I have been dating my GF (now ex) for three years. She had good qualities about her, but the cons outweighed the pros. It got to a certain point where I felt like I needed to separate for mental health reasons. This was two weeks ago. As I sit alone in my apartment I wonder if the qualities I am thinking about, are just common females and I was being too critical. I had a coworker say (sounds like every female I know). Am I asking for a unicorn female?
1) If she is having a bad day, ***everyone*** is going to have a bad day. Her roommate, her mom, her coworkers, etc. You cannot talk her out of it, and you will not be able to fix it. You simply have to wait till the next day starts.
2) She struggles to have conversations that do not involve talking poorly of someone else. When I hear her facetime phone calls with friends, they are always gossiping, but it is typically talking down on someone else. It is not your typical “who is dating who” conversations, it is “Did you see how ugly/fat (insert name) got?” Sometimes she tries to have me join in by asking my opinion, but I never know who they are talking about anyways.
3) She gets agitated when other females are close to me in a public space. At the gym, at work, at a bar, etc. The girl could be zoned in or busy doing something and not even look in my direction, and I will glance at my girlfriend and see her glaring at me. But then she laughs it off when I catch her. She is not joking though.
4) She seems to always be wronged in some way, every day by someone. Whether she thinks the mechanic is being rude to her, her coworker got promoted instead of her, she was given the worst shifts on purpose, the barista “purposefully” spelled her name wrong etc. Seems like she always feels like she is the victim of something, and will call me crying about it. Like actual tears. This happens a couple times a week. I never know what to say, cause either it feels like it is a drastic overreaction, or it honestly sounds like she is the one who messed up in the situation. I typically just nod my head and listen. If I try to ask for more of an explanation she lashes out at me. Especially if I don’t understand what she is telling me the first time. She then will say I said something to her that made it worse and that’s why she is crying., while I have no recollection of saying what she is accusing me of, at all.
5) She struggles to celebrate things that are meaningful to me. I ended up passing this huge exam I studied 3 months for. Her response was “Cool babe, did you see what happened to (insert name) last night?” Another time when I finally got a job that I had interviewed 3 rounds for. She said “I am happy for you! Did you see how good I looked last night? You didn’t comment on my Instagram story”
6) She is not a fan of sex, it seems like she puts up with it to keep the relationship alive. She has never initiated it once, and there have been a lot of times where she just backs out of completely. We will be getting down to it and then she changes her mind which I respect then back off. I have asked her what she wants, what she likes, and she just responds with “I mean everything is fine the way it is.” She always talks about wanting to get married, but the thought of being in a sexless marriage terrifies me. And I have never heard of sex increasing after marriage. It typically decreases.
Mind you all these scenarios have been going on for years, none of them are one offs. I just got numb and used to it. But it got to a certain point where I felt like my life was just so full negativity when she was around. I want to be a good boyfriend, but I am not equipped to be a therapist at all and its hard to support her with combination of her anxiety, anger and outbursts.
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TLDR; Ended relationship of 3 years with my GF for the following reasons. But people I talk to told me that I just explaining was just “females in relationships in general”. But I refuse to believe that, at least to the extent that I went through with my GF.
1) Has more bad days then good days, and if her day is bad, no one can have a good day.
2) She struggles to have conversations if the topic does not include gossip, negativity, or talking poorly of other people.
3) She is super protective of me in public. I have never cheated nor hinted at cheating. Other females will be minding their business and she gets irritated with them if they are in my vicinity.
4) She is always a victim of every situation, and it seems like everyone is always out to get her. She reacts but crying multiple times a week, and gets angry when I don’t understand why she is so upset even if I validate her feelings which sometimes is not warranted.
5) She can’t celebrate my small or big wins in my life. The conversation has to steer back to a topic about her one of them listed in #2.
6) It is obvious sex is a chore to her, and I have tried multiple avenues to fix this. She always talks about getting married by I know sex declines after marriage.
36 comments
No, these behaviors are not normal relationship behaviors, nor typical of women. I think you made the right choice breaking up with her.
That being said – I hope you reconsider repeatedly using the term “females” and simply say “women” instead. “Females” is frequently used in a derogatory manner to dehumanize women, and many women do not want to be called that.
Also, if you’re surrounded by friends who think this kind of behavior is just expected and accepted for women, are those really the kinds of friends you want in your circle? Friends should be able to support you when you’re in an unhealthy relationship, not minimize the problem.
