I live with my girlfriend and we sleep in the same bed. We go to bed at the same time every night.
I am used to waking up with one alarm, so I set my alarm at the exact time I want to get up (let’s say 8.00am). My girlfriend believes that she can’t possibly get up without multiple alarms, so she will set an alarm for 7.00am, 7.15am, 7.30am, 7.45am, and 8.00am. She will also then snooze all of them for 8 minutes (repeatedly) , so her alarms are also going off at 7.08am, 7.16am, 7.23am, 7.24am, 7.31am, 7.32am, 7.38am, 7.39am, 7.40am, 7.46am, 7.47am, 7.48am, 7.53am, 7.54am, 7.55am, and 7.56am, and past 8 if she still doesn’t get up.
She sleeps through all of them, just repeatedly hitting snooze all morning. I have told her multiple times that this can’t possibly be good for her sleep quality, and that the sheer amount of alarms is what’s desensitizing her to their effectiveness, but she refuses to listen and insists that this is the only way she can get up (even though she often still won’t get up at the time she planned to). She also gets mad at me if I turn off her alarms at 8 (or even well past 8 when they’re still going off) and leave her to it.
A big problem with this is that one alarm is enough to wake me up fully. So as soon as her first alarm goes off (at 7.00am in my example) then I’m awake. But I don’t want to be awake, and I still feel tired, groggy, and annoyed at the alarm for waking me up.
I can’t go to bed earlier because she will often talk to me until she comes to bed and settles down for sleep. I’m a fairly light sleeper and I will often wake up when she comes to bed even if she doesn’t say anything. I also just don’t want to go to bed earlier. We don’t have the space for another bed, and the couch hurts my back. Finally, I genuinely believe that this isn’t good for her health, but she won’t listen to me.
Is there any way I can make her see sense, or are there any other compromises I could try?
TL;DR: My girlfriend sets many, many alarms every morning. One alarm is enough to wake me. This not only disturbs my sleep, but I believe it’s not healthy for her either. So far we have failed to find a compromise. Advice?
15 comments
What time does she have to get up to go to work?
Yeah .. nah…. That’s just immature childish carry on. There is NO way id put up with that silliness😡
When the first one wakes you up, wake her up yourself. Shake, rattle and roll her. Turn lights on. Physically lift her out of bed if necessary. Pour cold water on her clothes so she has to get up.
I can’t see that being necessary more than once.
But honestly, why date someone so stupid and so inconsiderate and selfish?
After all she’s hurting YOUR health here by not letting you sleep in the evenings.
It sounds like you’ve ruled out most of the possible compromises already. It’s possible you could try different and quieter alarms for her (ones that work via vibration on smartwatches and the like), and/or earplugs or sleep headphones etc. for you. For the problem of her waking you easily, you may be able to get a split mattress that will carry less movement across from her to you, without having to get a whole extra bed.
The other obvious option, if you can adjust your schedule to accommodate it, is just to have her first alarm act as your single alarm, when you need to get up. Once you’re up you leave her to her alarms and let her deal. Worst case, you both go to bed an hour earlier and get an extra hour’s sleep (which you likely both need…)
At root, though, you have the problem that she has a behaviour that’s doing her no good (it’s not actually helping her get up on time, and probably training her to be harder to wake), doing you obvious harm, and she doesn’t care.
Do you think she’d be willing to talk to a doctor about her trouble waking up / your own sleep needs – who would likely tell her the alarms are a terrible idea, with authority she might actually listen to?
Does she have ADHD that’s not being treated? Several of my friends with ADHD have done this exact thing, sometimes to the annoyance of their partners, too. The sleep inertia is hard to break.
She should set one alarm. Or get a vibrating alarm clock. It’s unfair to you who has to share a space
My selfish narcissistic ex wife did this. Ruined my sleep and day. Then her text notifications for work going off at night.
Turning on bedroom lights.
Snoring
So much better now
I actually do this too. But yeah, it’s very annoying for my partner so I set my phone on vibrate and essentially cuddle with it so only I wake up from the vibration and not the sound. I also use Bluetooth headphones sometimes but they’re annoying to sleep in.
I don’t know why everyone is being so mean about this. Some people love the snooze life.
Simply selfish. She can put an alarm across the room so she can’t hit snooze but if she gets up before you it will still wake you up. Waking you up twenty times is just BS.
I used to be exactly like this, but I started noticing that setting one alarm later (like you’ve suggested) is so much more effective than getting an extra half hour of half-sleep. The hope is she, too, can come to her senses and stop with the alarms. As for the time being, does she have an apple watch or fitbit?
When I lived with roommates I would sleep with my watch and the vibration would wake me up in the morning. Much more pleasant for me and everyone around me, plus there’s an app that can track sleep quality which I thought was pretty neat.
So she’s just selfish? What is her response to you bringing this up? That you just need to suck it up because she can’t bothered to try to compromise?
Get an airhorn and set it off at her first alarm. Do that every day until she stops setting so many alarms or moves out. Take the airhorn with you to work to keep it safe.
Get her a fitbit or some other watch that has silent alarms. She can set as many as she likes and you won’t be disturbed
? stop being a pushover. if you hate it, do something about it. the only reasonable ‘compromise’ is she gets her ass out of bed when the first alarm goes.
Can you wake her up?
Like set one alarm to wake you up. When you wake up, you wake her up.
Otherwise, don’t sleep together. Go to the couch or a different bed after cuddling/sex/nighttime rituals.