We’re all in our late 20s/early 30s. My brother-in-law + wife are these kind of people that hardly reply in our family group chat (of 5), only if they’re addressed directly and it’s relating to something of their interest. We meet them for family holidays/festivities (that’s organized by my MIL) but we have almost no other friendly interaction with them because they’re just not responsive on chat. My SO isn’t super close to his brother, so if they communicate its mostly about pragmatic stuff. They might be a more socially reclusive couple but some stuff is really minimal common courtesy. My BIL’s wife seems nice when you meet her in person, which is why I was even more surprised that she’s lacking so much common sense on other occasions. Both of them dont reciprocate stuff (e.g. us sharing the Netflix subscription with them, but them not sharing their Disney+ one), dont reach out directly to us (they’re visiting us with the MIL for a family holiday but we haven’t heard a single word from them directly about them coming but their MIL is always telling us what they told her), sometimes don’t even respond to what’s common courtesy (e.g. us asking if things are going well/if they need help with something, they don’t even reply).
I don’t even consider them to be on a friends level but rather acquaintances, although my SO sees them as family and makes efforts in involving them. I’d usually drop these kind of people because I’ve learned to set my boundaries and it’s not worth my time, but with these I’m kinda stuck cuz my MIL keeps bringing us together and my SO is trying to be a nice family member.
I can’t help but feel a dislike for them, even though I know when we meet we are friendly with each other. I’m not looking forward to the family holiday and feel like it’s kinda fake/a waste of time. It bothers me that I’m wasting time even thinking about them or stressing about how not to be too friendly so that we don’t feel like we got taken advantage of again.
What’s the best course of action to cast them out of my mind?
1 comment
>some stuff is really minimal common courtesy
First, what is common courtesy for one may not be common courtesy for the other. Different upbringings can do that.
You mention your SO talking to their brother mostly about practical stuff. Maybe that’s how it is in their family? In my family we also talk mostly about practical stuff, for us it kinda feels like wasting time of the other to call someone to chat randomly without any purpose.
About sharing subscriptions. 1. Have you asked them about it? 2. They might have a plan that does not have as many users aviable as your netflix plan, so they can’t share.
About them contacting the MIL. Maybe she is the organiser of the event and thus they talk with the organiser/representative instead of jugling multiple people at the same time.
In my family we tend not to ask how things are going or if they need help as my family is more of a “if we have something to tell/ask we will do it, no need to pry/interogate”. So maybe they have something similar.
Do things because you like it and not because you expect the same thing in return. Like i shared a šakotis with my coworkers because i wanted to and not because i expect to get something in return. Give because you enjoy giving and not because you hope to get something in return.
TLDR: they might have a different communication/behavioural style/expectations from you, so things that are obvious to you might not be obvious to them (and vice versa).
What you could do:
1. Tell them what is your communication/behavioural style/expectations and aks them about theirs. Maybe you can find a middle ground, each will see that some things that common courtesy for one is not seen as that by the other. So you both could learn about the common courtesies of the other.
2. Don’t expect them to recipocrate your “common courtesies”.