My husband and I got married about a year ago and we found out I was pregnant (1st baby for both of us) shortly after. We were both excited about having a baby and started getting things ready almost immediately. Fast forward to now Husband works out of town and I’m a sahm. Recently baby and I have been traveling with husband on business trips (usually last several months) to spend more time with him. But now it’s gotten to the point where I feel unappreciated and taken advantage of.
Let’s start with how his day goes 6 days a week. He gets up for work at 5:30am and takes a shower. He gets out of the shower has breakfast made for him and his lunch packed. He eats and leaves for work at about 6:15-6:20am. His work day starts a 7am and he takes an hour lunch at Noon. (By lunch time his phone usually dead) he goes back to work a 1pm and gets a 15 at 3pm then returns to work until 5:30. He gets home at 5:45 and has dinner ready or almost ready. He plays with the baby for about 30 minutes and either falls asleep for an hour or two or plays his game till 10-10:30pm and goes to bed.
My day starts at 5:30 in the morning when his alarms go off. I make him breakfast and pack his lunch for the day. (Usually a Sausage, Egg and cheese sandwich on a toasted English muffin for breakfast and lunch is fresh sliced fruits, a fresh cooked vegetable, and either a grilled chicken sandwich, homemade soup, a grilled chicken salad….ect). Feed and change the baby and then baby and I go back to bed until 9-9:30 am. We get up and I feed tans change the baby again. By that time it’s 10:30 or so and I make something for myself to eat after that I do the laundry, clean the motel room, continue taking care of the baby, go to the grocery 2-3 times a week, make sure all the bills get paid, take the baby to drs appointments, meal planning for the next few days I might get a shower in, play with the baby and work on strength exercises, walk the dog, ect. I then start dinner at 5pm everyday so he can come home to food ready for him. After we eat I clean up the dinner mess and put all the dishes in the sink, make sure the baby gets a bath, wipe down the counters, feed the baby again and get baby ready for bed around. Baby falls asleep around 8pm and sleeps till about 10pm before waking up hungry and stays awake till about 2:30-3am. I usually don’t falls asleep until after baby goes back to bed.
All I ask husband to do to help me out is to put his dirty clothes I the hamper, do the dishes from dinner and take the trash out and help me take care of the baby. It’s a constant battle and it’s gotten to the point where he never does it. I feel like I’m a single mom and a single wife. It feels more like he’s another child I have to take care it’s gotten to the point where everyday I end up doing the dishes, taking out the trash and picking up his cloths to be washed… I never get time to myself to just relax. He’s not mean or abusive in anyway it just feels more like he’s mentally, physically and emotionally checked out at home.
Am I asking for too much since “I get to stay at home and play with the baby all day” as he puts it? Or is it just my job as a stay at home to take care of everything?
25 comments
You need to talk with him about sharing the responsibilities. Like maybe he makes his own breakfast and 2 days a week he takes the baby until bedtime?
No. But just wondering if you would benefit from getting yourself a job not because being a sahm is bad but it’s is tolling. Staying home all day everyday is depressing. We need challenge in our lives. Your baby can be at a daycare that you and husband can split. There’s no way he would be disrespectful or.allowed to be if your both pulling the same weight. Now even so continue to do what you do, the meal prep but some of the other duties will now be delegated to him, maybe laundry maybe trash dumping. And if it persist after that then im.afraid you might be right about your marriage. Men can experience depression as well so he might be dealing with something but all in all this might be the best resolve. There are plenty of jobs available remote as well. I say office because it gives you that fresh air to not be Stuck at home. Worst case scenario remote is a good choice. Last if you do end up divorcing at least your one step ahead with the job search.
I think your life routine is normal as a housewife. Bear in mind too, it not easy to go out to work to earn money to put food on the table. Working to earn a living is usually hard and stressful. Its toil and sweat. Certain job entails physical danger. I know one who died while working as a logger, and so on.
I can say, both functions, work of a housewife and husband working outside are roughly equally hard. The man of the house, that is the husband, if fully responsible and in charge of at least 3 areas of the family:
1. providing food, clothing and housing, all basic needs of the family. This includes, if possible, saves up enough money for the children education. So that the children could graduate without a big debt.
