Me (22F) and my boyfriend (21M) have been dating for almost a year. I’m generally happy, but there is an issue that I think might be a dealbreaker for our relationship.
His family is from Taiwan, and my family is from Mainland China, but we were both born in the US. His view is that Taiwan is a separate country, but my view that it is not.
If we are talking facts, Taiwan is not a country, because basically no one, not even the US recognizes it as a country. We were also having a conversation, and he basically said that Taiwanese people are not Chinese, because they are a separate country. I disagree with this, and I think they are Chinese.
Whenever he says that Taiwan is a separate country from China, I don’t say anything back to disagree with him, because I am afraid that this will result in an argument. I just stay quiet and then change the subject. But by doing so, I feel like I am not letting out what I truly feel, and I feel like I am being silenced and pressured to not say what I truly feel, because I’m afraid he will get angry and we will fight.
What should I do in this scenario? I know that many people in the west would agree with my boyfriend, but please try to put your personal opinions aside for a moment.
Should I sit him down and request that we talk about China-Taiwan politics and just say what I actually think? Should I request that we just don’t talk about the subject of China-Taiwan? Should I break up with him?
I’m so lost on what to do, and any help would be appreciated! Thank you!
​
TL;DR: Me and my boyfriend disagree on politics and identity and I don’t know if it is a dealbreaker
8 comments
why would you two ever have to talk about this, what does it matter in anyway?
You need to discuss this with him and you two need to have one of two things happen. Either one of you changes your mind, which I think is unlikely. Or you both agree that a reasonable and good person can disagree on this issue, you can each respect each other’s views, and you can be together despite disagreeing on this. If neither of those two things happen, then you do need to break up. But it’s normal to have differences of opinion, beliefs, and values in a relationship. They are only too big as to make you incompatible when those differences mean you cannot accept and respect each other. Whether or not this issue qualifies as that for you two, you will only find out by discussing it with him.
This is a dumb hill for you to die on. Most Taiwanese people see Taiwan as its own country, with its own currency, government, laws.
If YOU have an issue with this, don’t date anyone who is Taiwanese.
This is a far more personal and consequential issue for him than it is for you. He probably has family in Taiwan who are worried about aggression from China over this very issue. He should break up with you for imposing your views on his family/community.
What is your personal stake in this debate?
Pretend ur both from the US and don’t care about either place.
Why is it important to you? This is only an issue that affects your boyfriend. If Taiwan was granted their independence, what would change for you?
You need to tell them you want to have a meaningful conversation. Tell him it is important to you and make a plan with a date and time if he doesn’t want to have the conversation now. Explain that you don’t want to argue about it and that you just think differently. Don’t fall into the trap of saying ‘Taiwan is not a country’ instead preface it with ‘I think’ . He will likely stand strong and keep saying ‘it is a country’ and might refuse to preface what he says with ‘I think’ + ‘Taiwan is a country’. You need to decide if you are ok with how he talks about it or not. Anyway sit down talk , clearly find some ground to agree to disagree. Then if the conversation ever comes up again (it will) maybe with friends , maybe it’s in the news cycle again. Both of you can say I think this , he thinks that . And move on. However this is very possible break up territory. You could also acknowledge that you understand that the people of Taiwan want to be their own country , however it is not recognized by XYZ UN nation. Maybe one day Taiwan will be its own country. If you empathize with him and his people maybe even hope for them that they become an accepted country. Very complicated , but not impossible to reconcile.
I’m not clear on something.
You say you don’t see Taiwan as it’s own country, but is that you stating a simple fact? Or is that you saying you think that’s the way it *should* be? Huge difference.
I’m not your boyfriend so I don’t know how he sees it. But as I see it, Taiwan is *unfortunately* part of China as a matter of fact, but the Taiwanese people don’t want it to be that way, and whether that’s realistic or not, I sympathize with them.
Bottom line is I think you need to talk this all out with your boyfriend. You seem to think he doesn’t understand the **facts** of the matter, but he may not be dealing in the way things are, he may be dealing in the way he feels things should be. Ie, when he says Taiwan is it’s own country, he may just mean they think of themselves that way and therefore it should be that way. So you wanting to correct him by telling him things he already knows is maybe misguided.
One of the benefits of talking these things out with your significant other is that you can sometimes come to more nuanced, more sophisticated understandings about life and the world.
have you ever considered sitting down and learning more about taiwans history and struggle for independence to understand its people more