I have been with my husband for 11.5 years. Only married for a year & a half. Our relationship has always been difficult & had problems. I am the one wanting to leave. After 11 years he finally agreed to go to counseling & that has been very difficult. He says it is because I can’t see the way I have treated him so badly and refuse to admit that I am wrong.
We constantly go over the things we have done over the past 11 years & I am tired of it. He says we need to talk about them until they are resolved but I don’t know how that is supposed to happen. If something happened 10 years ago & I have apologized, what else is needed?
I told him that I can’t keep rehashing the past. That it feels like it’s just an hour or more of him telling me what a shitty person I am. I am a majorly depressed person already & that just makes it worse.
I told him a week ago that if we can compromise I am willing to work things out. But we have to stop going over every incident. We need to talk about the big issues- he feels like I talk down to him – and not all of the things that have made him feel that way. And we have to be willing to wipe the slate clean & give each other a fresh chance.
It was a nice week. Today we went on a date. On the drive home he wanted to talk about us. He started talking about all of the incidents & said our relationship is a dictatorship & he won’t deal with that anymore. He was talking for 20 minutes with me saying nothing. Then he asked what I had to say. I told him that it seems like there is no letting go & I thought that was what we agreed on. He said no, that’s what I said. And he says I yelled, I may have raised my voice a little but I did not yell. And I said I don’t know what you want.
So he got mad, said he is tired of me yelling at him. Pulled over & got out of the car. We were 10 miles from home & he started walking. I tried to talk to him, to get him to get in the car. He screamed at me on the side of the road. But he has health issues & I can’t just drive off & let him walk 10 miles.
I wound up having my stepson come pick him up since he would not get in the car with me & we haven’t spoken since.
My problem at this point is to figure out if I need to commit to what I said a week ago – that I would try to work things out. Or do I just call it quits at this point?
34 comments
You both not compatible, end everything and move on with your life … this incompatibility will destroy you more the more you stay in this relationship.
It sounds like he’s holding onto the past and the resentment he has has grown very deep. Nothing can be fixed if he’s refusing to truly let go. He doesn’t have to forget, but he needs to move forward, which even if he says he’ll do that, he really won’t, because he can’t.
You didn’t really provide any information on your shortcomings, but that’s ok. It’s not really needed.
I think at this point, you’re both better off without each other.
This is literally why people go to counseling. To figure out how to communicate and move forward.
You’re so close, why not do the couple counseling and see how it goes.
Quits.
Typical Reddit comments… solution is always leave….
You say you’ve been together for 11.5 years and it’s been bad for 11 of those years…. Why are y’all together? Why did you get married?
What are these issues he’s holding on to?
You’d probably benefit from individual counseling.
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Honestly you arent giving us enough context to be able to guess if the problem here is you or him. If the issues he is bringing up are simple things like you said something hurtful or whatever then yeah, he is super toxic for bringing it up all the time. But on the other hand if the things he is bringing up are something along the lines of you cheating then it might be more understandable he is having a hard time getting past it.
Anything can be fixed if you are both willing to set aside your emotions and face the problem together as a team. If the counselor you are seeing isn’t working try another one. I would cut my losses but that’s me, if you want to work on this it will take a lot of hard work and effort but it is possible.
You admit no shortcomings in your post, only that he should let go of the past. We can’t say if he’s being petty or if you really have a problem of bulldozing your way through the relationship, but your presentation does not make you look nice.
In an effort to further clarify your situation, would you be willing to share your, let’s say, five worst arguments, at least from his point of view? What is he usually complaining about?
Also, have you actually *listened* to him, or are you simply hearing him speaking, saying “sorry” and committing the exact same mistakes?
sounds like you’re trying to rugsweep everything and force him to move on so that you don’t have to take any responsibility. I’m inclined to believe he’s not as wrong as you say he is
Often (not always) when someone holds on to past things like this, it’s because those types of situations keep presenting themselves and nothing has been learned along the way. An apology doesn’t solve this. Could this be the case?
Sounds like it’s past times to end this relationship.
The types of issues we have are not things like cheating. His biggest issue is he says that we are not equal, he feels like I don’t respect him & that I treat him badly.
I left a lot out only because it is a lot to process. We have known each other for 20 years. We dated previously & broke up because I did not feel like I could trust him. When we started dating this time, he had recently gotten divorced. He had a lot of anger issues & yelling all the time was normal. To the point of his daughter asking me why daddy yells at me so much. We wound up moving in together because his ex-wife stopped taking the kids. I went from single to full time mom in under a year.
