My Father is currently dying of liver and kidney failure. He was my best friend and rock for 20 years. We used to spend almost every day together, we would talk about everything and had all these inside jokes. The more I think about it, the more I realize nobody else knows me like he does. It feels like I was robbed of decades with my best friend all because of alchohol dependency. I’m sure many of you have gone through similar situations. I’m only 20, how can I move on with such a large figure in my life suddenly gone?
Edit: My Father passed away early this morning. Thank you for all the support.
32 comments
My condolences, first of all.
As to how to deal with it, there’s no good way. Talk to him as much as you can while he can (he will stop being able to communicate well as the process goes on, so don’t waste any time until then, take every minute you can while you’ve got it).
Think about the time you had, not the time you lost/don’t get. Spend as much time getting close with the rest of your family too, you’ll need them.
I’m sorry for your impending loss.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Some little things that have helped me after the loss of my little brother was seeking comfort in the happy memories I had of us and talking to him in my head. Im not going to lie to you and tell you how smooth and easy the grieving process is, its messy and sometimes can feel unbearable but and i didnt believe this at the time but it does in fact get easier. Do not try and rush your grief or your feelings just surround yourself with loved ones/friends/happy memories and just know that as long as you have memories of your dad and love for him in your heart then they are never truly gone.
Everyone grieves differently, so no one can really tell you what to do. But, you will grieve, so let it happen. Over the next few years there will be times when you will feel tremendous pain, let it happen. If you find someone who can just sit with you during those times, be grateful.
Also, you might want to consider Al Anon given the circumstances. You don’t want to pick up this habit that took your father.
Im sorry to hear that, i feel for you. Life is unfair, but this is also part of life. Have your moment of grief, have your friends around you to help pick you up. But understand that you cannot stop living for yourself as well and crumble. Your father wouldn’t want you to… would he? Youre young. Youre getting a hard kick to the soul. Honor the man you respect before you, now and after he passes by being the best you that you can be and live a happy life. Im sure its is what he would wish for you. I bet he understands your sorrow as well. 1 day at a time, like every day youve ever lived, my friend.
Allow yourself to be sad. And mad. And whatever else comes up. Talk to the doctors or nurses and find out about grief counseling.
Wishing you peace
From someone who has lost their dad as a teenager. The best way I’ve found is to buy a nice blank sketch book for friends and family to write stories in. No matter how small and silly you will get to read/hear things you never knew about them. It helped me a lot with dealing with his death in the first few weeks and months after, and it’s still nice to go back to now over 10 years on.
I lost my mother to cancer in September. At the same time it was a surprise and wasn’t. I has been dreading that day for years because I was certain I couldn’t manage life without her. When it actually happened, it didn’t brother me nearly as much as I thought it would. I was literally at work the next day like nothing happened. I’ve had my grief and there have been difficult moments but I have almost been in auto pilot since that day, just going forward. Everything has just gone by so fast. I sometimes question my own emotions because to this day I still haven’t has a big breakdown that I was anticipating. It’s almost like her being gone just instantly became the new reality and I moved on.
This has been my way of dealing with it. No doubt you’ll find yours.
My dad passed away of the same thing on Aug 2020. He was by far my favorite person to grace this earth. Loved that man to death.
I cried for two weeks straight after his passing, even now I’ll see a random picture of him and start tearing up.
It sucks dude, but trust, eventually you’ll have sallow that grief. Life must go on, and you’ll have your own kids some day.
Death comes to us all man. Do what is normal. Greave, accept, move on. Never forget though, always remember him.
Im every sorry you are going thru that brother, I dont have much to offer but this-I wish you nothing but the best in the future and during the grieving process
I’ll tell you what, you ain’t gonna find your answer on Reddit. Go spend time with him. It’ll all sort itself out in the end and you’ll handle it in your own way. Don’t worry about what hasn’t happened yet.
Life is a hard teacher. The exam comes first. The lesson comes afterwards.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFUilP8grFQ watch this, helped me when my father died
I lost my father when i was 17…it took me around 3-4 months to come out of this it’s just that you have to accept reality but if you want to cry just do it don’t stop your tears
Best of luck.ore power to you and your father
It’s part of life’s journey. Take a lot of time on your own to process it think of the good times and think of how our own lives are going to come to an end and how it will affect our nearest and dearest. Think of your own future and how overcoming hardship will make you a better person to help other people that are in hardship.
