My partner and I went out for dinner last night and during the meal I made a few comments about looking forward to sex later (in an attempt to set the mood)
When we got home he went to bed and didn’t seem keen so I left it. I woke up later (2am) to him in another room watching porn and jerking off. I fully believe he should be able to have his own time, but is it unreasonable for me to be upset about this?
I’m not sure how to bring this up with him either as the only reason I know is because I went looking for him when I noticed he wasn’t in bed anymore and I feel like I’ve violated his private time
36 comments
Either he is addicted to porn or he has some fetishes for which he goes to porn (maybe he hasn’t told you about them or you aren’t into them). Have a peaceful discussion about it with him.
Don’t play a guessing game, just ask him.
Start with, can we talk a little about last night? And get into why, when you mentioned it earlier, did he not take you up on it…
Use a tone of understanding and not accusing. Encourage him to share.
First, it is not normal in healthy relationship to choose porn over sex with the partner. You are absolutely right to be upset. There can be numerous reasons why someone prefers porn and masturbation: the most obvious is porn addiction. Also ED and embarrassment it causes, not being attracted to you.
Talk to him in supportive, understanding tone. Tell him you love him and want to share intimacy with him.
Converse with him.
He might just have wanted the free time later, or woke up horny. We won’t know. Porn addiction isn’t always the answer
I was the lower libido partner for many years and often used porn as a quick release. The porn didn’t cause us issues but the lack of sex drive did and we’ve fixed that. However, when we were in that sexual lull I always made an effort to have sex if my wife put it out there like you did and I wouldn’t disrespect her my jerking off later leaving you unfulfilled. We had a bland sex life for 10 years but I still made an effort to take care of her. It’s a fair expectation that date nights lead to sex especially if you’re dropping hints.
I wish I had advice on how to fix this. For us, we stumbled into a kink and it sparked a bonfire. Hope y’all figure it out.
I have a lot of great sex in my marriage but there are also times when I enjoy jerking off, sometimes to porn, sometimes just using my imagination. The latter is often in the middle of the night when I want to fuck but my wife is too tired. But I’ll stay in bed and do it… sometimes my wife will stir as I get to the vinegar strokes, but she is fine with that.
So a few thoughts 1) perhaps he is embarrassed about masturbation? In which case perhaps try masturbating yourself in bed next to him, and when he stirs encourage him to join in, solo and/or mutual. 2) perhaps he is addicted to porn? In which case have you tried watching porn in bed together before you fuck?
I used to stay up late like this because I was afraid to discuss it with my wife. I was always terrified that she knew, but we never talked about it. Maybe he just couldn’t sleep, but more likely he is afraid of getting caught so he loses sleep over it.
You believe he should have his free time, but does he know you believe this? I’m just thinking you didn’t intentionally invade his privacy and you are trying to be considerate of his needs, so it might be a beneficial thing to get out for discussion.
The benefit at the end of this conversation is that you unlock the ability to masturbate together when you both want sexy time, but at least one of you don’t have the energy for full on sex. Masturbating together can be extremely intimate, and you are reasonable enough to accept he will probably still need personal time but he might feel safe getting that at more reasonable hours if he knows you are okay with it.
If it happens occasionally or in addition to sex with you, not a big deal. If it’s a regular thing instead of sex with you, there’s a problem that needs to be discussed.
I’d be upset about it. Ask him why he’d rather do that than do something real with you?
Talk with him about it. But- from my personal life: Sometimes I just get horny, even just hours after having sex. My wife and I have had fantastic sex before –afternoon delight— like afternoon, evening. And then late at night after she’s gone to bed, I’ll just suddenly have sexy thoughts and masturbate. Not saying he couldn’t have taken you up on the sex hints at dinner and then he went straight to bed… but it might not mean he’s not totally into you if that’s part of your concern here. Sometimes I personally just get horny and have to masturbate late in the night, after sex is off the table (short of waking up my wife, which isn’t my style– if she’s asleep, she needs her rest and Do Not Disturb). He might not have been in the mood after dinner, but just, damn- the lil monster awoke from its slumber at 2am, and…….
I would not date someone who preferred to go solo instead of have sex with me.
The important part tho, does this reflect your sexual life in general or was it a one time thing?
It would make me feel bad. Like you wanted sex but not with me but rather pixels on a screen
You should be mad. Porn and JO is what you do when no girl is around to give you the real thing!
I think there’re 2 scenarios.
1. You’re having a good sexual relationship, and both of you are happy with each other in this aspect – frequency, feeling, kinks, you think about each other’s pleasure, etc.
or
2. You have problems in your sexual relationship, maybe he doesn’t like sex with you, maybe he’s addicted to porn, etc.
If it’s the 1st scenario then probably he couldn’t sleep and that’s how it ended with him jerking of. But, if it’s the 2and scenario then you’ll have to have a serious conversation.
Latley my husband had been watching tic toc or porn and I think he is jacking off. We have been together over 30 yrs and recently I got him flirting with women on Facebook and telling them they are beautiful and hot, sexy which he hasn’t told me in a long time. So I told him to get off social media. But when I check his phone he has hidden apps this one for once. He has troubles staying hard and he cums too quick. So I’m thinking maybe that is why he is checking if he can get hard. My problem is if he watches porn why wouldn’t he have sex with me? I would love a man’s opinion. I don’t think I’m bad looking. Im 120 pounds medium size boobs and love sex. So what is his problem. When I asked him why he was flirting he said because I never prance around in sexy clothes but he has never even asked me to do that. He knows I love to row play. I’m at that Point I feel like finding me someone to fuck and the hell with him.
