i (19f) have a stepdad (55m) who is pretty cool. he married my mom back in 2020 after they’d been dating for a few years, and honestly i don’t think she could’ve found a better person. he takes care of my mom & makes her happy, puts food on our table, he makes quite a bit of money so we don’t have to worry anymore (and has managed to take our family on vacations that i would’ve never dreamed of experiencing), and is just all-around an enjoyable presence.
now for some context: my parents divorced when i was 7, and my dad remarried (added a stepmom and much-older stepbrother into the picture) when i was 11. i won’t go into detail, but the stepfamily caused me to develop PTSD and a serious fear of touching men in my family. because of that, the thought of physically touching my stepdad makes my brain shudder. i only did it on my own accord once – i mustered up my courage and gave him a handshake – but the immediate panic and icky feeling afterwards were not fun.
TO CLARIFY: i’m not asking for help with my trauma – it’s already being worked on and my stepdad is very aware of it. i’m only asking for what i can do to show him my appreciation. any other advice is unneeded, but i appreciate the concern!
so, TLDR: i want to show my stepdad that i appreciate him. i already say ‘thank you’ way too much, and a simple hug isn’t an option (i feel like a thank-you involving physical contact would show him i really mean it, but i sadly just can’t)… what do y’all suggest?
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Nothing chokes my husband up more than to be given a Father’s Day card from my now grown son who my husband helped raise.
I mean, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been put in a situation where men aren’t exactly a safe space for you.
But maybe try doing a few things that he likes hobbies etc. As he knows about your issue with contact maybe spend time I dunno fishing or whatever hobby he has and taking time to learn skills from him, talk about life advice and actually listen to him and his company.
If one thing I can 100% attest to as a 29M. I love it whenever my niece spends time with me listening to my anecdotes, paying attention to my hobbies etc. (I dont have a favourite, nor would i ever show it but she definitely is out of them all!) we guys like to be able to support those around us and in our family, so even if you have like a “daddy daughter” night every now and then go for a movies and dinner or whatever that would mean so much to him no doubt.
As a step parent:
Words are perfectly fine. That said, considering what you’ve said, I imagine he knows just how much that hand shake meant and it probably means more to him than you will ever know.
Beyond that? Idk, my kids are a bit younger than you. But really, anything. One of my most treasured possessions is the first drawing one of my kids did of us as a family.
The method doesn’t matter, so much as what’s being expressed. Find how you can communicate that feeling in a way that’s meaningful to you, and it will be meaningful to him.
Writing a letter for his birthday or Father’s Day or something is always a good idea but if you want to do something smaller I think verbally thanking people more is always nice. Not just saying thanks and moving on but making it be more involved than that. Also if there is something small you can do to make his life easier I think that’s always nice as well. Like picking up a treat he likes or making his favorite for dinner or offering to take care of a chore he usually does one week.
A card? His favorite dinner? A scrapbook of all the family times you spent together? A bonus dad gift (Etsy has a ton of options)?
A handwritten letter expressing how you feel about him and what he means to you will bring that man to tears. Maybe in the letter tell him you wish you could hug him. Since he knows and respects your boundaries, he will know how special that is for you to feel, even if you can’t.
Show him this post.
Older generations really appreciate a card out of the blue in the mail.
Write him a letter and get him something he likes with it
Handshakes suck, trust me. People don’t wash their hands.
I broke my wrists and couldn’t shake hands, so I would tap elbows instead. You can keep a distance and have fun at the same time.
It can also be something just between you 2.
It’s hard to say without knowing more about your relationship, so I’m just going to throw out a few ideas and see if anything sticks.
There are the obvious larger things you could ask if he would be okay with, like adult adoption, calling him dad, or taking his surname.
> i’m not asking for help with my trauma – it’s already being worked on and my stepdad is very aware of it.
To touch on this specifically. If possible, make the ability to be comfortable giving him another handshake a targeted goal of your recovery. He would understand and appreciate the significance of the effort even if it ended up being an unreachable goal.
You said you say ‘thank you’ a lot, make sure these are meaningful by including why you are thankful or some way whatever it is has benefited you.
One last idea is to take this post and rewrite it in a letter to him. Let him know you appreciate him so much and hope he never doubts that even when the context of your past prevents you from being able to show it in more traditional ways.
Write him a letter, express all your feelings, appreciation, gratitude and love. You could give it to him on his birthday or father’s day, even out of the blue. Maybe arrange a fun activity for the two of you and give him the letter then, or read it to him, and he can keep it afterwards. That way when he reads it he can hear you in his memory reading it. Idk some ideas
“thanks Dad”
Can you cook or bake? Do you know something he enjoys? I’d just make him something. You can tell him or give him a card that explains that it’s a token of your appreciation for all he has done for your family and for being and all-around great guy.
Does he do something for you that you can do in kind?
Write a thank-you for being in our lives note.
Well, what does your stepfather like? Because it’s the easiest way to show affection/appreciation if you take part in it with him. If he loves fishing ask to go with him and maybe buy a couple of cool bobbers or spinners. If he loves hiking ask to join on his favourite trail ect.
What does he likeie if he likes fishing…take him fishing. I think quality time together is always the greatest gift.