Be strong bud
How bizarre, I’m in the same boat as you mate! Just today I received a call that my father is on his last legs, tomorrow I’m heading to the airport to fly up and see him. I know the first thing I’m gonna do is just go up and give him a big hug and just talk to him about anything and everything. If I were you, integrate as many of those inside jokes you possibly can, and make sure the both of you are laughing as much as you’re both capable of! Who doesn’t love a good laugh? With the time you have left, make it pleasant and memorable. Make the best with what you two have, and never forget it.
As for the inevitable deep sleep, don’t sugarcoat it. Accept the fact that he’s passed now. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing! He’s finally free of all pain and suffering, and that he lives perfectly healthy and able in your memories as he ever has! Just because he isn’t here in the present doesn’t mean he isn’t present in your past. He gave you the gift of life, plenty of cherished memories, and a whole lot of love for you, mate. That’s now worth more than anything this world can ever produce, so you can provide that same amount of worth to others. Become the hero your father was to you, to everyone else in your life as well. Be the best son, brother, friend, work colleague, neighbour, etc. Your community is just as important as yourself, and they’re gonna be there to help you through this trying time. I’m a similar age to you as well, being 22, but that means you’re gonna have a whole lot of time afterwards to be the man you’ve always dreamed of with the blueprints and instructions your father left with you.
If you can take anything away from this, be the best person you can possibly be, and know that all the pain and sadness will pass and be replaced with more quality to add to yourself too. And as always, be with your loved ones so you don’t forget love and joy exist.
Focus on the good times and good things he taught you. Endeavor to plant and pass along those things to others so his memory lives on. All the bad stuff? Remember we are flawed creatures, forgive and bury the bad stuff with him.
I don’t know. My father is also gonna die in the next few weeks and I have not the slightest idea how to deal with it.
Well. You’re not alone. Which is weird to say, because you are somehow alone with this. I definitely feel like I’m in some way, completely on my own with this question. I can’t answer it. How am I gonna deal with this? The fuck I know.
It’s tough.
But we’re gonna do it. It’s something almost everyone has to go through and they mostly manage so I think we’ll be OK.
I’m gonna miss him real bad though.
PS: I got myself a therapist. You should do the same. This is gonna hit hard and affect us for a LONG time. My main mode of processing is to bury stuff and avoid thinking about it, and that’s no healthy.
Only cure is going to be time friend. Sorry for your situation.
Hey mate, unsure if you’ll see this.
I lost my Dad 6 and a bit months ago to terminal brain cancer. I spent that last month with him (he had a stroke, so we knew it was coming), at our family home. Feeding him, talking to him. Shaved and bathed him. Talked to him about the news. Talked to him about his travels, life and his proudest moments. Holding vigil is quite exhausting and you will see changes in family members as they and yourself, experience pre processing of grief, even with him being here. There are some things you can do that will take on significant meaning to yourself and your family, while he is still here and even more so once he has gone.
The biggest things of impact during this time for any member on their last stretch;
Play him his favourite music; my Dad loved Fleetwood Mac. I didn’t get do this but I wished I had.
Tell him how much you love him. Have those conversations. Even if you’re both crying (do not suppress it, let it come out).
Laugh with him. Sneak the extra sponge of fluid to him (mine couldn’t swallow very well). If he starts hullicinating or has waking dreams, let him take you on that journey. I’m Australian, my Dad is Scottish and we were both on the tube heading north to Loch Loman in Scotland to go fishing, at 1800 on a Sunday night from Australia.
Have those moments, because it is envitably going to vanish.
Tell him his contribution, his efforts and input are perfect. Nothing could be done better. Thank him for his lessons. He has created value beyond himself, sharing in your triumphs and dusting you off/picking you back up from your failures and finally;
Hold his hand. Especially when the coma/death rattling starts. He can still hear, regardless of his lack of movement. Talk to him and keep telling him you love him and that it’s all okay. Tell him about your proudest moments with him. Hopefully this will help him dream about those times and the joy he had with you.
His breathing will slow, with large pauses inbetween. Finally, if the medication is enough, he will sigh and that will be it.
My Dad passing gave me great relief. His suffering was over. He looked peacefully asleep.
Next step you can do after that, having the honour of assisting the dieners with dressing him and assisting him to the funeral home. You’ll be grateful for doing this later on, as this man brought you into this world and you’re helping him on his way out.
