Alt account because reasons. This is so long, sorry in advance.
So i (30F) met this guy (37M) about a bit over a month ago and we’re dating. He’s smart, sexy, charming, funny, basically everything I’ve been looking for in a man. I could go on and on about him but the point is i really like him. He’s divorced (marriage ended 4 years ago), i got out of a 6 year relationship a year ago. (Neither of us have kids)
We have a lot in common, communicate well, we have great chemistry and the sex is amazing, he knows what he is doing which only motivates me to want to please him more. We have normal “vanilla” sex, nothing extreme besides getting a bit rough sometimes which do i like.
So yesterday when we were laying in bed after sex and just talking and the conversation went to kinks and fantasies. I have to admit I’m not the most adventurous person in the bedroom, during my relationship of 6 years our sex life was normal at best, my ex wasn’t interested in trying new things or incorporating some things from my fantasies, not even tame ones. After it ended I had a few hook ups, again nothing crazy, but i did discover a few things about myself, mainly what i would like to try.
So I told him a couple of things we did that i really liked, he told me what he enjoyed as well. Then he asked if i ever had fantasies about more extreme things, to which i said, like what, BDSM? And he looked me in the eyes and said yes. I swear my heart stopped for a second because here’s the kicker, that’s my fantasy. That’s what i want to try, to be a submissive. There was a bit of nervous laughing from my side, then i told him yeah kind of. He asked what role do i imagine myself in, i shyly blurted out sub. Now the other kicker, he looked at me biting his lip then said fuck under his breath. I asked what’s the matter, and he said what would you say if I told you i was a Dom? I said I don’t know, are you? He said yes.
There was a bit of silence, then he explained that after his marriage ended he felt free to explore different areas of his sexuality and sex in general and he found that he enjoys BDSM and participated in it.
I didn’t know what to say at first, I was a bit shocked and it seemed surreal. I tried to rack my brain for the limited knowledge i have about it, i just watched a few porn videos of it, the rest is just my imagination running wild at times. So i asked him if it’s the only way he enjoys sex. He said no, he loves “normal” sex, especially with me and he is satisfied with how things are (i told you he is charming). Then i asked if it is a full lifestyle for him, he said no again, it’s just something he like to indulge in occasionally.
My mind was racing, and he probably saw that i was a bit hesitant. He took my hand and kissed it and asked if it was something i would like if we experienced together in the future. He said it doesn’t have to be even in the near future, just if it’s something I’d like to try with him sometime. I said yes but I don’t know when.
He smiled, he said he won’t pressure me, or bring it up, and if i have questions he’s happy to answer them. I told him sure, I’ll think about it and we’ll just take it slow.
The thing is, I do want to try it. Very much. In fact it’s all i can think about but the logical side of my brain says I should wait until we’ve been seeing eachother for a while.
So my problems/questions are:
1. Is this too good to be ture? Is he too good to be ture?
He’s perfect for me in every other way and this on top, my no.1 fantasy? Cause it seems too good to be true
2. Should i wait or just try it and see if it works? If i should wait, how much?
4. What if we try it and I don’t like it? A fantasy is one thing, real life is something else. I want to keep seeing him and hopefully enter a committed relationship, and if I can’t participate in it even just occasionally, what then?
3. also, how do i know if he’s actually experienced in this and if I’ll be safe with him? He seemed sincere and i don’t think he has a reason to make it up, and i have no reason not to trust him but still, the mind wonders.
I feel a bit silly writing this, like I’m writing 50 shades of grey fanfic (never read it though, the writing style is not for me, no offense), but i swear this guy just makes me weak in the best possible way.
2 comments
You might be overthinking. You said you’re sub. He said he’s Dom.
Now you move on to the active negotiation of what you’re okay with what’s off limits and what are soft limits.
You set a safe word, and then you give your first scene a try.
If you like it you do more. If you don’t like it you do less.
That’s how I started, and now I’m a 24/7 submissive slave for my husband. ♥️
1. Partaking in BDSM activities is pretty common, as far as kinks go, so not really that surprising that you’ve found someone who enjoys it.
2. No need to wait that long. Just long enough to have a discussion about boundaries and safe words and select a place to start that you feel comfortable with (e.g. light bondage).
3. If you try it and don’t like it than you use your safe word and stop. Then you talk about it and try something different or decide you don’t want to try again. BDSM is a huge range of activities. Don’t get caught up in the “what ifs” until you’ve explored what you could do and figured out what interests you.
4. Read up on what a good dom does and how they act. He should always be respectful of your boundaries and your comfort.