I, 30F, married my college sweetheart, 32M, at a young age. We’ve been together since we were 19/21 yrs old. We were each others first serious relationship and we’ve only ever been physically intimate with each other…. even kissing. The sex at beginning was amazing of course because it was new to us. But overtime, I feel it’s plateaued. Like I don’t think either of us are great at it- we’re not bad ( I don’t think) but we’re very basic at it or like we’re very much still beginners.
I’ve been open with my husband about wanting to practice our sex skills and even made some suggestions, sent some spicy porn videos of things we should try to learn and work on. He was totally for it, but I don’t feel he’s actually trying to improve. He still kinda rushes through it because he gets so excited and when I ask for feedback he doesn’t give me much. He’ll say it all feels good or it doesn’t feel any different. I feel like he gets annoyed I’m ruining the mood by asking all these questions ( I usually ask after the act or the next day during what I feel is an appropriate time when he not busy. If I ask during the act, I try to keep things sexy with a short question like “do you like that? Faster? Do you want more?”), but he deflects the convo or is obviously uninterested , so I feel bad and just shut down. I think I crave a more wild sexual life than he does, or maybe has the same curiosities as I do.. who knows he’s hard to get to open up whereas I’m an open book with him.
I have weak moments of intrusive thoughts where I wonder what it would be like to be single and have casual sex to explore more of my sexuality learning from different experiences with different partners. I wonder if other experienced men would do things to help me discover what I like and also show me how to be a better lover. I don’t know if I give good bjs or do a good cowgirl because I’ve only been with my husband who can’t really give me feedback because he also lacks experience with others and a point of reference. I sometimes wish we took a break to explore ourselves sexually (and romantically/emotionally too) to see if our love for each other was strong and compatible for marriage vs always having this “what if” question in the back of my mind.
Has any one else experienced this doubt/curiosity? Did this lead to cheating or divorce for any of you? Any advice would be much appreciated. I feel awful for these thoughts But can’t shake them. :/
15 comments
Tried sexting
I would say people tend to overthink and put a lot of value in having multiple sex partners. That aside, the human nature is something that keeps you always looking for something else that you are lacking or better options.
On the other side, people are not replaceable and we tend too to not value the good things we already have.
This is a tough one.
I would say that you probably need to have a real conversation with your husband about your sex life. So often I see posts here and think “tell them THIS, what you wrote here!”, but I know that it’s not always that easy when the other person doesn’t really want to be a part of the conversation.
But, tell him that you want to explore your sexual side more. Introduce him to this sub maybe. (change some details in the post here if you do)
>I think I crave a more wild sexual life than he does
Do you have anything in particular that you want to try? Even a change of mood for sex could be good, more raw, wild, calm, tantric, intimate, emotional. They’re kind of nebulous words, and it does take two to tango, but he really does need to fall in line and try to learn some new steps.
>I wonder if other experienced men would do things to help me discover what I like and also show me how to be a better lover.
Unfortunately I think you’d find a mix bag out there… Maybe you’d find a partner you like, maybe you’d find a lot of duds. Single life isn’t always that great or easy, and the next partner may not be as good as your last.
>I don’t know if I give good bjs or do a good cowgirl because I’ve only been with my husband who can’t really give me feedback because he also lacks experience with others and a point of reference.
Don’t dismiss his opinions just because you think he doesn’t know better. Sex isn’t necessarily something to compare across partners.
>Has any one else experienced this doubt/curiosity? Did this lead to cheating or divorce for any of you?
My first marriage was like this. I always felt that I had a much larger sexual appetite and was more adventurous than my ex, and the ex after that… I still haven’t really explored it yet either…
Honestly, it always… ALWAYS… comes back to communication. If he won’t engage in conversation surrounding this then I don’t know if it will improve.
I will say this though, when I really opened up and spoke frankly, and said something that I was certain would lead to a poor response from my exes, 9 times out of 10 they surprised me and we were able to talk it out.
How late into your relationship you started to have these thoughts? And maybe swinging might be an idea?