You may be involved further in the planning of his funeral, chasing down videos from distanced relatives and friends that can’t physically make it. This will be important on the day, as this is to proceed communal send off. Planning his plaque or grave plot. Its expensive, but will be done to last the ages. It also offers a place you can go to commune with him and derive comfort. It does matter, so make sure it reflects your father.
The hardest bit for me, was the eulogy. How do you write something that encompasses how great a person was, for such a short time frame. Reality is, you can’t, but whatever you write will be enough, as long as you speak from the heart. While not everyone is fond of Jordan Peterson, one of his statements really stuck aith me that day.
Be the man, your father would want you be, at his funeral. Be the one that people can lean on. Time to do him proud and take that legacy forward. Expect significant changes in your family dynamic, particularly if your father was a significant pillar. Mine hasn’t recovered and has fragmented significantly since his passing.
In terms of living after it; just remember his life lessons. Remember the good times. Keep some form of pattern in your day to day life. That realistiation that no one else will know you the same; I describe it as Loss of Sanctuary. You’ll never have that with anyone else, bar your own children some day. Save his voice mails, have a folder of every photo you can find of him. In his youth, in his prime, at his best and finally, any of them with just the two of you. Those are the most special ones of all. You’ll find those are the best conversation pieces too. They will have stories attached 🙂
I got my Dads Watch and a few other items (flag that was on his coffin etc). These are items that I upkeep, along with his values. It all still hurts, but you’ll adjust to it slowly. I actually got to reflect on how much time I had gotten with him since his initial diagnosis 4 years ago. I left the military and started a new job, moved back interstate and uprooted my life to be there. It didn’t sink it as worth it, until after the funeral day.
I won’t talk to the other challenges, but birthdays, Fathers Day, Christmas etc, were all very difficult. I ended up eating his fave food on those days and would enjoy a cider with my dinner. That’s how I’m remembering him, from now on.
Edited; due to the depth of what I wanted to convey. To be honest, I’m still crying.
Edited 2x: RIP to OPs Father. May you take comfort in him achieving peace, at the end of great sufferance.
I lost my dad on Dec 10th in 2022. I’m 26, i lost him 10 days after my birthday. By far the most important person in the world to me. Spent 50 days in the hospital. It is still heartbreaking. The pain and void doesn’t go away.
But here’s what helped. My dad’s birthday is on the 1st January. We had a small party for him. Had a memory booth where people can write down memories about him. I spoke about him and encouraged people to speak about him if they wanted to. About 50 close and friends came. Almost everybody spoke about him in the nicest way ever.
It doesn’t take away the pain but it helps in sharing what an amazing person he is.
im sorry you’re going through this, i dont have any advice for you but you’re really strong and i hope you cope better. he seems like a lovely dad and im sure he’s very proud of you. sending you loads of hugs
You need good people around you. Don’t shut them out.
Ooh. Fuck.
Lost my Dad about your age. He was closer to me than anyone in the world.
I can’t really remember the two years after that as I was drunk and drugged out of my mind. It was too painful for me.
Don’t do what I did. Do the good advice on here man.
Spend whatever time you possibly can with him. Ask him whatever questions you’ve been holding back on (within reason), as you’ll never have a chance to ask. If you believe it’s not appropriate, then just simply talking to him will be just as meaningful since you will never, ever hear his voice again.
When the time comes, it’s going to be one of the longest and most painful moments of your life. No one can sugarcoat just how brutal the process is going to be, especially the younger you are.
With that said, there’s no doubt it’s possible to get through it all. But that’ll depend on you. The best advice I can give is to take all the time you need to not just go through the 5 Stages (of Grief), but also ask yourself the following:
1) What would your father want for you in life?
2) What do you want in life?
The above will reinforce the reality we’ve all known deep inside all along: Life is so damn short, so make the most of it wherever you can while not forgetting the ones we love along the way.
This will only make sense once it’s all said and done. With sincerity, please take care.
🤗 I feel for you brother.
Be there as much as you can for him and the people who love him.
There’s no way for you to know how you are going to feel. All of it is ok … It’s all yours and your dad is ok with whatever you’ve got going on. He loves you so much ans he’s proud of you.
Feel what you feel. Cry if you need to. Tell him you love him even if he’s unconscious. Kiss him. Hold his hand. Tell him the what you remember of the things you love about.