No these are not “female” things – these are poorly emotional regulation things. Your ex is selfish, negative, and possessively insecure. Negativity will grind you into a fine powder if you bathe in it.
You made the right decision. Go find someone with joy in their heart, not anger.
I think that the problem is not about women per se. I think the problem is that you found yourself dating a selfish arsehole. And they come in all shapes, sizes and sexes.
And that’s all there is to it.
Enjoy your freedom and now keep an eye out for similar personality traits and if you find them in a prospective partner, run.
She sounds toxic and exhausting.
Congratulations on making the tough decision to improve the quality of your life.
No these things are not attributes common to women. Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I am not a mental health professional but she seems to tick a lot of the boxes).
You did the right thing, apart from calling women ‘females’. You can do a lot better than her. Anyone who thinks all women act like her has an unreasonably low opinion of women.
Yep these are not normal and it’s frankly quite sexist to assume that all women are like this. You deserve someone who is an active partner in your relationship, who will support you, grow with you, and add to your life in a positive way. We all have bad days but it’s how those bad days affect those around us that really speak to our character. You made the right choice and I wish you best of luck in finding the right person some day 🙂
Honestly? She sounds absolutely exhausting and self absorbed.
Find someone who doesn’t live on Insta and TikTok. This also means that they will likely not be obsessed with surface physical things that may have initially attracted you to her.
I promise you, life will be much better if you date someone who doesn’t want a Kardashian life.
These are definitely not all females thing. While yes I sometimes have bad days and I’m upset once I’ve talked it out I’m usually not as upset anymore might still be a bit down but I always try to make sure it doesn’t effect anyone else. Personally while I feel like everyone technically gossips I don’t rudely talk about people to others if I’m upset or mad at someone I might say some mean things about them but I usually don’t mean it and am just venting to get my feeling out then I’m calm and look at the situation again and then deal with it.
I’ve never been in a real relationship so I can’t say about the staring down other women thing but I don’t care if other women are near or around my man the only issue I would have is if she is like all up on him and like pressing her boobs into him. Just like I don’t care if my man thinks other women are attractive cause alot of women are hot as fuck just like some other guys are hot as fuck. Just no touching other people if you want to do that then break up with me first.
I know I’m not always the victim and hell I might be a villain in someone else’s story I try not to be and sometimes I am the victim and sometimes it’s my mind playing tricks on me.
Congratulations on your exam and on your job those things sound amazing and she should have celebrated with you. Personally I would have suggested getting whatever you want for dinner and I would make you whatever desert you wanted as a celebration
Now the sex thing is different for every person some men and women have high sex drives and some have low ones so it’s just a individual type thing.
Good call. Put it in the rear view mirror
I’m so proud of you for breaking up with her! You did the right thing. You seem like a great bf too and person! Congrats on passing that exam and getting that job:) I wish you all the best and I truly hope you find a gorgeous kind lady that is as sweet as pie! You deserve that. Good luck!
I think it’s smart you broke up with her. She sounds toxic, insecure, exhausting and very immature. I’m a woman and have a lot of friends and that’s not women being women. Your partner is supposed to be your biggest supporter. Your partner is supposed to bring you peace not pain.
You did the right thing, your ex sounds pretty toxic and that must have been draining. No group is a monolith. Don’t settle for people who bring you down constantly, it’s better to be single than to date someone who consistently makes you unhappy.
If all women were like *this*, all sexist assholes would be correct in saying we’re not capable of doing XYZ because **damn**, this list.
And as a woman, I am profoundly offended that your friends think we’re all assholes such as your ex; excuse you, *men* can have these exact same issues (if not more or **worse**).
Trust me, you can find a woman who isn’t *this*, and she won’t be a unicorn, she’ll be… A good person, and they exist aplenty.
These are not “woman” things. All of these are issues. She needs therapy and a taste of reality. You absolutely can find someone who is not this way!! You were right to end this relationship because this woman is clearly toxic.
My only advice is “leave sooner next time.” Trust your gut; trust your boundaries; put up with less.
We’re called “women” not “females.”
Despite your off-putting choice of words, it sounds like your ex girlfriend just isn’t a healthy person. Anyone who thinks all women are like that has a misogynistic mindset about women and you should be careful associating with them.
Nah, she sounds insufferable and like a horribly negative influence in your life. I think once some more time has passed you will definitely see how her not being around will improve your mood and outlook on life.
