(Tldr – didn’t graduate college as was raped and too scared to tell him as ashamed of both not graduating and the assault.)
I have been dating him for just over 4 weeks and we have been on about 6 very nice dates. Have not slept together yet.
We matched on tinder and chatted for a bit. I didn’t really expect to meet up with him in all honesty. He asked what I was up to and what I had studied and seemed interested as we studied at the same school (as my college was still included on my tinder profile). I just said I was working in a bar currently and trying to figure my life out but I had studied politics.
On our dates we have chatted and talked about modules etc. So of course he is under the impression I graduated. I have not directly lied and said I have graduated however I have also not said that I did not graduate. I have probably steered the topic away from that subject but I know I have lied by omission and I feel absolutely terrible. I know I am 100% in the wrong.
I think I am afraid to tell him as 1) I know that lying is wrong and I feel so ashamed that I have and worry he will rightfully judge me for it and 2) I am obviously ashamed that I have not graduated and worry he will not want to date me if I don’t have a degree. (He is 28 and a successful lawyer, I am 23)
But probably I am most scared to tell him due to the reason I left school. I left after being raped on campus and this had a devastating impact on my life. I was diagnosed with PTSD and really lost myself for a while. The way I see the world and myself has completely altered and I am scared to tell him as I know that it is a lot to deal with. I also struggle with intimacy. Also I worry he will look at me differently and I can’t bear to see him look at me with pity. Or see me as damaged etc. He always comments on how happy and sweet I am and I worry that that is not actually who I am and once he realises that he will be put off. I feel like I have this terrible inner darkness now but I think I do well at hiding it.
I have applied to nursing school for the fall and hope to get this degree and I believe I am ready as I have been in therapy. I mentioned to him I am interested in going back to school but he of course assumes as a postgrad.
What do you all think? I know the real issue here is probably me being ashamed of myself and not wanting to face the reality of my life now but I still feel so awful for lying obviously. He is the sweetest man and I have such high regard for him, and trust me when I say I do not easily warm to or like/trust men after everything! (He is quite serious and has made it clear he likes me and wants a relationship & is not pursuing/dating anyone else)
6 comments
Just rip the bandage off, and be honest about why you didn’t say sooner.
Just be honest. Hopefully he will appreciate that you trust him enough to tell him. Make sure it’s clear what your current plans for the future are and that you aren’t trying to put him in a position where he has to support you. The longer you wait the worse it will be. If he leaves, then fine. You want someone who will support your choices
This isn’t as bad as I might have assumed just from the title alone. Maybe you just left out context, but over six dates, he never once asked what you want to do? That might have led to a natural transition into telling him you didn’t graduate.
He may very well not care what you do in the sense that maybe it doesn’t matter to him. He might be perfectly fine with your answer of being a bartender and left it at that. And that’s great. It’s still odd though that this conversation wouldn’t have happened (if it didn’t) as it’s a pretty standard topic in terms of thinking about your future and assessing compatibility.
Either way, there’s two things from that, one in terms of how you handle this from a relationship standpoint and one in terms of how you should consider handling things on a personal level. So first, I think on your next date you just come out with it directly. Something like “hey, I need to tell you something. I’ve been embarrassed to tell you, but if this is going to progress, I can’t go into it without being honest. I never graduated college. I got assaulted on campus which really negatively impacted me and I had to leave. I’m sorry I wasn’t up front about that but I think you should know.
I’m honestly worried the least about him being bothered about the lie by omission. Could you not having graduated be a turn off? Absolutely. Or maybe it’s not. Do you have a future plan? That’s going to potentially be important to him, but it certainly should be for you. Or maybe it won’t matter to him.
The second thing is your mental health. Like me stop here to say I’m so sorry with what you experienced and what you’re dealing with. I can’t even imagine. But just like your plan in terms of your future job/career/education, the present state of something doesn’t necessarily have to be a deal breaker. What’s generally important is how those things are being managed.
In saying that, you have PTSD. Pretty damn natural for a trauma you experienced. However, that’s something that needs to be actively worked on in order for not only you to be healthy, but to be able to have a real opportunity at a healthy relationship. Your PTSD and struggles with intimacy will naturally negatively impact any relationship you’re in unless it’s managed and ideally remediated. It’s easy to say that any partner should be patient and respect what you’ve dealt with (and they should), but that will only ever go so far. A partner can’t just be expected to deal with things as they are if their needs aren’t met, and that goes beyond sex to be clear.
So I know after reading that it’s probably even scarier. But you need to be honest and what will be will be. It’s ultimately going to come out, so better now than later. The most important thing is that your mental health is where you need it to be. The rest will follow. Good luck.
You can be honest – “I didn’t finish because of some trauma but I’m going back in the fall”. You don’t need to unload the whole story at once. but that would give enough information to clarify (“I didn’t want you to think I’m a postgrad but I’m probably overthinking things”) and would give you a guage on how accepting or not he is going to be going forward.
“ashamed of myself”
Nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve been through hell and back. Got the T-Shirt and you’re now moving forward. That’s not something to be ashamed of… that’s something to be damned proud of.
Good fucking job.
Don’t carry a badge of shame… carry a badge of pride at how far you’ve come and how far you’re going to go.
You need to clear the air. He will understand if he is worth anything.
First, my very sorry for what happened to you.
Second, your post reads like you think you’re a loser or not finishing, reasons aside as they came later. I suspect that’s not the case, truly. Six dates says he likes you for you. You may wish to discuss in therapy how your trauma has impacted your esteem, if you have not already, or revisit it.
Third, the only real question then, is when. This is easy, when you are ready to tell him. All of it, not just the not finishing.
The really big bit: **My only suggestion is tell him about being raped at that former school, before you say it was the reason you didn’t finish.** The one is far more important than the other and I think you have them reversed (utterly IMO).
ETA: if not finishing a degree is more important to him than your traumatic past, he’s not for you anyway. Again, IMO.