Make sure he’s not worried about you or the rest of his village.
Love you father. Honour you Chief. Take care of your village. Hold onto the love and lessons, take your time to grieve and the take on your future knowing that your dad approves and supports you. He is always proud of you. He’ll be part of you and your history.
I know this because I am a son and a father to a son.
It’ll be ok, son.
I’m not a man, but I am a nurse, who specializes in long term care and palliation. I spend a lot of time with the dying, and their families, and everyone handles the process differently.
What I would encourage you to do, is spend as much time as you can with your dad. You didn’t say what his condition is like, if he’s conscious or lucid still. Even if he’s no longer awake, stay with him. Talk to him. Play his favourite music. Stay involved in his care, and advocate for his comfort whenever you need to. If he is awake, and feeling up to it, have a chat. Reminisce and tell stories. Ask him for whatever advice you need. Make arrangements, talk to him about his wishes. Say your goodbyes. These last few days will be unbearable, but it will be so much easier to heal from if you know you gave him everything you could in his last days.
Losing a parent is never easy, but knowing that you helped to make sure his time came with comfort, dignity, and respect, will be the thing you cling to.
I have a recording of my Dad’s voice. He’s been gone almost 6 years now. Every now and then I play it. It helps.
Time does help. It’s more bittersweet than sad now. I smile more at my memories more than cry.
Do not rush the grieving process. We all have different ways to cope. You do whatever helps you. It’s a process and it takes time. Support groups may help if you find yourself unable to move forward. The “year of 1st’s” is the hardest.
The best gift I did for myself and my Dad was to keep living. To keep traveling. To keep learning. And to try my best to be the person my Dad saw when he looked at me. Give yourself the time grace to get there.
I’m so sorry, OP. My thoughts to you and your family.
My mom passed away five years ago. I have just taken one day at a time. I would say do the thing you like to do. Getting you time would be good for you.
One day at a time my friend. My dad passed 14 years ago and I spend time with him almost every day still.
At first you’ll be in shock, so it won’t seem real but eventually over the course of a week or two it will start to become real. Every morning you wake up or will be fresh and you’ll relive it again. Tons of things will trigger the desire to reach out, share something good or bad. Maybe you’ll seek advice, but remember he’s gone. That will always be a punch to the gut.
Watch out for dreams and just keep your head up. It’s someone we ask have to face.
Someone will need to be the executor of the estate. We hired a lawyer for that. Bills may be due and debt needs paid.
The funeral home makes their party ready if there’s a way to pay.
I’m very sorry, it’s not an easy ride. Find a therapist or a friend that’s been there before and do be afraid to share, vent and cry.
Tell him you love him.
Relive some memories.
Say goodbye.
I lost my dad at 30, and still miss him just as much 5 years later. It will suck and it will hurt but there is very little to do about it.
Good luck. And sorry for your loss
I lost my dad almost 25 years ago when I was in my 20’s. I still miss him all the time. As I reflect back, I was just barely a grown up when he died. I didn’t have my life together and I missed out on having a grown up relationship with him. I wish I could get his opinion on so much. He was the kind of guy that everyone in our extended family reached out to for opinions on stuff.
I’ve suffered other losses in life since and it doesn’t get easier. Losing someone you love is awful. Yes, it’s part of life, but it always sucks.
In my case, being around my dad as he got sicker and then died, did help the grieving process. Some people lose their loved ones suddenly. Car accidents, drop dead of a heart attack, suicides, murder, etc. Being able to spend time with someone as they near the end of their life is a gift really. One that not everyone gets and I do feel greatful that I got to spend time with my dad knowing his journey was coming to an end. It allowed me to get some perspective and to start to get used to the idea.
I also recently learned that the stages of grief that people talk about, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, were originally used to describe the phases that someone dying goes through, NOT those of us left behind. Expecting that you will go through these phases in a linear way, start to finish, and then somehow be done is not realistic. Grief takes on many forms and, at least for me, I have been forever changed by it.
Be kind to yourself. Don’t feel that you have to Saint your dad. You can be mad about stuff or remember bad times too. It’s ok to remember him as a human being with flaws. I’d also say that trying to dull the pain with drugs, alcohol, sex, food, whatever, never really works. It just defers it until you are sober. You do need to go through it, not around it.