Something my mom said about me when I was 14 has really stuck with me. We were at a restaurant. It was me, my mom and one of her friends.
The couple in the booth across from us were arguing about something. The guy was being very aggressive toward the girl and she was not saying anything. My mom sighed and said to her friend, “That’s going to be (my name) one day, getting abused by some asshole”.
I didn’t understand why she would say that about me and they moved on to a different topic before I could process that enough to ask.
And now I’ve spent all of my adult life with one man (married), but it only recently dawned on me that it’s not normal to be so scared of your husband.
I always obeyed him out of fear, because he always said he’d hit me if I disrespected him and my gut told me that he wasn’t bluffing. When I realized that wasn’t so normal and I wanted more freedoms, we started arguing a lot and he ended arguments with direct violence (hitting) instead of his usual indirect kinds.
I do not understand what kind of social cues would allow her to predict something like this happening. My siblings were also not high in confidence, but she didn’t say it about them.
9 comments
It could have been a self fulfilling prophecy. You’re absolutely not supposed to say that in front of your kid.
Good question I can’t wait to see better answers than mine: perhaps your mother lived through the same and assumed she had passed on this view of normalcy to you?
It’s very sad. Can you ask her?
It sounds like you have had a lifetime of abuse, starting with your mother. Not a surprise if she started the abuse.
Not sure where you are from but this could be more of a regional culture thing that led her to this assumption. Typical lower income town/neighborhood , limited opportunities, with angry drunk men beating their wives, having boys, only to beat and teach them the same thing…. Take that pervasive culture and add that to any weakness to assert yourself as a young girl and its easy to see why your mom made that assumption
Maybe she noticed that you didn’t stand up for yourself and let other people push you around. Or that you gave in when people got angry at you.
It would have been better for her to teach you skills to be assertive rather than telling her friend that you’re going to be abused later.
If you don’t value yourself, you’ll allow other people to mistreat you.
We tend to pick romantic partners who treat us the way our parents treated us. For example, if you come from a home where you felt like you had to earn your parents love or attention, you are likely to pick partners who makes you feel like you have to earn their love and attention. If you come from a home where love is given freely, you are likely to pick a partner that loves you the same way. It’s a subconscious thing where your brain recognizes a familiar pattern and cling to it in another person.
From your mothers comment alone I can tell she didn’t think highly of you. So, not surprising, you chose a partner who doesn’t think highly of you. Were your mother or father also abusive?
To me it’s not that serious more just her own struggles. Sounds like she just has a low opinion of men and feel they are all emotionally, physically abusive towards their partners…. So one day it will be you, like she was sad that you’re gonna grow up and be in a relationship with a man who doesn’t treat you right
Doesn’t sound like it was about you on a personal point… was your mom in an abusive relationship?
My guess is she could tell at 14 you wouldnt be able to speak up for yourself and that you lacked confidence. Your husband probably saw this too which is why he went for you to have someone overly submissive. If you are breaking out of your shell good for you. Dont take his shit. If you can make things work then couples counselling is good. Your moms an ass as well. She couldve helped you understand the implications.