Tldr: Confronting finances with gf
Hello everyone,
For a little background, Ive had a full time job since I was 18 and am not materialistic and very serious with my financial security and believe I have set myself up very nicely for my age. My gf on the other hand has worked part time and spends any money she gets on things she doesn’t need and is also very materialistic.
In no way am I cheap. I spend money where I believe it is needed and don’t buy expensive things.
I don’t enjoy how materialistic my gf is and I think it is a dangerous quality to have in regards to financial security to the both of us.
I save money where I can so I can save it for the both of us, as I pay for almost everything for us.
How do I bring up how bad her materialistic side is without sounding like an asshole?
5 comments
How long have you been together?
Do you live together?
lol I feel you on this one, I got an engineering degree even though I was (and am) greatly interested in architecture because it was an infinitely more practical route, but I am never dating other engineers, people in tech or finance, etc. cos that’s not often the kind of person I like spending my free time around. My best friends are artists, musicians, teachers, etc. But there’s people who are financially savvy in every walk of life, of course, and people with really unsound and unhealthy relationships to money that earn a lot. Your disposition towards money is a personal thing.
I think you’ll eventually just have to risk sounding condescending, because it sounds like you currently do not want to share a bank account with your partner, and that they conversely have no reason not to want that. I think you only strictly *have to* cross this bridge when you live together or become one household, but it sounds like the conversation will come sooner because you express that they’re more materialistic than you are, and if you care about eachother you’ll talk about a difference like that.
That’s a big difference, in my mind, if one person values the status that comes with money more than its practical value— even just relative to the other person. That’s the kind of like.. core personal value that you need to align on, or it’ll be grating for at least one of you forever.
Maybe the best way INTO a conversation about it is if you express it as YOUR personal issue- like when you say “I think it is a dangerous quality to have,” that’s the perfect way of saying it. It’s not bad or some individual trait they developed out of their free will, it’s something about them that you fear will have negative consequences. You can determine for yourself when your relationship is serious enough to bring it up in this way, but I think this would be the right way of expressing if you were worried about your partner’s heart health like, it’s not that patronizing to say *you worry* because it’s dangerous. Maybe you can start the conversation there and see if they understand why it bothers you and really want to change for you, or if they try to convince you it isn’t dangerous.
Can you describe how she’s very materialistic
By the sounds of your relationship – you don’t.
It’s a new relationship. You aren’t co-dependent.
It’s her money that she earns, and she’s allowed to do what she wants with it. If she enjoys shopping then that’s her choice.
If she doesn’t prioritise her career right now, that’s also her choice.
When I was her age I didn’t want to work – I went and travelled the world and enjoyed life. Now I’m 10 years older than her and I have a career I love.
Just because she’s doesn’t view work and money the same as you, doesn’t mean that’s an issue.
You have your whole life to work full time – don’t waste these years sat in an office.