Is makeup sex a real thing? I’ve never had it in my entire life and I don’t know if that’s what I’m missing.
I hate fighting. I get flustered and say the wrong thing or forget my points which is also my adult diagnosed ADHD. I’ve been battling conflict avoidance and people pleasing vs impulsiveness and the inability to control my reactions a lot of the time for my whole life.
No matter how justified in my feelings I feel, fights end with me in tears feeling like everything is my fault and I’m the problem. I started seeing a counselor almost 10 yrs ago for anxiety and depression and then my premarital counselor had me evaluated for ADHD just a few years ago. It has been a time of upheaval and learning and understanding why I am the way I am. But there’s so much more work to do and I’m exhausted. I stood up for myself with my family and my sister hasn’t spoken to me since Thanksgiving.
So what am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t it feel like a fight/argument is over? I stay in fight or flight for hours or I’m so drained or there’s things to do and places to go so I just have to get on with my day whether I want to or not. I know I need a new psychiatrist but I’ve been thinking I need new counselors too. Neither my personal or couples ones give us action items or seems like. I need like a fight checklist, do this not that, how to resolve… something.
What do you do? How do you end arguments and feel it’s truly over? Do things feel back to normal? Are they supposed to feel better? How do you initiate makeup sex? How do you even have a libido after all that?
4 comments
After apologies, hug as soon as possible. Hold eachother. Look into eachothers eyes. Have a wind down period where you can both be vulnerable and cry if you need to while he comforts you.
Physical contact and loving words or requests for touch and closeness will help you unwind the stress.
Make up sex is not a replacement for intimacy of soothing physical touch. It can actually blow up your feelings more if you have sex after a fight and then fight the next day.
Just because you have ADHD doesn’t mean you are always in the wrong. Neurotypical people can be wrong too! Source – I don’t have ADHD and I am wrong all the damn time.
Perhaps your sister has reacted so badly to you standing up for yourself because she is not used to that. She is used to you crying and taking all the blame and this time you didn’t. Just a guess, obviously, I don’t know the situation.
Regarding fights with partner – I’ve never had makeup sex in my life. No thank you! When I am upset I have zero libido. Every couple is different. Our fights are usually resolved by us taking a little space to think when things get heated, then maybe an hour later one of us will apologise. Maybe explain a bit better. Usually the other then also apologises. Then we hug. Sometimes I feel pretty tired for a while too, because I am also high-octane, fight or flight. It is what it is. We don’t fight that often so it doesn’t matter if I’m a bit zonked for an evening.
You’re probably both trying to win the argument by making your partner lose. And you know what? Arguments don’t work. [They really don’t](https://hbr.org/2011/02/arguing-is-pointless.html).
Most times, neither side is actually listening and their brain is focused on delivering the next response to bat down what the other said. It’s definitely not collecting anything except hurt.
In the heat of the moment, neither is truly listening or absorbing on what the other said. And many times, one brings in other unrelated issues, expanding the argument to other topics. This only expands the scope of the argument with new issues that likewise will not be resolved. And when it’s finally over and one signals victory while the other is left feeling stronger in their convictions–not defeated.
Was the goal really to make our partner lose? Unfortunately, yes.
Did it work?
Nope.
*So why do we do it?*
There are actually clinically proven ways to settle disputes. It’s partly how to express ourselves, partly how to listen and ground rules on what to be covering and what you will not bring into it. Nobody teaches us this in school so we’re often left to mimicking what our parents displayed to us. And that’s usually not very good. Here are two basics for both of you to learn:
* [How To Use “I-Statements”](https://www.tonyrobbins.com/love-relationships/words-matter-you-vs-i/)
* [How to Practice Active Listening](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-active-listening-3024343)
There’s much more to it, so we’ve collected some great resources in this section of this sub’s wiki:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/wiki/index#wiki_communication.2C_arguing.2C_fighting_fair_and_stress
We don’t fight.