Original post
Former friend wants to rekindle our friendship after suffering a bereavement- I’m reluctant from relationships
UPDATE:
I (27F) was blown away by all your advice and responses so I just wanted to update you all- I followed the advice of the majority on here and let my former friend (23F) down as gently as possible.
I told her how sorry I am for her loss and that I can’t imagine how hard things are for her but I couldn’t see us going back to the way we were.
I said how a lot of hurtful stuff went on and how I don’t think I can offer the type of support she needs at this point in time.
She actually reacted much better than expected and wished me good luck with everything. Which broke my heart a bit as, despite the difficulties, we did have some great times too. But I know deep down it was toxic- someone mentioned being an ‘emotional sponge’ which was super accurate lol. I am one. I do tend to put other’s feelings ahead of my own because I know how it feels to feel low and don’t want anyone else to feel that way.
Thank you all so much for all the advice and responses, I’m honestly blown away by how many I got. I’m trying so hard to get better at setting boundaries and sticking up for myself.. it’s hard due to my experiences growing up but today was a start at least. Thank you all again, I definitely feel like I’ve made the right decision despite it being a hard one.
TL;DR: I followed the advice given on here and ended the friendship in question.
21 comments
You did great, glad it went better than expected!
Good on you for sticking to your guns! Best wishes to both you and your former friend, sounds like she’s changing for the better.
Thank you for letting us know what happened. It’s never easy, but in the end you need to protect and think of yourself. ❤️
It’s really great that you advocated for your mental peace and boundaries. Your friend went through something traumatic and it caused an upset in her life; these types of upsets often lead to people entering the headspace of “life is short, let bygones be bygones and mend bridges” which is fine in theory except in practice most people haven’t done the fundamental work needed to address the toxic behaviors that led to the collapse of the relationship in the first place. In time she would have fallen back into the patterns of denigrating you and sponging off of you and you would have found yourself weary all over again. It was kind of you to wish her well and still have so much empathy for her. Hopefully the fact that you are maintaining these boundaries causes her to consider her own behaviors moving forward. That would likely be the best possible outcome for everyone.
Proud of you! ❤️
Well done. Remember YOUR comfort and well-being comes first.
This is very successful and I’m so happy for you! Congrats!
Great job!! Assert those boundaries! I’m glad it worked out for you, in its own way
Awesome work! Setting boundaries is hard when you haven’t been raised to do so. You should be proud of yourself. You have to make sure your needs are taken care of before helping someone else’s. Remember: you can’t pour from an empty cup.
As they tell you on the airlines: “Secure your own oxygen mask, before assisting others!” Doesn’t it feel good to stand up for yourself and not give in to your former friend’s constant neediness?
Boundary-setting is a new habit for you, and like any new habit, it will take a bit of practice before it feels more comfortable and routine. But you are off to a great start. Congratulations!
I was curious how this would turn out, as I have had friendships like this in the past as well. Glad you stood your ground.
Work on those boundaries going forward
First off, congrats at choosing to prioritze your mental health and peace over someone else’s. That’s a really good step, and it sets you on a great path to have healthier relationships.
To aid in that, it might help to read “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie – this book teaches the reader about personal boundaries, how damaging their absence is to every relationship, romantic or not, and how to identify your own boundaries, communicate them, and enforce them. Sounds like you’re already on your way, but this might help you get there faster.
Good luck, OP – hope you have a peaceful, respected, and supported life ahead of you.
I’m glad you took the advice to let your former friend remain a *former* friend. I had a similar experience with a toxic past friend who wanted to pick things up again. While I was considering whether I wanted to let her closer to my life again, I read her social media and she talked about us being friends again like it was already a done deal and was already talking shit about me again, saying “TeaMistress needs to get over herself” as though she wasn’t responsible for her own bad behavior. I noped right out of that reconciliation. “I think the distance we have right now is the right amount of space for us.”
People don’t tend to change much unless life forces them to and they’re open to it.
Good for you. I totally understand it being momentarily (I hope) heartbreaking to hear someone like that react in the positive way. Boundaries are difficult at first, but get easier to enforce the longer you do it.
This kind of thing is super hard so good job on protecting yourself and being as kind as you could. That’s awesome
>Which broke my heart a bit as, despite the difficulties, we did have some great times too.
One way to look at this is that it’s best to end a relationship when you still have those good memories to look back on, and not let it deteriorate it further.
It’s honoring the good in the relationship, and letting it end when it needs to before it continues to hurt both of you more.
I’m actually going through a very similar situation as you and the other person tried to rekindle it during the holidays but it just didn’t feel right. This post brought so much clarity. Thank you
You go girl!! I had a similar situation where I had a BFF that treated me like trash. I finally had enough and dumped her, blocked her on everything, etc. She tried to use a mutual friends death to talk to me again, but I was like nope, she said some unforgivable things and I just can’t be friends with someone like that. I know how hard it is, so good for you for sticking to your guns, and I’m glad it worked out for you.
I remember reading the original post! I’m rly proud of you. You absolutely made the right call I hope you continue to prioritize and value your own needs, you deserve it <3
I’m so happy to read you stayed strong and put yourself first. It sounds like it’s not easy for you to do so good on you!
I’m very proud of you