Gather you thoughts and focus on being exclusive. The world is filled with people wanting more sexual partners. But being exclusive is what makes a relationship strong and trustful. Don’t let these thoughts ruin what you currently have. Imagining something and finding it attractive and then pursuing it might be ludicrous but in the long term would leave you with nothing but regrets.
Don’t do it to yourself and your partner.
Role play? Explore differences, maybe give him subtle hints on how that person should be hitting it by describing what you think it is you want to feel.
It too late now you should try to learn with him
Girl, if you have everything alright with your husband (other than sex) then don’t even THINK of open marriage or leaving him. Have counselling.
Chasing this curiosity outside marriage leads only to one thing, destruction of the family. Men are easy to mold, like a clay. All you gotta do is know how to shape it properly. But don’t ask your girlfriends, majority of girls don’t give right advice when it comes to guys.
“Sarah Dawn Moore” watch her content and you’ll learn the right way. My marriage was on the verge of divorce and I almost cheated on my husband bcs of the same reasons. But counselling and knowing how to properly communicate with men saved my marriage. It was hard for me to accept at first, but it’s true that men are wayyyy straight and simple when it comes to communication. Even our different tones have completely different meanings for them.
You’ll be tempted to cheat, but trust me, however thrilling that little adventure might seem, it’s not worth it. My friends had the same problems, they decided to find the solutions outside the marriage. Some did open relationships, some cheated. And each and every one of them regrets it and one of the husband finished himself. I decided to improve my communication and counselling, it worked. My life better than EVER! The intimacy is better than ever, and our attraction for each other is even better! It’s like our honeymoon phase all over again if not better.
Learn how mind of a guy works! “Just pearly things” and “Sarah Dawn Moore” Are a good place to start.
There is no value in multiple sexual partners, your in a loving relationship and that in itself is extremely hard to find.
Does he pay the bills? Does he keep a roof overhead, food on the table,? All I’m saying is you gotta get your fantasies in check go see a sex therapist if you need to do whatever you have to do, but don’t cheat on him don’t hurt him. I’m sure your husband has s**t*y days at work probably wants to quit sometimes but what keeps him going is that The love of his life he comes home he knows hes gonna see you there. What is I about him that completes you? You gotta get back to that.
Hope this helps.
I was married early and regretted it too, for exactly the same reason. My first wife was pretty mild mannered and I assumed pretty vanilla. We had a pretty good sex life, but I always assumed it was at the vanilla end of things. We broke up after 13 years and I found myself single.
After a couple years I hooked up with a girl who I had known for a long time. I figured it would be a one night stand, but one thing led to another and we ended up getting married. So my tally is now one early one night stand when I was very drunk, and two wives. So not a lot of experience.
But my second wife had a lot of experience. She has told me of “at least 30” boyfriends that she could name, I suspect it is actually double or more tbh.
So the sex should be amazing right? Well, she is certainly vigorous and has a raw primal need, but she makes my first wife look like a porn star. No oral, no anal, no toys, no dress ups. The kinkiest she gets is she likes having her nipples tweaked.
Don’t connect experience with quality. And if you have a good relationship, explore within it because you have already done all the groundwork for the relationship and established the trust.
See a couples sex counselor. Seek actual solutions. Porn can be fun, but is not a solution.
Until you’ve exhausted all avenues to your current relationship, don’t even think about going behind his back. If and only IF the counseling and efforts fail, and your just not into him and your relationship anymore (it happens) then it might be time for a change. But you must, and I can not stress this enough, MUST give it an honest full try.
Do you have kids together? If so even more of a reason to try and make it work. But don’t stay unhappy just because of the kids either. Sometimes it works out. I know people who coparent and have their own relationships and it works great for them.
You are brainwashed into thinking having multiple sex experiences will make you happy or more complete or whatever.
If you are happy, like your life and are stable in your relationship you should keep that and not ruin it for some fantasies
Try a Dildo
I’ve had a handful of sex partners, and the only thing I gained from that is the understanding that different women bring different things to the table. I would have been fine if my first sex partner had ended up being my forever partner. There is nothing particularly good about having sex with different people (nothing particularly bad about either)