2nd protect the family from harm – physical, and spiritual harms.. That is security part. He make sure the home is secured and his wife and children are not exposed to danger and unnecessary risks. If need be, he would sacrifice his life so that his wife and children may live. For example, the family goes for a cruise and the ship is sinking. The husband is suppose to let the wife and children on the lifeboat and he stay stay on the ship or water. Or in a hostage situation, he shall voluntarily offer his life in exchange for the wife and children. He should be willingly give his life for his wife.
3. He looks at the “big picture”, “family strategy” and distill what is “important” for the family welfare and progress. He is expected to provide leadership for the family. And this takes many hours of thinking, searching and reflection.
Having said the above, I think it’s good that the husband helps the wife with some housechores, take care and play with the baby, and spend enough time with the wife after the baby is sleep. Listen to his wife when the wife is talking and be concerned and caring. I know it’s hard to do this after a hard day’s work but the man need to try.
Hope the above helps. Best regards
Having baby, especially the first one can be very exhausting. Don’t divorce him, it doesn’t make any sense. Your life as a single mother is not going to be better.
Find a mothers group in your area.
Stop cooking for him and doing his laundry until he starts doing his share.
Your baby shouldn’t be up for 4hrs+ at night. How old is the baby? Maybe try some sleep training? Babies, even at a very young age should be able to sleep through the night with 1 or 2 brief feeding and diaper change. Fix this one first even as you look at other issues.
Don’t have another baby until you get this worked out
I was a SAHM. Now I’m a working mom. I can’t be assed to do shit after work. I work a manual labor job, and I just want to sit down after work.
I don’t think you can appreciate the working parent until you have to do it yourself. I know I didn’t.
I would suggest you focus on your kid and yourself. Who cares if laundry isn’t picked up or dishes aren’t washed right away. Take the trash out when you’re already leaving to go on a walk. There’s no need for another trip. Is he off on weekends? Because when I was SAHM, Saturdays were my responsibility, but on Sundays, they better go out and stay out. Sundays were my off days.
Or you could leave. I don’t know. Do what’s best for you and your kid. One thing for sure, I would never live in a motel with a baby.
>All I ask husband to do to help me out is to put his dirty clothes I the hamper, do the dishes from dinner and take the trash out and help me take care of the baby.
What I’m hearing is appreciation and connection.
When you are both calm and relaxed sit down together and discuss in a healthy way.
You statements are combative/accusatory instead use I statements. Instead of focusing on the action focus on the feeling.
Example: you may say “I feel unappreciated when I see the clothes on the floor instead of in the hamper. It makes me feel as if I’m being taken for granted and not appreciated. ” Next you would want to listen and hear what he says. Really listen and rephrase back to him what he says to you. Make sure you express to him how you do appreciate what he does for the family in the discussion.
Honestly, I recommend that if nothing changes then stay home – dont travel with him, that way you only have to worry about your and the baby messes. It would be one less person to take care off and he can experience taking care of himself, realizing that you are being a helpmate. He is a grown man who can take care of himself, if you will be feeling unappreciated doing these things for him then drop the lead.
I totally understand his work may be tiring BUT his family needs more than a wallet. His family needs his emotional connection. His value to the family is more than just as a moneymaker, his family needs more.
In this day and age a grown ass man should be able to make his own breakfast and pack or buy his own lunch. Just eat cereal or pre-boil some eggs if time is an issue. He‘s not staying at the Ritz. This would be true in general, but if you have the extra work and sleep deprivation of a newborn, this is ridiculous. I am a married man with two kids and I also works long hours.
Not sure if he asked for things to be this way, or you just did it, but this is not normal anymore.
On top of that, in an ideal world, you should get a sitter a couple times a week, so there is time for you and also time for you two as a couple.
Being a stay at home mom is tough! Your day starts before his and really doesn’t end except for the few hours of sleep you get, he needs to clean up after dinner and do the things you’ve asked. He also needs to let you nap, you should be getting a nap everyday because of the lack of sleep you get. You can’t keep going on such a small amount of sleep without it taking a toll on you. He either needs to get his act together or separate for a bit. He’s lucky he has a woman to cook for him all of the time and do everything else, it’s not just staying home, it is being the backbone of the household, without you it would crumble.
So he works a 10 hour day,.and then comes home and makes sure to have time for you and the baby. I’d say that’s pretty exhausting. Has he been doing those chores in his life before he met you? If not, it’s very unlikely he’s used to have mental automation for doing them effortlessly, and it’s difficult to learn to do them after a 10 hour workday.
