I (35M) went on two dates with a lovely girl (30F) a couple weeks ago and we had some really good times. We clicked immediately and conversation came incredibly easy on both dates. Silence was never awkward. Held hands a few times. Kissed. But she talked about her ex a lot on the second date. Right as we sat down for dinner she became hot and cold for the rest of the night. The day I met her she seemed like she was on fire (outgoing, personable) but she was a completely different person on date two.
She’s not over her ex. At all. I even brought up the fact that she was talking about him and asked her if she’s emotionally available. She was preaching open and honest communication so I did what needed to be done. I addressed the elephant in the room. Didn’t want us to be wasting our time especially since she just moved out of my city a few hours drive.
Apparently her and her ex dated for three years, lived together for most of it and the breakup wasn’t even a year ago. We actually talked about this on the second date. I briefly mentioned I had an ex (3 years ago) to try and relate and when she asked questions about her I changed topics immediately.
It also sounds like she’s having a miserable go of it in the city she just moved to and I think that’s contributing. She is having a hard time finding friends, has no family there and I think she only moved there to escape her ex. She is currently out of work (looking for a contract job) and has an awful roommate situation. I suggested she find a one bedroom up there.
But. I’d definitely see her again in the future if she has some time to heal. Like I said I felt like we had an instant connection. I loved how open and honest she was, the energy she brought to the table and I found her incredibly attractive. But maybe the feeling isn’t mutual?
She sent me this a few days after our second date:
“I’ve been pondering. I thought I was ready to date again but after more introspection I know I am not. That said, I hope you find what you’re looking for and I hope your business continues to grow!”
Short. To the point. Seems very final on the one hand. I imagine she’s not thinking about dating at all right now on the other hand.
TLDR: If she had intentions of reconnecting later would she even say that? Any word tracking regarding that would sound very much like, “Oh hey, I’m gonna keep you on the back burner for a few months and I’ll get back to you when I get back to you”. Thoughts?
2 comments
I would say move on. Graciously accept her words at face value and move on to the next person. She’s not asking to hang or be friends or to take it slow. It’s a dead end.
Say “I understand and wish you well!”
I feel like this is a no, in the sense that “don’t wait for me”. She isn’t feeling it right now and is unsure if she’s ever going to be feeling it.
In your position I would send her a message sort of explaining your feelings the same way in your post. Essentially “Totally got u, gotta do what you feel is right for you. If you ever find yourself thinking about me later in life I wouldn’t mind if you hit me up, since I feel we get along well. No problem if you don’t, I hope things go well for you :)”
This way you putting the ball in her court in case she is open to later, but still respecting her decision.