This is a woman who married into the family so I cannot avoid her. The worse part is she likes me because we have lots of things in common. However if I have to talk to her one more time on the phone I’m going to scream. Phone calls have lasted as long as 5 hours with her as she goes on and on in a monologue which I cannot stop because there isn’t even a 2 second pause. She goes into tiny details about everything and talks to herself to get those details right.
Here’s how a conversation goes:
Her: Hi. What have you been doing?
Me: Not a lot, just cleaning up the house today.
Her: Oh, I need to get busy on doing that. I never seem to have time. I hate the way my house is. It’s so dirty it reminds me of a neighbor I had in North Carolina. Sally lived next door, so I just had to walk out the front door, down the stairs, out the gate and about 25 feet to get to the front of her house that had a white picket fence that she built with the help of her father, Ben. Or maybe it was more like 50 feet. I’m so bad at measuring distances. I can’t tell if something is a foot or 10 feet away and I had so much trouble in school because of that. I started hating math and my dad would smack me if I failed a class. But anyway, the picket fence turned out nice and wasn’t like the usual picket fence. I think it was made out of wider pickets than normal. Sally’s dad was a great carpenter which he learned from his dad, James. No, I think his name was Peter, one of those Biblical names because their family was very religious………….
I can actually not say a work for up to 45 minutes. When she seemed to realize I wasn’t interested a few times when I fell asleep while she was talking, she started saying “Right?” every couple couple of minutes and now I can be doing something else and answer “Right” automatically.
4 comments
No.
Eesh. That is a sticky situation. Here’s what I think.
Step 1 would be gentle honesty. State the problem you’re having with the phone calls as tactfully as you can, face to face if you can manage it. (I say face to face because it’s removing both of you from the phone call dynamic. You’re more likely to get your point across if you’re not in the same environment that the problem is occurring in.) For example: “[family member] I feel like whenever we talk on the phone, our conversations are extremely one-sided. While I am interested in your life and want to catch up, (it’s okay if that’s a bald faced lie, you’re trying to let her down easy) I find it hurtful that you don’t seem to have the same interest in mine. For me, this is damaging to our relationship, and I don’t think either one of us want that. (Again, lie through your teeth if you have to) Can we work on making our conversations more balanced?”
If she takes that well, fantastic, hopefully you’ll have an improved relationship. If she doesn’t….
Step 2 is setting some boundaries. Whenever you see her on caller ID, I want you to set a timer. Set it for 15 minutes, 20 minutes, even 10 minutes if that feels right at the moment. Pick up the phone, say hi, and tell her immediately that you only have [x] amount of time to talk today. You can give her an excuse as to why or you can be vague, it doesn’t matter. When that timer goes off, tell her you need to leave, say goodbye, and hang up. Do NOT feel guilty about this.
Part of having adult relationships is respecting each other’s time and space. That’s why I said you don’t have to give an excuse if you don’t want to. You don’t owe her an excuse. If she still can’t respect your time and space….
Step 3 is to go low contact. This would be moving into the “consequences” phase of action. You can say something like “[family member], I’ve expressed how I feel about our phone calls, and I’m not seeing a shift from you. I feel as though you’re not respecting my time or our relationship, and this is hurtful to me. Because of this, I’m going to need some space from you.” From there, don’t answer her calls unless you want to. You can also respond to her calls with text messages. You don’t owe her your time or energy if she’s going to continue to steamroll you.
Hopefully she’ll get the message and clean up her act, but if she melts down and starts causing drama….
Step 4 would be to involve your loved ones. This is really the option of last resort, and I hope it doesn’t get there for you. The only reason I’m even suggesting this is because if someone continually refuses to handle an interpersonal conflict privately without dragging everyone else in too, you’re out of options. At this point, be honest about the five hour conversations. Tell them how drained you were by them. Tell them all the steps you took to alleviate the situation, and how you feel like you’ve been backed into a corner here simply for trying to have a more appropriate relationship. Unfortunately, conflicts that reach this stage rarely end cleanly. Again, I really really hope this doesn’t happen to you. No one needs this kind of mess in their lives just for wanting some peace and quiet.
I wish you the best of luck here. You got this. Be firm, stand your ground, and stick to your boundaries.
“Can you please shut the F*ck up”
Either tell her respectfully or go airplane mode to cancel the call without her noticing u cut