This is becoming a real crisis for me and I don’t really know what to do about it. I’ve been in a relationship with my 27F girlfriend for over a year now, we love each other, and both intend to see it through.
But I’ve been struggling and feel like I’m falling apart. I do have more responsibilities than average, but nothing obscene. There are two main issues:
1. Struggling to find the time to meet my own basic material needs
2. Not having time to work on almost anything I care about, and when I do, I feel guilty because I’m doing that instead of dealing with issue 1, or because I feel like I’m neglecting my girlfriend
For a little bit of context, I think I’m a bit fucked up from a previous relationship, I wouldn’t say abusive, but highly coercive, I was made to feel really bad for wanting time to myself. I’ve approached some related issues with my girlfriend very nervously and apologetically, only for her to laugh and say that ‘of course it’s fine!’. But I still have that lingering doubt.
I know that whenever I really need it, we can wait another week and she’ll be cool with it. But I really need it almost every week.
Because it’s 2022, we both with live with our parents. I work full time and run my own business, to try and change that living situation, I can mostly deal with in a few evenings after work, though ever few months I have to spend a couple of days solidly on it.
In terms of basic needs, I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. My place is a mess, my car doesn’t work and I just haven’t had the time to fix it, I have a medical thing I really need to sort out with the doctors, and a huge backlog of ‘just jobs’ that I have to do for people, I sleep terribly because I stay up late just to try and reclaim a bit of time, I never get more than 5 hours. But mostly I feel like I am just rushing from one place to another all the time and I never get a chance to take a breath or to just think. When I see her, she’ll often start trying to make plans and asking me what I’m doing on X date, and the fact is that I just don’t know. I don’t have the time or energy to figure it out.
I also have a lot of hobbies, though I feel like I have none anymore. I don’t get time. The sort of things I enjoy doing really need a solid day on them. Wake up at my own place, work until late in the evening, then kick back and have a relaxing night. That’s what I need. One day a week of just ‘me’. Instead, I have projects half-finished getting damaged, I have equipment deteriorating and rusting. Everything I loved feels like it’s going to absolute shit, and everything is a mess and I have no time to maintain anything.
On a Friday, I have to come back from work, and instead of finally having a chance to relax, I have to get in my car and drive up to her’s. Their family likes to have dinner quite early, so I used to get the stress of trying to work to that, but it wasn’t feasable. Now I sort myself out and rock up at about 10PM. I stay Friday night, Saturday, and Saturday night.
It used to be just Friday night and go home late Saturday. But now I can’t really do that, if I try she will keep ‘joking’ about me not needing to leave. And now on Sunday mornings, when I need to leave early if I’m to make anything of the weekend, she will kinda ‘delay’ things. I usually get home at like 3-4PM on a Sunday. And that night is the longest consecutive time I will have to myself. I’m going up to her’s tonight, and I’m going to try to be really firm about leaving first thing on Sunday, but I’m also not a morning person, and she knows it!
I usually go to hers because of her cat. It makes sense, but it’s kinda frustrating, to be honest. Especially because it’s winter, me mostly just chat and play games, which is her hobby, which is cool. But I also find it so hard to actually relax and really enjoy doing ‘nothing’ when I know I have so much shit I need to do, and so much more I want to do. Also due to the cat, the bedroom door always needs to be open a bit, it’s quite a small place, so I’m always conscious of being overheard, always waiting for someone to walk by (or in), which means it’s not exactly the most chill experience. She also talks quite a bit about going out, but doesn’t take much initiative because she’s new to the area, and doesn’t know many places. I’ve said if she came to mine more, I have so many places I would like to show her, but logistically that rarely works out. She does a lot in the relationship though, it’s far from one-sided, because I’m sure that’s the impression I’m giving! And to be honest, I wouldn’t enjoy a lot of the things I like to do with company, a lot of what I enjoy about it is the peace and not having to interact with anyone. It’s different when we spend longer together. It’s really quite nice when we stay for a while and can both do our own thing in the same house.
I genuinely don’t know what to do. I really need a day a week doing something I care about, that makes me feel fulfilled, that gives me purpose and pride. At the moment I feel like I’m busy, but never for myself. The best I can come up with is to drop down to 4 days a week at work, but a 20% paycut will sting, and seems like an extreme measure.
All I know is that I can’t keep up like this. I’m just becoming this ball of stress and anxiety, buffeted around. I can’t remember the last time I did something on a whim, just because I want to. I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed working on a hobby. Whenever I can steal some time for it, I’m so focussed on making the most of the opportunity that I don’t even enjoy it.
