I met my GF in the year we both divorced from our exes. I’d been divorced for about 6 months and she’d been divorced for about 2 months.
On our first date, there was a lot of chemistry between us. I find her beautiful, charming, smart, engaging… just a really incredible person. Just because of where we both were in our lives, we wanted to keep things slow and casual, but we both felt that it could be a really good relationship
That said, I had lot of anxiety about physical intimacy beyond heavy kissing,
By the end of a long marriage, my libido had dropped to almost zero. After years of saying how important it was to her that we de-emphasize physical intimacy, my ex-wife had an affair. Something turned off inside of me. After the divorce, I talked to my Dr about my missing libido. A testosterone check showed I’m normal and we concluded that I was probably just dealing with a phycological block that would resolve with a new, healthy relationship. To allay performance concerns, he prescribed me some Ciallis if the need would arise.
As the relationship developed, we talked about the possibility of spending the night together. She said she was nervous about that because it had been so long and had to think hard about the idea of having a man over in her new place and what that would mean to her.
When we finally did spent the night together, I forgot to bring the Ciallis. I kind of failed, but she was gracious and admitted to being relieved that we didn’t need to actually do anything. She said that she was in a similar space. After a long marriage to an abusive husband, she said she felt unattractive and that her sex drive had pretty much been turned off.
And over the next couple of weeks, she was patient and encouraging and we kept trying and things got better and better.
We’ve been together for a year since then. And our sex life has improved to really good. It feels intimate, sexy, and loving.
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But last week I learned from a drunk and mutual friend that after her divorce she actually slept with a few guys, including one on the regular (whatever that means over a period of 2 or so months). I confronted her and after denying for a while, she confessed (one at a time, ugh). This broke my heart to learn: she lied to me and I cant really understand why or what it really means to me.
I wouldn’t have expected her to be chaste post divorce, we’re not kids. And there are a lot of feelings to navigate post-divorce. I know that people lie and that women fear being judged. But in this case she went as far as to relate to my reduced circumstances which feels manipulative. Why? And what else may I have been misled about?
Now I’m back to being unable to maintain an erection when we make love. It seems that part of what had brought me back was bound to us going through something together.
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I really want what we had. But part of me says this lie is just too much. That I should accept the heartbreak and move on.
Should I?
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TL/DR:
* GF said she’d lost interest in sex until we started.
* I learned that’s far from the truth.
* This has damaged my trust, shaken my understanding of our relationship and my sex drive
* I still love her, but fear this too unhealthy of a start to recover from
11 comments
You “confronted” a grown-ass woman for daring to have a personal life before she met your dysfunctional genitals. Well, ain’t you the charmer.
Have you explained to her that god intended her to ride only your penis? And that sex is only for procreation? That sex outside marriage can only end in the fires of hell for women?
But you’re fine. Sure, you fornicated with a woman you didn’t actually know – so?! As a lesser creature, no woman has the right to have sex until you flop into bed with her and… flop.
You do know that it’s very common for women to have sex they don’t want to have just to make a guy happy, yes?
You can try to understand why she felt the need to lie, or you can just try to find someone else who will be more honest from the get go..
The silver lining in this is that you know that your libido will come back again within a loving relationship.
Good luck
Hi OP,
To summarise, the crux is that you had a vulnerability, linked to past trauma, that when you opened up about it your partner said she shared the same vulnerability. This turns out not to be quite true and you feel betrayed and hurt
I think your feelings are valid, I imagine if this was me (woman in my 30s) this would bring up a slew of feelings such as embarrassment, betrayal, feeling manipulated, feeling foolish, feeling patronised.
But I think you should speak with her more and also reflect on all the other aspects of your relationship before throwing it all away.
I’d like to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. I can understand why she told a white lie, she did it from a place of kindness, attempting to relate to you and make you feel better even if it was misguided.
Also, considering what she told you originally- is it completely a lie? perhaps the feelings she shared about herself post-divorce were true, and she had felt all that – but then left out some details (now I’m going to speculate) which she may have done because of her previous experience with men and how society teaches women never to appear more sexually active/experienced than our male partners.