A lot of the things that he has issues with are things that I feel also. Over the course of our relationship I helped him to face some abuse from his childhood & he has calmed down immensely. He is not the person he was. There is a lot of good in him. But he has a rough exterior that makes people think that may not be true.
For years I have listened to family & friends telling me that he mistreats me & I have always defended him. I wanted things to work. I know it should have ended a long time ago & that I stayed for the wrong reasons… Kids etc.
Some of you could be correct that similar issues occur & that is why he feels an apology isn’t valid. But I don’t believe that is typically the case. For instance, I slammed a door once a few years ago & that is brought up frequently.
Happy to answer any questions & explain more. Just did not want to write a novel on my 1st post.
This man must truly love you to suffer 11 years of this.
Mmmm something is off if a discussion is him monologuing for 20 minute and if you get anything in there it’s declared yelling.
Saying you are sorry and then act badly doesn’t resolve anything. He seems tired of your behavior. You probably need to work on yourself with therapy and take accountability for some behaviors that might be toxic.
What did the therapist say? It sounds like you aren’t really hearing your husband. Maybe you should at least separate as you are at an impasse. Time apart may release the tension and make it easier to work on the issues separately
Fuck off with that “clean slate” bullshit. Things happened, you cant make them un-happen.
Please stop with that forgive and forget stuff, it does not work that way. If you forget, how will you learn? Why the fuck would you want to forget why you have forgiven someone?
I dont know the full story, but if I had to answer your question, I think you are a big part of the problem. You cant force people to move on, you have to allow them to do that shit on their own time. Some people just need to vent their problems, sometimes they need to tell them to the people who are responsible for those problems.
Sometimes people just need to be heard. Your husband needs to be heard and you are just purposely not hearing him.
I wish you the best, but you need a whole lot of more counseling if you have a mindset like this
>If something happened 10 years ago & I have apologized, what else is needed?
Cause most people need more than a meagre apology
You two need therapy quickly. Good luck, I have more questions tbay suggestions aside from go directly to counseling, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
An apology without change is manipulation. The only time I’ve heard phrases like “clean slate” and “let go of the past” is from people who have done and continue to do shitty things.
He feels you talk down to him. The logical question becomes, “What do I do that makes you feel that way?” To which the predictable answer becomes something along the lines of, “That time that such and such happened. ” You know… giving examples to establish understanding. There is no way to “work on things” or move forward without discussing past grievances.
And those grievances cannot be passified with an “I’m sorry.” It’s gonna take self reflection, monitoring your volume, and taking full responsibility for your treatment of him with no “buts”. It means not trying to justify your actions, not trying to defend yourself instead of taking ownership.
From your attitude it seems you feel like because it happened in the past it’s become irrelevant. If that was the case PTSD wouldn’t exist. “I said sorry, what else is needed?” Change, change is needed. He needs you to stop and recognize that you are talking down to him and fix your behavior. It’s not in the past if it’s still happening in the present. He keep talking about it all because you haven’t been listening to communicate only to pacify.
Based on the limited information provided here, I can really only say that yes, you are the problem.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say yes, it’s you who is the problem.
Divorced are a big deal, but they aren’t always final. If you are having doubts, consider a trial separation of 1 year. Split up your assets before hand.
By being apart for a year, it’ll reset how you frame the other person in your mind, it’ll give you time to do some personal therapy to get to know who you are outside of a failing marriage, and if you’re up for it, see if you enjoy dating again.
A lot of people stay in terrible marriages because they lack strong relationships outside of it.
OP, when you’re in the pattern and cycle of toxic relationship it’s really hard to break from it. If your counselor is good, trust them and the process. They can help you slow down, start to focus on one issue at a time, drill down to the real heart of any issues, and start to rebuild trust and connection.
There is a point where both parties do have to forgive and let things lie in the past. However without knowing specifics, none of us can tell if it’s an ongoing issue that needs to be addressed or not.
My main advice from my own experience is, sometimes you have to be the one to lay down your sword and shield to move through the issue. However wronged or vilified you feel, your partner also feels wronged or vilified. One of you has to give the other the opportunity to work through it, without raising your defenses or moving on to what bothers you.
Once they have worked through their issue (meaning not just said it but had time to process it and you’ve both agreed on the path to resolution for it), you can then take your turn to raise what is bothering you.
You also have to start assuming best intentions from the person rather than worst intentions. That they aren’t trying to hurt you or vilify you, but that they feel hurt or vilified. That they want to connect, etc.
Be curious and try and understand where they are coming from. Empathy and compassion. Contrite
where you did something that hurt them.