Am I expecting too much? Am I just supposed to give up on personal development and find happiness in other things instead? How can I best manage this? She is very supportive of me, and does look out for me, but I think she also perhaps doesn’t understand. She works from home and has a fairly light workload sometimes, so she gets a lot of her personal admin stuff done on work hours, which isn’t an option for me. Everything I do has to be done on whatever time and energy remains at the end of an evening, or a few hours on Sunday. The more I think and look and pay attention to this stuff, I see that most people don’t really do much, they just kinda do nothing a lot of the time, and I’m starting to think it’s just me who places so much importance and derives so much of my self-worth from the things that I do. If I closed up my business, I’d probably get enough time to get more shit sorted from point 1, but it wouldn’t fix point 2, and I’d hate myself for giving up on something that works so well for me. I just want everything to stop for a while, so I can put two feet on the ground and actually think. It’s all just a big blur and I hate it. I hate that I don’t even look forward to the weekend anymore.
I don’t care about 4-day working weeks, but please give me 3 day weekends!
TL;DR: Being with the person I love is separating me from the things that make me feel happy, and I’m going crazy trying to do both
12 comments
It really doesn’t sound like your girlfriend is your biggest issue here.
This *isn’t* working well for you. You have unrealistic expectations of yourself. You’re headed to a burnout. You need to cut back. On most of everything. Work, expectations around hobbies, and probably expectations of your family. Cutting back on your time with your GF might be one area you need to address, but it clearly isn’t the only one.
You need a sleep schedule that isn’t that of an 18-year-old dropout and you cannot plan much of anything. Not just with her, but anything. You’re in constant crisis mode. That part isn’t on her. That is on you. You need to break that cycle. Consider some extreme measures before you hurt yourself.
At some point you need to see you are the only things holding you back from living how you need to live. You’re a grown man, tell your gf you’re leaving when you need to, stop acting like she’s physically barring you from the door instead of just letting you know she wants you there. Don’t automatically go to her house whilst stressing about all the things you need to do, go home and do your shit. That’s what responsible adults do. I understand you were made to feel this way and didn’t lose control on your own but it’s not your gfs responsibility to read your mind. You need to prioritize you for a while, maybe that means you can’t handle a relationship or maybe you just need to be more realistic with yourself. Be honest with yourself and be honest with your gf. I feel a lot of unfair resentment in this post and it will only build. You do you bro
dont take my commentary as clearcut answer. but. just a random view.
if you can choose your livelihood, look into it,
but most times, its working on what we have that looks more practical
their is a thought, but you can choose not to use it, its more like a tool. you have to decide if it is useful
the idea is. love your work. that no.1 part you shared. look at your work as if your enjoying it. that you need not to go to other activities to be happy because your work brings you hapiness.
because if you look at work like an unwanted job. then you will be seekingbto find enjoyment in another activity. and that other activity cost you time,money and effort. youll be hapoy for awhile and exhausted when you go back to work.
an analogy would be, a land mammal, like a dog who swims in thr sea. the dog may dive, hold its breath. but it will need to rise up to breath. but the fish, who looks at the sea as it is its home. need not to rise in the surface to breath.
im not chinese. but chinese buisness family, as i heard of. train their kids with looking at working in buisness like its a natural part of their nature. they can work for longer and as frequent. because their work is not work. its part of their life, like sitting on the couch in the living room taking a sip of coffee. their work to them is as natural as breathing.
this gives them an advantage over others who nornally look at work as work. they make better progress, figure things better and finish projects earlier than your counterpart.
their livelihood forms the core of their life. livelihood – life.
their personal and family life is built around their livelihood. their livelihood is the core. its the center upon which they build everything else.
but their livelihood, could also be the buisness minded nature of their thinking. and that thinking is the core.
( im making conjecture here )
but maybe not all chinese buisnessmen think like that. its mostly what i have heard of in my orbit.
this is one part, of those reason, why. since this work perspective is taught in their family. their kids brought up with this line of thought from birth. they are hesistant to let their kids marry from anither family if they dont view life and work as they do. because conflict will arise.
i can understand why they chose that. reading my comment, you can understand also. but looking at it if its applicable to you as an individual.
that would be up to you.
me. their way is difficult. but i often take what i can take, especially if its useful.
Why are you blaming her for YOUR problems?
Kinda sounds like you’re just bad at time management and it’s easier to blame your girlfriend than yourself.
Do you by chance have adhd? Just wondering. It isn’t necessarily indicative, but sometimes people with adhd have a lot of half finished hobbies and feel like they’re scrambling all the time.
However, you are completely burnt out and something has got to give. Why can’t she come to you bc of her cat? You are a person, you take priority over a cat, sorry (not sorry) to say. Maybe you guys can alternate – one week you come there for ONE night. Next week she comes to you. There has to be balance or it WILL spin out of control, it already is.
