I (f 20)am starting to wonder if I need to break up with my bf (m 20) who I truly love because I feel like my needs aren’t being met…
We have been together for coming up on 3 years now and we used to be long distance until I moved to the same state for college. We had a bit of a rocky start as we both came from rough households and had a lot of trauma responses/issues to work through, but we helped each other through it and worked on our issues both individually and together. Before him I never had a bf or anything and he was my first everything. I fell in love with his goofy personality and how caring/supportive he was. He would do little things to make my day and always made sure I was happy. I have pretty severe eczema and can get very self conscious about the red patches all over me (on top of being incredibly uncomfortable), but he never made me feel bad about how it looked and would do any and everything he could to help. This was a really big deal to me, as I was used to being judged by a lot of people for the way I looked, and he was one of the few people I actually let see my struggles. For the first 2 years I was completely satisfied in our relationship and was over the moon happy to share an apartment with him.
Recently tho, I have been feeling like he isn’t interested in me anymore. He says he loves me all the time and when I bring these feelings up to him, he says that he is happy with our relationship. But I’ve been feeling kinda lonely for the last month or so and I’m not sure what changed. He got really into magic the gathering during our first year of college and I was happy that he found a hobby he really really enjoys…but now I’m starting to feel like he is more interested in playing this card game than hanging out with me. He always asks me if he can go out to play with his buddies and I always say yes, as I don’t want him to think I don’t care about things that are important to him. He plays nearly every day and is usually out anywhere from 4-8 hours playing. I usually wait for him to get home even, if that is near midnight sometimes, just so I can spend some time with him. When he gets home he goes on his computer and plays an online version, or fixes his decks, or puts on a podcast/YouTube about it. So he sits in his gaming corner and I go on my phone cause he’s super focused on his stuff. That wouldn’t bother me so much if he would just spend a bit of time one on one with me…
He isn’t diagnosed but ADHD runs in his family and magic seems to be his hyperfixation right now. He can’t sit still for more than 5 minutes, which makes cuddling really hard for him. Anytime I want just 30 minutes of snuggles he has to be on his phone (either on Reddit or other sites) looking at magic cards and stuff. I try to be understanding about it, as he has told me that it’s hard for him to just sit and do nothing, but I still kinda hurts my feelings. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but it’s not really a conversation as I do most of the talking and he doesn’t really have much to say (even when I directly ask him).
I feel like I don’t have high maintenance needs. I don’t need anything fancy, but I’d like a date every once in a while that I didn’t have to plan myself. My love languages are definitely physical touch and quality time, so all I really want is cuddles and to spend time with him. I feel like I meet his needs constantly but he doesn’t really reciprocate. For example, I’ll buy him a pack of magic cards every once in a while when I’m out grocery shopping cause I know he likes them. He’s a picky eater so I make sure to always keep his food stocked at the apartment. I buy him cookie dough to surprise him (he absolutely loves it). Just little things I do at least once a month if not more, to show him that I was thinking of him. But he doesn’t really do that kind of stuff for me anymore…I’m not asking for an extravagant gift every week, but idk surprising me with a coffee or something small like that would be nice sometimes. I feel like I’m putting a lot more effort into this than he does and it didn’t used to be this way.
The other issue that has been making me feel alone is sex. We used to have a pretty active sex life and it was great for both of us, but recently he seems to not want sex…like ever. He was my first, so I’m not exactly super experienced but I’ve tried giving him head a bunch of times and he’s said that he’s never really enjoyed it. That’s totally fine with me (I like breathing lol) but I enjoy getting head and he doesn’t do that anymore. When I’ve asked him he always says, well do you ever give me head? And yeah I try to, but he’s more interested in watching the TV than paying attention to what I’m doing and he’s said every time I’ve tried that he is just not into it. He also gets bored when I try to ride, so I’ve learned that he has to be the one doing things or he can’t stay focused on what we’re doing. I can live without head, but he seems to not ever want to have sex, even when I try to initiate it. I started to think that he didn’t find me attractive anymore and he seems completely uninterested. I’ve asked a few friends for advice about it as they’ve been in similar situations, and I tried doing the things they said (his fav lingerie, nothing on, etc.) but nothing has worked. I’m not really sure what else to do at this point and I don’t want to force him to do something if he’s not interested, but I’m sick of not having that close connection with him anymore.
So in short, I feel like he’s never home and when he is we aren’t spending quality time together because of his hyperfixation on magic the gathering. But I still really love him and he has told me he’s happy in this relationship. Besides these issues we have a really strong connection because of being long distance and we are still very much in love…So I’m not really sure what to do cause I really don’t want to break up over this.
Sorry for the rant I just really need advice.
1 comment
Heya, Fellow ADHD human here.
I feel for you. I also struggle with some of things that your boyfriend also struggles with. Staying focused, getting stimulation while being intimate with my girlfriend (hugging and such) and just hanging togeather. I struggle to find peace in my brain with just doing “nothing” even though it’s not really “nothing” is that make sense :-p please know that it’s nothing personal. It’s really an ADHD thing.
There are a few things I’d like to suggest. The first one being quality time. It’s important that you tell him, that you don’t feel like you’re spending enough quality time togeather and that you’d like to fix that. Your boyfriend does seem to care, but he might just lack motivation to come up with an idea to fix it, or not really know what to do. So, that’s where you come in. Instead of spending quality time at home with all of his distractions, go out. Find an activity or hobby that you two can do togeather. Say to him that you understand that spending time at home togeather doing low stimulation stuff is hard, so you’d like to spend at least 1 evening a week going out and doing something togeather. Something active, something catching, something to draw his attention. I know it’s hard but don’t take it personality if he does get distracted, our brains sometimes just stall, (for lack of a better term) and search for something to simulate themselves. Picking an activity that you two can do togeather could help you connect more and make sure that your relationship doesn’t fall into just… existing togeather.
The next thing is sex. It’s sort of the same thing, I’m not going to say that he isn’t interested in sex. He probably is, but it wouldn’t have the same “new fresh drive” as when you first met. But this isn’t really an ADHD thing, but more of just a normal relationship thing. The honey moon phase is full of sex and excitement and simulating events. People with ADHD strive at this time, where we struggle is after that’s over. It’s not to say we don’t care, or that we don’t love you, but it’s just harder for us. What you could try, once again talking to him about it, and seeing if there are ways you could spice up your sex life.
The other thing is the gifts and lack of dotting after you. This again is more normal than an ADHD thing. I’ve noticed that I do do this as well. But I try to surprise my girlfriend every now and again. With flowers (sometimes hard when living togeather) and things like that.
I know it’s hard dating someone with ADHD, we get distracted, we’re sometimes inattentive and sometimes do things that make it seem like we don’t care. But, remember this, not caring about your partner isn’t an ADHD thing. If your partner cares about you and truly does love you, then you sitting down with him and talking about your relationship concerns, should also be concerning to him. Try to sit down in a non confrontational way and figure this out together. Remember you’re a team and you have your strengths and weaknesses and so does he. With being in a team, the weakness of the other persons can be balanced by the strength of the other person.