My boyfriend has a bit of an anger management problem. He’s never gotten angry at me (we’ve only been dating for about 5 months) but he has gotten angry at other things while with me. Most of the time it causes him to get kind of rough (punching pillows or himself, but not destroying anything) or calling me names/being generally rude. I feel awful because I don’t know how to respond to this to help him. When he gets aggressive I just kind of sit there because l’m scared l’ll do something to upset him further.
When he insults me I just respond with “Okay” or some other 1 word answer to avoid conflict. I feel like such a shitty girlfriend for just sitting there while he’s losing it but it kind of puts me in this state of shock where I’m too scared to do anything or think of what’s logical enough to say.
I don’t want to just end things now without trying to help him. He’s aware of this issue and wants to get better.
2 comments
Hitting things around you can actually be assault. The other person doesn’t have to touch YOU for it to be domestic violence, him acting violent NEAR you is enough to cause a reasonable person that they may be harmed.
It might be hard to hear this… but these “anger issues” is just the “testing your boundaries” phase on the way to domestic violence.
The difference is people with real anger issues suffer with outburst all over, even though they regularly experience embarrassing & negative consequences.
Most people see them the same way; easily flustered to the point where they ruin stuff for themselves at school, work, home, with family, with friends, at church, when doing charity stuff… they can’t shut it off.
The guy who is abusive, but hides behind “anger issues” will hide his outbursts when it could hurt him socially or professionally. They are only showing you the dark side, everyone else is shown the solid worker, caring son, or generous friend. They are excessively worried about what other people would think, so any attempt to record the outbursts and he will turn on YOU.
Your instinct to accommodate his tantrums makes you a very attractive victim to hurt.
Domestic violence is especially nasty, because it uses the victims best qualities to turn into weapons against them. Patience, a willingness to fight for love, forgiveness, etc all become ingrown… like a tree wrapping it’s branches in towards your center, into a cage.
The stage you are in is testing, he’s seeing ic hd can mold you into someone who diminishes herself to keep the peace. That you will step backwards enough times until he has you cornered.
When they feel you are trapped, it gets worse. Moving in together, he gets a little worse, get pregnant, sadly it often gets much worst etc.
Run.
It is not your responsibility nor is it in your power to cure *his* anger problem. If he genuinely wants to get better, he needs to seek counseling and put in the work to change. Most people who say they want to get better don’t actually care enough to do anything. Please don’t resign yourself to walking on eggshells and letting him treat you like shit.