I was wondering if you have adhd. Sounds like you also realize it. Honestly it just sounds like your life isn’t organized in a way that is conducive for you to have a relationship right now. Or really do any of the things you are wanting to do without burning out. I felt burnt out just reading your post. Also if you have adhd or autism and sensory issues, the logistics of relaxing and sleeping somewhere like your gf’s parents a night or two a week can be legitimately stressful. I say that bc I’d also find the door thing hard to relax about.
You might need some time to learn about yourself. There is a LOT of great info now about neurodivergence and strategies to organize your life in ways that work uniquely for you. Medication can also help a lot of people. Maybe you need a break and if ending the relationship would take stress off your shoulders, that’s ok. You’ll be sad, she’ll be hurt, but it might be what you need (among other things) to give yourself the space and time to figure your shit out.
Dude, you’re being completely unrealistic about the amount of things you can actually do. You cannot work full-time, have a side hustle, have a girlfriend, and have hobbies. You can realistically do three of those, most people only do one or two. All four is impossible. You feel stressed out because you are not able to give the full amount of time required to any of these things. You need to prioritize and decide what’s most important to you. You are going to have to sacrifice one of the things that you would like to be spending your time on.
That said, your gf’s refusal to come to your place is not helping the situation at all. “I have a cat” is the most ridiculous excuse. One reason people get cats is because they don’t require constant attention. And she lives with her family! They can watch her cat while she’s away for a day.
Put on your own oxygen mask first. You sound very similar to where I was 3 years ago, only with ADHD on top of it lol.
I’d be very frank with the folks asking you to do things that you need to, starting right now, get your own affairs in order, starting with your potential ADHD diagnosis. Then, I’d really suggest look into therapy surrounding how you create rules in your life (“I should do this/I have to do this”) and filling your life to the brim with activities in order to feel fulfilled–legit, one of the best things my therapist ever told me was “there is a difference between living a full life and living a fulfilled life.” There’s a lot of paradoxical thinking required in this process, learning to let go of a lot of the mental load of tasks so you can come back to them genuinely, etc. It took me a while to undo a lot of that thinking myself, but man, once you get the hang of it all, the difference is incredible.
Once you have your personal workflow in order, then it’s time to figure out how much of that gets devoted to what, including your gf. I struggle a lot with this in relationships too as I was basically always left to my own devices and never really taught how to adequately relegate time to other people, lol. This is a time when you all will need to have a very frank discussion about what alone time means to you and how to accomplish it. Wish I could say more than that, but it’s still a work in progress to me too.
Take a break from the relationship until you get yourself sorted out. You don’t have to be in a relationship rn, especially when its more destructive then it is good. Trust me, if you time out and come back stronger, she will not only appreciate it, she’ll love the more balanced man you’ve become and the relationship will have a better chance because of it. As things stand, it can’t last. You can’t last. It’s not only not fair to you, its not fair to her if she has a man that isn’t 100 percent on point with their health, physically and cognitively. You seem really depressed to me. That needs to change and you can’t change that while dealing with the status quo. I was once depressed for a while, mainly because I was in a massive amount of pain but I became a Christian after a very powerful vision from Jesus about 11 years ago. Christ got me through the most difficult times I’ve ever faced and now I am absolutely stoked I have someone that will listen to me and answer my prayers when they feel its the right thing to do at the time because not all prayers will be answered. You’d be surprised just how much what is happening today with the world is forecast in the Bible and knowing that keeps me from being scared about all the turmoil because no matter what you’ll be okay. Give it a try, just pray for guidance with your relationships and you may just find someone that’ll just make things so clear for you, you’ll be happy you tried to reach out to Him.
Good luck! If you want me to pray with you dm me but I’m going to pray for you and your girl solo. Peace brother!
I know it’s hard but it doesn’t sound like you have time for a relationship. It’s not because you’re in the wrong or that she’s in the wrong it’s just that you have a lot going on and that’s okay too but you have to consider her feelings as well. No one‘s blaming you for being busy with work that’s normal but you have to think if it’s fair to your partner to be in that situation. If you feel you do not have enough time for the relationship then the respectful thing to do is to communicate that and end the relationship until you are on more stable footing to be dating. This situation really has nothing to do with her it’s about your priorities and workload. “Being with the person I love is separating me from the things that make me feel happy” is not how it works, you need to make real changes because this isn’t fair to your partner and it also doesn’t sound beneficial to you either and I’m sure if you told her that statement you wrote she wouldn’t want to be in that situation either.
Looks like a lot of this is more of a struggle of “adulting” & not a relationship struggle. Every adult has to find the balance of work & personal life. And more often than not, one or the other always wins out. Sounds like work is winning out for you.
You run your own business & as admirable as that is, it sounds like that is giving you the most stress. (It seems as if it’s like a lawn care/carpentry/plumbing/etc trade where you’re paid per job, could be wrong though.) It may be time to call it a day & find something else to pay the bills.