It is perfectly fine for you to feel whatever way you want about it, but it doesn’t make it wrong. The correct thing for you to do no matter who your partner is to have open and honest conversations about your expectations and what bothers you. Now that doesn’t mean your partner has to agree with you or change anything. We are all our own person and have our own things that we like, enjoy, and want to do. We shouldn’t expect to change that just because the other person doesn’t like or agree with it. You accept your partner and the things that they do or you don’t. If you can’t accept them you should move on.
Are yous in a DB or enjoy a healthy sex life?
So.. I’m a person who has done this (26F) in my marriage. When I was still on birth control, my sex drive was shit and sex was painful. When my husband would ask for sex I would struggle with wanting to be intimate and get off, but I didn’t want the pain of penetrative sex. It took a lot of open discussion to sort this out.
Another reason I would do this is that I need a lot of time to get turned on. Like almost to the point of needing to schedule sex so I could get in the right headspace. So if my husband suggested it at 6pm, it would simmer in my mind until I was ready and fully aroused by 1am. At that point my husband would be asleep and he has a hard enough time sleeping that I didnt want to wake him for something so silly (although he would argue that it was a very valid reason to wake him). Just have the conversation.
My current girlfriend does this to me as well, I’ll be begging to bring more sex into the relationship and she will use her toys while I’m at work. I feel your pain
Sounds like it’s time for a different partner
You feel like you violated his private time? When you wake up at 2am and your spouse isn’t in the bed and you’re concerned, you go see what they’re doing. I would absolutely be upset. If you made a few comments, then he definitely knows that you were looking forward to it before bed. Unfair.
Kinda hard to comment without knowing both sides. That shit is deep so…
He might have felt bloated/unsexy after dinner. Might of woke up horny and didn’t want to disturb you.
Masturbate with him face each other and watch each other as you cum
“Private time” is ok as long as it doesn’t interfere with the marriage. His is, this is a problem.
Confront him and talk to him about this. I think anyone would feel the same way you are in your position.
I would be upset if I were you. I’m sorry he neglected you.
I’m
I acted like this many, many years ago. I’m so old.
For me it was because I wasn’t getting what I wanted in the bedroom, but I also couldn’t figure out how to talk about it like an adult. I didn’t see the point of putting in the effort to have sex when at the end I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied.
My partner didn’t do anything wrong, she most likely would have jumped at whatever I suggested. But I didn’t want to take the chance of her rejecting me, so I didn’t say anything at all. It’s a lonely place to be for both parties.
If his private time was where you could walk in and find him at it he can’t really have a legitimate gripe. That said, maybe he just woke up, couldn’t get back to sleep, and wanted to rub one out to help him relax. I’d say the best thing would be just to talk plain talk to him about it and say “hey, no shade, but I felt a little upset by x. Can we talk about it and maybe see if we can find a way to communicate our needs a little better?”. I can’t see any man that likes being around you having a problem with that approach.
This is definitely an issue and you won’t solve it unless you be direct with him.
this doesn’t make any sense at all because i would’ve woken you up if i was suddenly in the mood with what puts you in the mood.
I don’t get mad, I get even. Next time after dinner you go to bed and masturbate to something that makes you hot. Then maybe next time it will end up an after dinner mutual masturbation and everyone gets off!  Don’t make a big deal out of it or he’ll know how to push your buttons.
Dang I felt this, one night years ago I been telling my GF during a dry spell that I wanted sex and she knew. Caught her masturbating instead, hurt but we moved past it lol
I’m this case I would be hugely offended. You had a date night and clearly said you wanted sex and he waited until you were asleep and jerked it instead. This is a hard no for me and a strike.
My gf caught me jacking it in another room to porn instead of having sex with her, so I feel somewhat qualified to give an answer here.
In my case this is how it went down…
She caught me, and was very upset. She accused me of messing around on her.
To prove I wasn’t she wanted to see what was on my phone, to check that it was porn.
I refused to show her, and said I’d deleted the history when I saw heard her coming.
She then demanded to know what kind of porn it was.
I refused to tell her.. for around 20 minutes of her arguing with me.. but then for some reason she persisted and I ended up telling her what type of porn it was.
She then criticised me for the type of porn and made wild accusations basically calling me a freak and morally corrupt.
We argued for a good few hours on the matter, it was pretty harrowing.
TLDR:
So, if you love this man and want to stay with him.. I would advise approaching the situation gently. Make sure he knows that if he wants sex with you he can have it, even if it’s 2am. Obviously you’d like it earlier in the night, but for whatever reason if it’s late then it’s late. You could more generally ask him about what type of porn he watches, or what fantasises he has or whatever. This may give you some clue as to if he feels as if he is ‘missing out’ on something in particular that he needs to turn to porn for. Now, these may both draw a blank but they are good starting points. Ultimately you want to play on this guys fantasies to get him hot and horny for you, and the more you have sex the more he will want to have sex with you providing it’s good and the type of sex he wants. Now even if you did everything right, and he was getting just what he needed, then he still may wish to watch porn.. But my girlfriend phrased it like.. If she weren’t around then I can watch porn sure.. it’s not cheating, but if she’s there and wanting to have sex and I go and watch porn instead then that is not right. I wouldn’t be so outright with that opinion and force it on him but you can hold it to yourself as you figure out your approach.