You deserve someone who is just as excited about you as you are them. Someone who celebrates your successes and cares about your passions. It sounds like your ex only wanted to celebrate other people’s downfalls and bad luck to feel better about her own pathetic and miserable existence tbh.
I can’t even get through your post. Stop calling women “females”. It’s gross.
She sounds absolutely insufferable. Good people aren’t like that. A healthy relationship isn’t like that. There is absolutely way better out there and you should seek it
She sounds exhausting and emotionally draining. I’m a woman. I have hung up on people like your gf. I mean ok you can have a rough patch but come on. I recently lost my Mom, had to get the death certificate today. I called my best friend. First thing I said, “How was your day? You had that appointment today, how did that go?” It went well and I was happy for her. We talked about that and her family and her dog! Then she asked me how things went because she knew about today. But it wasn’t all about me.
By the way congratulations on that exam!
Relationships are work but it needs 2 people working on it or it will never work. The right one is out there.
OP google Hot Crazy matrix and then tell us, did you put up with this crazy because she was hot? And are you willing to consider that if you want a less crazy partner you may have to be more careful with your selection process?
She is going to drive everyone out of her life if she doesn’t examine herself and her thoughts. She sounds highly negative. Good for you for being able to separate yourself from that.
Good riddance, dude.
Think of branching out socially. People tend to attract the same type of person. Your group of friends might have become an echo chamber for each other. Do they mostly have unkind gossipy views or attitudes? My parents share many of the qualities your ex has and I find them incredibly exhausting. So when I left home I purposely sought out people who are considerate and positive. If they showed signs of poor emotional regulation i would distance myself.
This is key, I also worked on reciprocating that kindness. Try volunteering with organizations that you respect so you can be around more giving people. I volunteer quite a bit and have met incredible people.
Why is your coworker so misogynist? There’s not a multi-body entity made of 4 billion units sharing a hive mind, called “female”. The multi-body female identity is a myth and you’re clearly surrounded by sexist men if you reached 28 years on this planet ignoring that fact.
With that said, most “females” (do you mean, women?) do share negative experiences based on misogyny. Yes, the male mechanics are rude to us, more often that not. I’m a physicist but a huge number of men who never went to university tried to explain gravity or light to me.
But: her being mean to the planet when she has a bad day is a her thing, not a female thing, and is not good. Her being negative and talking poorly of other people is a her thing. Her being protective of you displaying to the world that she “owns you” is a her thing. Her not being able to celebrate your wins is a her thing. Her not liking sex is a her thing. Don’t date her. Don’t date women like her. There are plenty of “females” out of the “hive”.
these aren’t “females being females” – this is a manic narcissist
Good on ya. Sounds awful
I don’t think the 6 things you mentioned = ” just common females”–I think it’s specific to your ex-gf.
She sounds self-absorbed, negative and possessive as well as immature.
Hoping for your next gf to be a much better partner than your last one. Good luck.
your friends are being misogynists and idiots, this is not a “females being females” thing. your ex has serious problems with possessiveness and self centered, and this isnt something you can fix for her nor deserve to put up with
What you describe reminds me of [this video](https://youtu.be/dW1zd-ePPoQ).
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RUN!!!!!!
Not one thing you describe is typical of girls or women.
You may be surprised to learn that girls and women all have different personalities and interests, almost like they’re people.
Your ex girlfriend sounds like someone who was depressed, unhappy, and who didn’t share interests or hobbies with you, she didn’t sound like she was sexually attracted to you, nor like she cared about your happiness nor your accomplishments.
What made you want to move from dating to being boyfriend/girlfriend? What made you want to move in together?
For your next relationship, please spend the time you’re going on dates, looking for shared interests, and to see if you and she are both attracted to each other. Look for someone who is interested in getting to truly know more about you and your life, and who is sexually attracted to you. You want to continue dating someone with whom you have easy conversations, and who you feel happier when you’re together.
Nope. You did right by leaving. She has issues.
Sounds like my ex-wife.
Going to be straight with you, be happy you got out now. There are loads of amazing women out there. I think it’s the thing of finding someone actually well adjusted and happy on themselves.
I also don’t think this is just a male problem, there are a lot (and I mean a lot) of women I know who have very similar complaints about boyfriends or husbands.
Honestly, it’s better to just be out of a toxic situation like that, single and happy with yourself rather than stuck in a terrible relationship that mentally screws you up.