Take note of what he like the most and treat him on Father’s Day. For example you could make him breakfast or whatever.
Echoing others, di somethibg with him he likes but also, just chat with him and get to know him as a person.
If you can you can also get him a mug with a nice picture of your family to have a work, maybe when you are all doing something together.
Good luck working on your PSTD you are doing well getting it addressed.
A card for sure.
Well you got me crying and I’m just a dad, not stepdad, of 19 and 21F.
So I’ve taken a step daughter in for the last 3 years now and I can tell you without a doubt the most important thing for me is to be acknowledged in any sort of parental way
Now you’re a little older so this may not be as appropriate but anything ti words ti a gift of him being “fatherly” I’m sure will mean the absolute world to him
Father’s day card, even just letting him know what he’s dome for you and he will melt I’m sure of it
Personally, my love language is acts of service. To show someone I love them I do one of their chores, cook for them, go pick something up for them, etc.
Tell him you love him. It sounds like you do.
Words of appreciation and thoughtful gifts. You do not ever need to be physical with him to show you love him. My family isn’t a physical one, we only briefly hug to say goodbye or thank you per example but we show love through words and gifts.
I relate a little bit to your story. Parents divorced when I was 5, my mother met a good man and they were together for like 15 years. I grew up with my dad and my sister grew up living with my mom and the stepfather. She still lives with the stepfather even after my mom and him broke up, he’s still in our lives and has always treated us like we are his daughters. He even helps my sister with her own daughter and is quite literally her number 1 male figure in her life. He’s an amazing man and we are incredibly grateful to have him in our lives. On Christmas in 2020, I gifted him a keychain that read “We may not have your genes but you chose to love us as your own & for that you are forever our hero ♥”. We cried when he read it out and it was a beautiful moment. This year my sister also wrote him a beautiful and emotional card and we cried again lol. These moments we cherish and will remember forever.
Do you call him dad?
Write him a letter to let him know how much you appreciate him and how you feel about him. Or do the same but write it in a nice greeting card. A blank one or one that has room for your message.
Man, there’s almost no wrong way to tell him. Write it in his next birthday card. Give him a card now, without waiting for his birthday. Just take him aside and tell him. Try not to cry. Don’t be shocked if he cries.
Maybe you could talk to him about a “substitute hug” like a specific gesture to express that you would have liked to hug him in that moment. (Something like tugging your ear, touching your nose, clapping your own shoulder) That way you create a special thing just between you two, can express a connection or special moment without delay or searching for words and he can return it in a safe boundary.
People use physical touch to express all sorts of sentiments, like padding on the shoulder for a job well done, putting an arm around somebody to show support or patting an arm for sympathy. The “substitute hug” gesture could be symbolic for all of them, basically filled with all sentiments one would usually express with physical touch when words fail us or aren’t needed.
Write him a letter with how you feel and buy him some of his favourite snacks or treats if you have money to do so. Step parents are sometimes the best people in our lives.
Edit for spelling.
Bake a cake for him in a flavour you know he likes. That’s something that makes me incredibly happy. Also a letter of appreciation maybe?
It is old fashioned, but try writing him a letter. List all the things you are thankful for and you appreciate.
That’s what i would do, and have done in the past with my late dad. I am not always the best in spoken words, so i opted to write him a letter. He kept it all these years, i found it again in his things after his passing.
Spend quality time with him. Join him for an activity he enjoys and let him teach you about it.
Take him out for lunch or coffee
Just tell him
Probably depends on what’s he’s like. Think about how he demonstrates he cares to others and do that for him
I think it’s absolutely wonderful that you want to express to this man how much you appreciate him.
It makes me very sad for you, and him, that you aren’t able to hug him. Hugs can be very healing and emotionally connect people in ways words alone can not. But I understand (as best I can) that there are reasons why you can’t, and that you are actively working on those issues.
So instead, do what you CAN do. Spend time with him, show interest in him. Ask questions about him growing up and things he experienced in life, before he met any of you. Do things with him, go shopping with him, or to the movies. Treat him to his favorite restaurant. If you cook or bake, make something you know he loves.
Sometimes the EFFORT put into showing you care is what matters most.
And finally, be sure to put your words and thoughts on paper. Being able to see the words, feel the paper in your hand, makes things so much more real. It’s in writing, that can be kept forever, and read over and over again. It’s the emotional connection between the writer and the recipient.
Express how it makes you feel that he’s in your life. Use words more than simply thank you. Give specific examples of things he’s done that made an impact on you. For example, you mentioned going on vacations you wouldn’t have been able to go on without him being in your life. You could say not only do you appreciate being included in the vacation, but you could mention specific things you remember about the place you went, or certain things that happened while you were there. Such as “I loved that you took us to Italy on vacation. It was a wonderful trip, a beautiful place to visit. The day we went on the tour or visited this place, or did this activity was such fun and I will never forget that trip. Remember that great restaurant, remember that great food or amazing dessert. Remember when mom did that silly thing and how we all giggled at her.” All these words not only thank him, but they show what that vacation MEANT to you.
I hope having your step dad in your life is healing for you. It seems like he’s made a difference in your life, and that you recognize that fact. Good luck on your attempts to convey what your heart wants to say.