly for months. It depressed me awful. And I felt very alone. He tried to be there for me but It was more than he could handle. Understandably. 6. Money problems. Big time. I was caring most 85% more or less of the financial load. I will say a lot of the bills are main so it isn’t totally his fault but it was soul crushing. Especially since I worked at a hospital where it is already such a hard job. I was spiraling and to this day I don’t think he realizes what a bad place I was in. At times I just didn’t want to live anymore. THEN I quit my job. And we left to Missouri for a hospital assignment. Money was good but we never found a place to rent and he REALLY came through. I “forgot” about the past and felt like we were on a road to recovery. At the end of my assignment I found out I was pregnant. It was a miracle because at this point we had been trying for over a year. Everything is pretty good. We have our son we’re in bliss…the we go to my father in laws birthday on the beach and he gets drunk and again is LOUD making a scene. Everyone is trying to call him down and he hits this random guy in the face. And now he’s got an assault charge that we’re are STILL trying to figure out. Time goes on and I just feel like this isn’t it for me. I had told him I was thinking about divorce and that I needed more from him. More effort with the house, more love and affection from him, show some interest in me, let’s talk about all the stuff we’ve gone through so we can get better. But no. He’s not down to do the work and so I decide I want a divorce and literally the day I was going to tell him, I found out I was pregnant again. I was very sad at first. But (and I know this isn’t right) once I found out it was a girl it all was worth it. We have my daughter and then he left to work somewhere and then I did and that’s it. I’ll put how we’re currently doing in another comment cause my phone lol
Part 3!!!
Currently he’s a great “partner”/co parent. He cleans every night and day (which you have to with two babies lol), he cooks often, he goes to work (at stripes cause he can’t leave for a welding job right now), we make good love. But also he doesn’t have a drivers license (hasn’t for years) and hasn’t tried really to get one which I try to be understanding cause with two kids it’s very hard to get anything done. And his finances are pretty bad he has three things that have gone to collection and has not made attempts to make it right. I know he hasn’t attempted Because I did our budget and he told me he hasn’t. And he still is not open to talking about our past. He says he is but when I’ve tried to have talks. He’s just defensive or gaslights me. When all I really need is to be heard/understood so I can move on. Also I have not been a saint either. As I said before I PUSHED him a lot in the past when he wasn’t ready. And I had an emotional affair when when our first was about 8 months old. He found out because he read my diary. I ended things and we haven’t talked much about it since. And also the majority of our debt is mine and it does hold us back from doing more things.
So what should I do? Is there hope for us? Is it even worth it because healing from trauma going back to childhood/early adulthood seems like ALOT of work and to do that work with someone who can’t even listen to me without getting defensive or gaslight me seems more than exhausting. I know marriage is hard work but this seems much more than normal amount. And tbh we rushed to get married and if we were to meet now I don’t know if I’d get married again. I would in that I wanted to be married before the kids and I LOVE my kids and so does he but us as a couple. Idk if we’re compatible like that. We love each other deeply. We’ve truly been each other’s RIDE OR DIES but sometimes Love is not enough…
That’s too much to read for me but hope you get out of this situation ☘️