Yes, she has lied to you and if it eats you inside, just leave. The real question you should be asking yourself is why are you so hurt, why after only two weeks, before you even had sex with her, you find yourself so overly emotionally invested into this woman. You’ve been literally picturing a relationship with her already, before knowing if she’s even worth it. This indicates that you are lacking self confidence and self respect as a man. Woman can sense this and it’s not attractive. It also causes your psychological blocks during sex. Work on this instead, good luck!
honesty, honesty and more honesty! there is nothing that can’t be explained, understood and forgiven if we are honest with each other. surely that is the true foundation for a healthy, mutually supportive, safe, respectful and growing relationship. honest vulnerability, and a created safe space for both of you are what allows us to actually grow and trust in this new and amazing thing we are creating together.
The physical stuff works itself out again, with honesty and vulnerability. so many of us don’t know how to do this, and hopefully, we want to learn. books, counseling, even youtube videos can help us to grow and change into our best selves. but not everyone can or wants to do that. only you know the truth of your situation. you sound like a good guy who is ready for a loving, and safe connection. keep that goal and see if this woman can do that, otherwise like I say – keep that goal and wait for the universe to send the right lady who also wants and can do, these amazing and beautiful things with you
I feel the previous men were flings. As she had no intention of an emotional connection, there was no need for her to be afraid or hesitant about intimacy. If she was emotionally interested in you, there was always a greater “threat” of becoming emotionally vulnerble and hurt, hence the probability that perhaps she needed more time to be comfortable in intimacy with you.
My opinion is that she did some experimenting after her divorce. Maybe it was fun. Probably it was really scary and barely enjoyable. Then she meets someone she actually likes, and she feels relieved that she can be honest about being scared and not ready to have sex with someone newly important to her. She shouldn’t have lied, but I think she felt that leaving those flings out was more true to her actual feelings about dating and sex then trying to explain the whole story, especially if she didn’t know if you would judge her or pressure her because she did it with these other guys.
Maybe she was trying to make you feel better?
She was meeting you where you were at the time and wanted to make it work with you. Maybe she did feel that way at the end of her marriage, but relationships with other guys ‘helped’ her.
This was all before you met. Have Grace maybe go to counseling session together.
I completely understand how you feel. Coming out of a long marriage and moving into the physically intimate aspect of a new relationship for the first time with another woman can bring a lot of anxiety. Finding a partner in the same situation and of a similar mindset can be refreshing and relieve a lot of that anxiety. However, realizing that partner mislead you about her particular situation not only brings back that initial anxiety, but adds an additional layer.
In the spirit of giving her the benefit of the doubt, I can understand why she mislead you. Was it wrong? Yes. Could it have been out of consideration for a future relationship with you? Most likely. There’s a principal called mirroring. When you present yourself very similar to another person, in a sense “mirroring” them, it builds trust. It creates a sense of comfort and understanding between the two of you. Professionals will do it in negotiations to create trust and achieve agreement. Most people do it without even realizing it when new relationships are forming. That’s where discreet white lies come in. Anything that doesn’t reflect well is subconsciously (sometimes consciously) left out. I’m assuming that’s what happened here.
Building trust is hard. Repairing broken trust is even harder. However, this happening sooner rather than later in your relationship puts you in a unique position to rebuild trust stronger than ever. I’m only speculating, but considering you mentioned her coming out of an abusive marriage and feeling unattractive, she was probably seeking validation. After developing feelings for you and mirroring your situation, she left that fling out probably embarrassed. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful releases we can offer someone. With that comes understanding. Putting yourself in her position and understanding why she did what she did. Forgiveness is intentional and resolute. It’s power is felt by both people, when given and received. It’s your way of releasing her (and yourself) from the anxiety of this misleading lie.
If you decide to offer her forgiveness, communication will be the second part of building unbreakable trust going forward. Genuine, open and honest communication. Let her know that communicating with you is a safe place. You will never judge her and she never has to feel embarrassed with you. Rebuilding trust can be more compelling than the initial creation of it in the first place. That’s because it takes effort and most importantly forgiveness.
I know it hurts and shakes you emotionally. But, releasing her from the guilt of the lie will help ease the anxiety it brings to you as well. In the end, it might create a deeper bond and bring you even closer together as a couple.
Wishing you the best buddy.