Have you considered putting the situation on its head? Can you get a dishwasher? If you can’t- can you begin by asking his help with the dishes – maybe begin by asking him to dry them while you wash? And then gently and encouragingly proceed from there. It would require you to be supportive, praiseworthy and understanding if you’re willing to try and keep your resentfullness at bay. Similar approach would probably wirk with other chores.
You live in a motel room?
So he works full time 6 days a week for his family, recuperating taking a bit of time gaming to decompress a bit.
Taking time for his child every day.
Sounds like a man providing for you and his family, making the sacrifice of family time.
Yes, you take care of your family, a sacrifice as well in a different role.
To me it sounds like you expect to much. You do not appreciate his sacrifice. Maybe he is expecting to much as well. Start communicating with your husband and address this issue.
I did exactly this and my wife is leaving me. 1 yes he has video games to “relieve stress” but it’s all bs. If he’s not making time for you and the kid or even watching the kid so you can go do something as small as going to get groceries then it’s not you it’s him. 2 learn to have a life of your own without your own identity you will fall deeper and deeper into this feeling of self doubt and your mental state will collapse. At the end of the day the only person that’s in charge of your happiness is you and if you’re not happy then talk to him and if he can’t compromise and communicate then it’s him and not you. But I will say this if he does truly communicate but you don’t listen and I mean listen men most of the time ones that truly care will tell you up front what’s wrong. If not he wants his mom not his wife.
don’t go with him.
He should make his own breakfast and lunch. He also should contribute to the chores and even cook at least half of the time.
> clean the motel room,
Hold up: y’all live in a motel room? No wonder you’re both stressed out.
Also, if I’m reading this correctly your husband works about 70 hours per week (including commute). He’s nearly working 2 full-time jobs. Not saying he can’t do a few things to help out more (like put his clothes in the hamper), but cut him some slack. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess he works a difficult physical labor job too.
I guarantee your life won’t be “easier” being a single mom with a job. Sure, he needs to pick up after himself, but only you can decide which path you want.
Daycare and a full time job? Husband who won’t use the hamper?
Take care of yourself, the baby, and your space. Let your adult child grow up and care for himself. You’ll get some more time to yourself and he’ll develop some appreciation.
We got custody of our grandkids granddaughter was 6 days old grandson we were already pretty much raising and 4 years old at the time, we could not find daycare so instead of my wife leaving her job I did and had the children from 730-5 every day during the week, I cleaned the house spotless every day, I did all the laundry and whatever else had to be done at 53 years of age, I would never expect my wife to do any of that after work, I also got up with my wife every night to help with my granddaughter who never sleeps it seems, she is up 3-5 times a night. Sometimes stress at work can make a guy sit online playing games or watch videos to relieve the stress, should he help, absolutely and you should talk to him about helping more but all you said you do during the day is expected, it’s not as hard as most people make it to be taking care of children
A lot of women feel like leaving their relationship in the first year or two after having a new baby. It’s a huge adjustment and time to learn setting large boundaries which we may not be used to. But it has to be done for your marriage to thrive.
I believe the work for the day is not done when the working spouse returns home from work.
If you want to live in a clean house, wear clean clothes, and enjoy home cooked meals, you should participate in and contribute to those efforts.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
My wife stayed at home while I worked. I always felt that it would only be “fair” if we had the same amount of misery. (Or, put another way, if we have the same amount of down time.) She never once made me a lunch for work, nor did she cook me breakfast. This is stuff I could handle. Dinners she took care of. Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, all things she would do. And caring for the kids. Her plate was full, and as long as work was manageable I’d pick up anything and everything I could after I got home. No video gaming, streaming, watching sports. If she had enough energy to give me a break, she would. And I did the same.
It worked well for us.
He needs to help you if he wants to keep the partnership (marriage) happy and healthy. But you know that I’m sure. I don’t know how spouses can see the loves of their lives suffering and not step up…
Your husband is a slob. Those are simple things that normal people do automatically. He needs to do better. Also, you seem to lack appreciation for your husband working so you can stay home. Raising a kid is really hard. It’s even harder when you have to work and raise a kid at the same time. He is taking a huge load off of your shoulders just like you are by being a SAHM. If you want this to succeed, you have to work together and show appreciation for each other’s contributions.