So my partner and I have been together for 4 months now and everything is going amazingly. We were both single parents (I have a 2yr old and he has 3yr old twins) and we have fallen madly in love. I’m seeing only green flags in him (aside from this issue) and he’s very loving and attentive. We haven’t introduced each other to each other’s kids yet but there’s something holding me back from doing that right now.
Even though my partner is 14 years older than me, he has never been in a relationship that lasted longer than my last one (we were together for 8 years and it only ended because he sustained a brain injury through his work as a police officer which caused violent outbursts and we had a newborn at the time). My new partner’s longest relationship was 5 years which to me seems pretty short seeing as he’s in his 40s now. He’s had 4 longterm relationships. Maybe it’s because of the age difference but I’m finding that difficult to get past. NOT because of jealousy – but just because I feel like I will become the 5th failed relationship… only this time with 3 kids (total, on both sides) in the mix. I have to think about my 2yr old and whether he’ll bond with my new partner only for something to go wrong.
I’d appreciate if you could tell me if I’m being unreasonable. To make it clear, the shortness of his longest relationship is the only red flag to me right now.
8 comments
He has had 20 years on you to be out in the world. You’re 29 and were with someone else for 8 years. You are definitely being unreasonable. His past and your past relationships are past. What matters is YOUR relationship with each other.
(Revisit this post in 10 years and see how you feel about it).
For a 43yr, 4 relationships actually aren’t that many lol
this is completely unreasonable. The quality of a relationship is not measured by its length. People stay in decades long relationships that are TOXIC and traumatic. Who cares if his longest relationship was 5 years? If it was meant to end at 5 years it did. I’m sorry but you need to evaluate the underlying fears that are going into your obsession with this.
And as for multiple relationships? that’s normal. Most relationships fail. Most people are not compatible. There’s nothing at all here that is unusual.
Don’t be so hung up on the past. The only thing that matters is how you are feeling in the present with your partner. Is the relationship healthy and fulfilling? Do you feel good about the future? Don’t live in obsessions of the past.
The only caveat I’ll give is that you also might want to consider if you insecurities are coming from something else. Do you think this person has a fear of committment? Do you want marriage or something and he’s not into it? I’m just trying to consider if your anxieties are tied up with other aspects of the realtionship. If you’re truly happy and content, don’t self-sabotage.
On top of what others have said here…just because he has 4 failed relationships doesn’t mean he is the reason they failed.
I’m about to come out of my 2nd failed relationship. I ignored red flags and dealt with shit I shouldn’t have but I’m seeing that I deserve better now. Not entirely my fault, not entirely hers…in our case more her than me.
Likely the same for him. Failed relationships doesn’t make the people are failures.
What length of time for a past relationship would make you feel more secure?
4 months is still the honeymoon period – everyone feels frankly “madly in love” at that time. It’s basically limerance.
You’re both adults and parents-by 6 months you should discuss your 1,3,5 year plans. Does he want marriage and to become a father to your child on top of his own? What is his relationship with his family? Does he have a healthy friend group? Why did the previous relationships end? What’s his argument style (does he become cold, angry, has he been violent to other women in the past)? You need to be able to ask these questions especially at his age, with open communication. You are both too old and have too much responsibility to waste each other’s time, and statistically it sounds like he could end up wasting yours, so have a plan.
Age gap is normal failed relationships are normal. See what happens
Girl, you got another man to take care of your kid. You are already winning like crazy.
Keep it real.