Taboo Desires and No “Healthy” Outlet

I feel like this is the sort of post that backfires really hard (or gets removed), but I feel so lost right now. The 0.1% chance for some good advice is too good to pass up. Of course, what I really expect to see, if anything, is “that’s just wrong, get over it” or “go to therapy.”

\[Context\]

So as the title says, I have strong desires that really get no healthy outlet. I’m a male with intense fantasies surrounding dominating a female sub. Of course, that in itself isn’t all that atypical. What DOES seem to be atypical (or at least people are too afraid to admit about themselves, which I believe to be the case) is that I find any sort of domination that doesn’t include me having 100% control NO MATTER WHAT to be unsatisfactory. Things like safe-words or having to ask for permission are turn offs. Initial setup in a consensual manner would be fine, but my partner having any power to say “Nah bro this sucks, I’m out” once again makes it hard for me to feel “in control.”

Yup, I have some sort of weird mix of the most taboo of desires/fetishes. Mix together sexual slavery, domination, BDSM, sadism, and non-consent and you get my sexuality. Luckily, I’m self-aware enough to know that acting on these desires would be both VERY STUPID and VERY HARMFUL. I’m not a sociopath, I still have the ability to feel strong empathy (even for the objects of my desires, such as people suffering human trafficking.) In the midst of a fantasy though, its like I become a different person and that empathy is replaced with delight at the whole idea. I don’t think the typical reaction to reading “Life of a slave girl” in college is getting a hardon rather than feeling horrified and disgusted by America’s dark past.

This is a part of who I am. Nothing else turns me on, and I have fantasies about it all the time. I try to avoid relationships with women, both out of the typical insecurities men face, and the fact that I will inevitably imagine (many times a day) what it would be like to force her to be my full-time servant. Its been this way since the summer after 5th GRADE when I first discovered what those strange compulsions to get close to women meant in my bedroom. It’s like its hardwired into my psychology or something. Porn got boring fast due to the (natural) requirement that the actors are all consenting to be there (and have lives outside of being their “master’s” property). After all, the core of my fantasy is that the sub herself doesn’t matter, the only thing that matters is the master and his desires. Anything less, and the illusion of control is shattered. I don’t understand how Doms can even be turned on by the fake bdsm roleplay that is standard in the community, with the knowledge in the back of their mind that they need to satisfy their sub and ask for permission to do anything. That with one word from their sub, they need to stop doing everything immediately.

\[Solutions\]

1. Erotica. I’m a big reader, and I’ve found some outlet inside of erotica. Since characters in a book are not real, I can fully engage with myself within its pages. I’ve even begun to write myself, with some pretty decent reception on Literotica. The lack of visuals or active engagement, however, make it little better than a tool to get me in the mood. I also receive LOTS of insulting feedback about how I’m an evil person for writing or reading what I do. I’m honestly sick of dealing with any sort of online community, as the majority of people’s reactions to this part of myself is disgust and hate.
2. Video games. I’m actually a Computer Science major and am more than capable of modding my favorite games to cater to my fantasies. The problem with modding is that developers abandon their projects regularly, and oftentimes mods don’t work well with the base game itself. Therefore, I’ve migrated to looking for video games fully dedicated to catering to people with my fantasies. So far I’ve managed to find a few, but the hardcoded (static) nature of games cause them to get old overtime. Most are glorified erotica with visuals (visual novels). The best ones are almost entirely text-based. Not one game currently exists that allows enough freedom and interactivity to keep me entertained longer than a week. I’ve been working on my terrible art skills in order to design my own project, but the effort is so great and time consuming that it will be a long time (if ever) before I manage to complete my “dream game.”
3. AI. I’ve been obsessed with the development of new AI technologies and amazed by the results so far. The potential for AI in generating limitless pornography (text-to-image, text-to-3d, and text-to-video) combined with the interactivity of Large Language Models (chatbots, text descriptions) is phenomenal. I firmly believe that future AI models combined with gamification/simulation elements would finally be enough of an outlet for people like me. It could take many forms: text-based games, 3D games, interactive chatbots, and even full humanoid robots in the real world. An AI can generate infinite dynamic responses that almost seem human… without actually being human! The problem is that sexual content (EVEN VANILLA SEX) with an AI is viewed as harmful to society by cutting-edge AI companies. The best we got so far is a few limited choices of expensive proprietary story-writer AIs that aren’t carefully filtered. Even these tools bear the risk of account deletion if you overdo it. I’ve looked heavily into machine learning and concluded that big companies are the ONLY places that have enough resources to fund quality AI projects. So long as open-society remains sex-adverse, and censorship is considered acceptable, I fear when (if ever) we will get to see unfiltered AI for these sorts of projects.

So as a young dude with a huge sex drive, and tastes that I’m unable to really satisfy, I’ve been feeling depressed. I feel doomed to constantly agonize over my own sexuality. Sometimes I wonder if I should try to turn myself in to the local police station to reduce the risk I pose to society. I cling to my solutions above as an outlet for these feelings, but they just aren’t good enough yet. My only hope is that as I get older, my sex drive will peter down so I’m not constantly stuck in my mind.