It is incredibly difficult to do. It is true vulnerability to lay down your defenses even if you feel like they are ‘coming at you.’ But that’s the only way I know of to break the cycle and start to come together.
In my own journey, we were both terrible, both did bad things to the other, etc. at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if one of us was worse than the other, neither of us was good to the other. And if you’re trying to be partners, that’s really what matters.
I also do think it is helpful at a certain point, once you’ve been heard and talked through it, to then let something be. If you’re constantly hashing through it, you’ll never move beyond it. I say this in support of what you shared above, but after you have taken further steps first. You can’t just sweep it under the rug.
Edit: also to add, if you are going to try and work through it, you _have_ to commit to the relationship to do so. Meaning you can’t keep vocalizing or communicating your desire for a divorce or separation. You will absolutely have these thoughts during the process, but keep them to yourself. With time, if you are both working to break the pattern and connect. The thoughts will become less frequent. Once you have some good times in there, some stability, you can also start to remind yourself when you’re feeling that way that the desire to leave is temporary – and often just a way to protect yourself. So either shit (stay) or get off the pot (leave). The bedrock of your relationship should be the knowledge that neither of you will leave when it gets tough. If that foundational trust isn’t there it’s hard to build more above it.
Does it really matter who the problem is if the relationship is like this?
You have quite a way with words, lots of words without actually saying anything. I would be frustrated if I was your therapist and this is indicative of your relationship.
>On the drive home he wanted to talk about us. He started talking about all of the incidents & said our relationship is a dictatorship & he won’t deal with that anymore. He was talking for 20 minutes with me saying nothing. Then he asked what I had to say. I told him that it seems like there is no letting go & I thought that was what we agreed on. He said no, that’s what I said. And he says I yelled, I may have raised my voice a little but I did not yell. And I said I don’t know what you want.
Is it possible he said what he wanted here, and you were not listening to him? He said he doesn’t want a dictatorship and it sounds like you literally turn right around and tell him you did not want to address waht got you into that situation in the first place because you just wanted to let go of everything that happened in the past, which would allow the past where he considers things a dictatorship, to continue on.
On the note of you claiming you raised your voice, I am calling bullshit. I used the same excuse with my wife once, and I rarely raise my voice from the sounds of the standards you use or most people for that matter, but luckily we had a baby camera so we could replay it and I could hear myself. I was able to admit I was yelling, and it has generally prevented me from yelling since. Just because there are different levels of sound, and you classify one as raising your voice and if you really wanted you could make a much louder sound, does not mean that raising of your voice is also not yelling when others hear it. It’s also difficult to truly hear the volume of your own voice.
Have you spoken with him about how thinks can change so that he does not feel like everything is a dictatorship? Is it possible you are too controlling and when you do not have control, then problems occur?
>He says it is because I can’t see the way I have treated him so badly and refuse to admit that I am wrong.
I am sure he has done plenty of things wrong, as you have stated. What things have you done wrong that he thinks you are unable to admit to? Is it possible you are still in denial and that is why you have not even been able to admit to them here? Perhaps he is focusing on individual issues because they are concrete examples of larger issues. Instead of focusing on the actual example, maybe you could try to focus on why that incident is representitive to him of issues that he feels you are unwilling to admit where you are wrong.
The only thing I have been able to deduce from what you said is he feels you are controlling. Perhaps there are a bunch of examples he has where he feels you are too controlling so instead of going over all of them, you can discuss with him how you were too controlling in those situations and how in future situations what you could do differently to allow him to have some say in what is occuring.
>I told him a week ago that if we can compromise I am willing to work things out.
On your side, what are you already sacrificing for him in order to try to make things work?
For the record, I am by no means claiming your husband is innocent in all of this, but you cannot control your husbands actions. You control your actions. Me giving advice on how your husband might be able to change to compromise doesn’t make sense here because this is about what you can change, if you want to. I also think there is a complete lacking of details here to make any real assessment, but at a minimum, a compromise requires BOTH sides to make concessions and I do not believe I have seen anything that is a concession on your end.
Have you tried summarizing what he’s telling you in your own words? He probably wants to feel heard, and currently feels like you always dismiss his perspective. If you take the time to say, “I hear you, you’re telling me XYZ, and it has made you feel ABC”, it signals to him that you really are listening. It’s also a good exercise for you: If you find you can’t empathize with his view and explain it, then perhaps you honestly haven’t been listening.
I think you both may be happier if you separated.
You don’t have to jump straight to divorce. You could always start with a trial separation, to see if some distance improves things.
But I agree with some of the other replies that are questioning why you would get married after 11 hard years. There’s reasonable evidence to indicate that you guys were never going to have a successful marriage unless both of you made changes.
As an outsider looking in, in sounds like you both need to focus on the in the now tasks.
but from what I am gathering you are inflicting new wounds by acting the same way that he expresses himself in therapy. So you really never get ahead,and that is a constant reminder in his face 24/7
Also it appears you guys are hearing each other but you really are not listening to the issues at hand, you both are too defensive. It’s very possible you guys could take some time apart on a good note not after a fight, to remember why you guys have been together for over a decade.
Let me say the single life sucks, and the dating scene is a train wreck and there are worse things than simple marriage tiffs to end a marriage
As a married man myself, I understand the challenges. But being married doesn’t change the up’s and downs of a relationship, being married means becoming stronger on the other side when you passed the storm.
He might be emotionally abusive and trying to frame you as the abuser (which is very common) or you might be in the wrong and not willing to fix it… But you are commenting here so you clearly want to have input which means your most likely not in denial (it’s hard to tell from the post because there wasn’t much context except for him complaining and you being confused 🙂 my genuine genuine advise is to do anything you can to speak to a therapist, because the will here your heart and mind and be able to tell you if you are being manipulated or if you are lacking in some relationship areas. I wish you the best of luck
You deserve to feel safe, happy and loved and understood, please please speak professional advice because this situation seems so confusing for me so you need to feel not confused but safe and heard by a therapist (I know people recommend therapy Al the time and it can be annoying but when you can’t trust your situation that’s what people need) much love and I hope it gets better soon <3
I appreciate all of the comments, advice, etc, even if they are negative. I am really trying to have an open mind & try to see all sides. I know that my post did not have a lot of info on specific incidents. I don’t want to keep going over all of the he said/she said. I feel like I have been doing that for 11 years.
Some of you gave some really good advice. I have told him that I think we should separate in the past, even just for a few weeks, and do some individual counseling sessions. He did not want to do that. I think we both need help. And we have never communicated well. That was why I wanted to go to counseling 6 years ago.
He has never been diagnosed but multiple members of his immediate family are bipolar & I believe he is too. I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. So we definitely both have our own Demons to deal with too.
We got married for the wrong reasons. At least I did. I got a new job & they did not cover domestic partners on health insurance. So that was a big factor in my decision. He was having a lot of health issues & right after we got married he stopped working for several months. The kids are also a big reason. Their mother is not in their lives at all anymore and I have always been the one who protects them when their dad would get really mad. He was harder on our son than our daughter, but I would put a stop to things when they escalated.
He told me recently that he feels like he can’t live without me & that makes me feel like I have to stay. He has said if I leave & don’t take the dog that he’ll put him in the pound. I don’t know if he means it or not but our dog was his first. But he is my baby since I work from home & am with him 24/7. In addition, he is only working part time & cannot afford to take care of the kids on his own. So I feel very obligated to stay.
A lot of things have been said by both of us. 11 years is a long time. It’s not that I don’t want him to tell me how he feels about incidents but I feel like these are things we have talked about repeatedly. Not just once & I apologized. It is hard to listen to it over & over again. I feel like instead of all of these incidents, talk about the bigger issue – why it upset you, how it made you feel & how we can improve it. I am willing to do that. We were talking a few days a week & setting a time limit as well as telling each other our topic in advance. That way it was easier to approach without being defensive & prepared for the topic. I thought that was working, at least for him, but I did not have so many topics I felt I needed to discuss because I have been trying to let go of those things.
Again, thank you all for your perspectives as well.
Honestly based on the wording of this post it sounds like he has a point and a legitimate argument.
Just keep going to therapy. I don’t believe things are as cut and dry as everyone in the comments thinks. For example:
> He says it is because I can’t see the way I have treated him so badly and refuse to admit that I am wrong.
It is possible that he could be right but it is generally considered bad to approach a disagreement in a relationship as right and wrong. In reality it is usually more like my side and their side instead of right amd wrong.
What really speaks to me is the “refuse” part. My SO is extroverted. They need to process things out loud and can be long winded about it. I can go silent once they start because I know what they’re doing so I try to let them. Silence isn’t necessarily what they always want or need in those moments. Sometimes they want me to respond and my silence is taken as a refusal to talk or as a lack of understanding or interest of what is being said.
Reading through your post I found a few spots like that where it sounds like you two just have different understandings and expectations of the situation.
This is the real value of a couples therapist is recognizing and guiding couples through those disconnects.